With the start of the new year always comes new goals. Focusing on better health is actually something that we look at almost quarterly in our home, but especially at the beginning of January. After months of birthdays and holidays, our bodies are sluggish and noticeably less healthy than they should be. One step that I always take to manage our health better is to lessen the amount of processed or convenience foods that come into our home. Notice I did not say eliminate. That's just not me. But, we do try to cut out many excessively processed items such as boxed mac and cheese, frozen fish sticks or chicken tenders, and snacks such as Oreos. Malachi doesn't always like this step, but he does appreciate the yummy, flavorful variety of foods that start showing up on his plate. This is especially difficult for me at lunchtime when convenience foods are perfect for the middle of a busy school day. I have to get creative, search online, and plan ahead to find simple, quick lunches that are hopefully cost effective as well. For this post, I decided to share some of the ideas that I've come up with. Let me know if you decide to try any of these and how they worked out for you! 

Tuna Salad/Chicken Salad Over Greens or on Whole Grain Wraps/Bread

I'm lucky to have kids that actually like salad.

Lunchmeat and Veggie Wraps (use cream cheese, hummus, or dijon mustard as a spread)

For the lunchmeat, we prefer Boar's Head meats. Malachi likes these sliced into pinwheels or "kid/prairie sushi" as Pioneer Woman likes to call it. 

Spaghetti with Meatballs

I used Pioneer Woman's recipe for homemade freezer meatballs so that these were prepared well in advance. We prefer homemade marinara sauce, but will use jarred sauce if it's yummy enough. Mezzetta Homemade Marinara is one of our favorite jarred sauces. Of course we use boxed spaghetti noodles. I'm not that good. 

Bean and Cheese Burritos with Sliced Bell Peppers on the Side

Both of our boys love black beans and cheese! We tend to grab a can of black beans, but will use dry if we have them on hand and can prepare them ahead of time. 

BLTs

Again, it helps if I have the bacon cooked ahead of time and can just warm up quickly.
*I know that bacon is considered processed, but IT'S BACON! We can overlook this one. 

The foods listed here are the basics. You can get creative and change up these ideas for varied options. I don't know about your kids, but my kids do not like having the same meals day after day. Sure, they like sandwiches. But if they are served sandwiches more than twice in a week, they start rebelling. We also usually have dinner leftovers on hand. 
I'd love to hear your ideas and what works for you! 

Happy eating! 

Funny Times with Malachi & Isaac

I like to share little blurbs of quotes from the boys on Facebook. I do this to invite others to share in the humor that comes from the mouths of my babes. But I also do it so that I can look back and remember things that my children have said over the years. I've thought that I really should journal it somewhere, but who has time for that when important things such as Facebook are happening? With the start of the New Year, however, it may be a good time to prioritize how I spend my time. With that thought, I I think I will start blogging my stories about Malachi & Isaac and sharing from Boys, Brooms, & Bread. Enjoy my first two stories right now!

Malachi, 12/28/2015

Jonathan was at work and Malachi decided that he wanted to cook eggs in baskets for the three of us for breakfast. He's pretty independent in the kitchen for a nine-year-old, but I will give him reminders and assistance if needed as he goes. He gathered three pieces of bread: a heel, a broken slice, and a normal slice. As he cooked them, I asked him who each piece was for. He stated that the heel was for me, since that's the least preferred piece, the broken piece was for Isaac, since he doesn't care, and the normal piece was for himself. I totally understand his kid logic in this. Ever the homeschooling mom, I turn every opportunity into a learning opportunity. As we sat down for breakfast, Isaac and I thanked him for cooking. I explained that when one cooks for a crowd, they should give what they feel is the best food to others, starting with people in places of honor or higher respect first. I gave an example using his dad and asked him to guess who his dad would give the food to. I said, "Imagine that your dad is cooking an egg in a basket for each of us. One piece turns out perfectly, two pieces are slightly broken, and one piece is burned. Who do you think he would give each piece to?" Malachi answered, "He would give you the perfect piece, Isaac and me the broken pieces, and he would take the burned piece for himself." I said, "Exactly. Do you think you'll be able to do that when you cook for a family?" He stated frankly, "No. I'll just have to cook every piece perfectly. That's the only option." Touché, kid.

Isaac 1/1/2016

Each night as we put the boys to bed, they get a story and a song, and we pray together. Tonight, after reading to Isaac, I asked him what song he would like. He tapped his little chin saying, "Hmmm..." Then he said, "I KNOW!" I asked, "Okay, what song?" He responded, "Three pieces song." I said, "I'm sorry, buddy, I don't know that song." He responded by folding his arms, making an angry face, and growling low. I called Jonathan in the room and asked him if he knew what the 'three pieces song' is. He laughed and said that he never heard of it. I asked Isaac if he knew the 'three pieces song.' "Mm-hmm," he nodded. "Okay, can you sing it to me?" I asked.

He proceeded in his teeny-tiny toddler voice:

Three pieces, all over the place

(Arms spreading slightly)

Threee pieces

(Arms winding around and spreading a little more)

Threeee pieces

(Arms winding and spreading as big as they can)

THREEEE PIECES!!!

I might be just a little biased, but I think it's a great song.

Northeast Bucket List

When we were told that we had to move to New York, I guess you can say that we were less than thrilled. But we quickly decided that we were going to make the most of it and make it an adventure. We made a list of things that we knew we had to accomplish during our two year stay in the Northeast. I've decided to share the list with you. I think I'll update this post as we go, maybe add pictures and stories at each stop. If you have any ideas of things we must do, let me know! In no particular order, here's the list:

1. New York City
    A. Shopping!
    B. Eat at Serendipity
    C. Eat at Katz's Deli
    D. See a Broadway Show
    E. Visit Times Square
    F. See a Mets vs. Cardinals game
   G. Visit Central Park
   H. See the Statue of Liberty
    I. Visit the 9/11 Memorial

2. West Point

3. Boston, MA

4. Niagra Falls, Canada

5. Crayola Experience, PA

6. Long Island Beach

7. Washington, D.C.

8. Philadelphia, PA

9. Adirondack Park

10. Acadia National Park, ME

11. Delaware Gap National Recreation Area

*In the Spring of 2014, we took a two week trip to Harrisburg, PA. During that time we visited the State Capitol, Hershey, Lancaster, and Gettysburg. We also visited Washington, D.C. for a few hours after that trip. So that's why you won't find any of those places, except D.C., on this list.

I Just Can't

Forgive me, friends, for so many angst-filled posts. I'll try to bring something lighthearted to the blog soon. In the meantime, this is where I am.

It's 4:39 in the morning. I've been awake since about 2:00, woken up by a little voice in the night. "Momma.....Momma!" I went into the boys' room to find Isaac sitting up on the end of his bed. He kept saying, "Hold you," though it sounds more like "ho-hu." I told him it was still night night time and asked him if he wanted some water. He nodded. I grabbed a cup of water, gave him a drink, tucked him back in, and kissed his forehead. Then I headed back to bed.

That's when I noticed a new text message on my phone. A message from one of my closest friends sharing some difficult news. That's all I can say about that right now. I spent the next couple of hours in prayer and drifting in and out of sleep.

I've been looking back at life over the past several months, maybe even the past couple of years. I don't know if it's adulthood, if the brokenness of the world really is just getting worse, or both. Sometimes, while I know for certain that God is sovereign and is still on His throne, it is so difficult to make sense of His plans.

Lately, I can't understand it when things in life seem to make sense and fit so perfectly until those plans are changed and life is no longer as simple. Sometimes, I can't wrap my mind around a young mother being taken too soon by cancer. Other times, I can't understand brothers and sisters across the globe being imprisoned and murdered by extremists. I have a hard time accepting news of another broken family. It is difficult for me to fathom the loss of a little one and how any good could ever come from that. It just doesn't make sense to me when someone longs to be a parent and the Lord doesn't provide the way that we feel He should. I can't begin to find the logic in the image of a two-year-old boy washed up on shore, the story of another hate-filled shooting, or news of another precious one that has not been valued as the image-bearer of the Creator that they are. My heart is breaking this morning.

So I pray. I journal. I blog. I worship. I try to find some rest. I am reminded of words that were shared at a recent church retreat:

I cry aloud to God,

aloud to God, and he will hear me. 

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; 

in the night my hand is stretched out

without wearying;

my soul refuses to be comforted.

When I remember God, I moan;

when I meditate, my spirit faints.

You hold my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I consider the days of old,

the years long ago.

I said, "Let me remember my song in 

the night;

let me meditate in my heart."

Then my spirit made a diligent search:

"Will the Lord spurn forever,

and never again be favorable?

Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

Are his promises at an end for all 

time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his

compassion?"

Then I said, "I will appeal to this,

to the years of the right hand of the 

Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your wonders of

old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might

among the peoples.

You with your arm redeemed your 

people,

the children of Jacob and Joseph.

When waters saw you, O God,

when the waters saw you, they were

afraid;

indeed the deep trembled.

The clouds poured out water;

the skies gave forth thunder;

your arrows flashed on every side.

The crash of your thunder was in the 

whirlwind;

your lightnings lighted up the world;

the earth trembled and shook.

Your way was through the sea,

your path through the great waters;

yet your footprints were unseen.

You led your people like a flock 

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Psalm 77   

When life just doesn't make sense, all I have to do is look back over my life, over the course of history, and through the pages of Scripture to see God's unending faithfulness. God will make all of this right. He will get the glory. He already won when Jesus died on the cross and conquered death. That is the hope I cling to. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

Please, please come quickly, Lord Jesus. 

I Wanted An Abortion

I was 22-years-old, single, broke, and feeling desperately alone. I was terrified. 

I was pregnant. 

It was my last semester of college. I was student teaching at the time, so I had no income. I could not believe that I had gotten pregnant. The few people that knew about it were pretty surprised, too. The only people that knew about my pregnancy at that time were the ones in my life that I knew loved me enough to be honest without being judgemental, empathize with me without selfishness, and lovingly sit by my side while I tried to work out all of my emotions and options.

I cried almost daily and I begged God for a miscarriage. I slept very little, but wanted to sleep constantly. As the weeks passed and my pregnancy became more obvious, the need to tell people grew. That was the hardest part, I think. The imminent shame, judgement, and pain (both felt and caused) was too much to bear. I didn't want to have to go through that. I couldn't do it.

I regularly cried and talked to one of my closest friends, who happens to be pro-choice and who shall remain unnamed, about how I felt. One day after student teaching, I knew the time to tell everyone was near. While sprawled across her bed, I cried like I hadn't cried before. While flailing my hands wildly in front of my abdomen, I said to her, "I don't want this! I want it out of me! I need it out of me right now. I seriously want it gone. I can't do this any longer." I meant every word. I had already called Planned Parenthood to inquire about the cost of an abortion. My friend listened well. But she knows me well, too. She responded, "If I knew that you would wake up tomorrow or the next day and be okay with that decision, I would take you there right now and help you." But she knew my convictions. Regardless of her convictions, she knew where I stood. Instead of giving in to my emotions that week, she just let me cry.

As the weeks went on and I began to share the news with people, my fears did come to pass. "So now we know how you really are." "You're so judgemental to believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong." "You used to be such a good girl." The words cut like a hot knife through my core. I knew what I believed to be right and wrong. I had made a mistake...but I was still the same person with the same beliefs. Those that pointed fingers and called me judgemental spat the most hurtful, judgemental words at me. Maybe they truly felt that this was fair, given my worldview.

But in the end, with the unwavering support of those closest to me, with strength that can only be explained as coming from the Holy Spirit, and most importantly with the unconditional love of the Father, I made it through. After months of considering whether I should parent or place my child for adoption with a loving family, I chose to be a momma.

I write all of this to say that I get it. While I can't begin to personally understand every single person's experience, I can say that I fully get why one may choose abortion. For any number of reasons and from any number of backgrounds, abortion can seem like the right option. I personally know people that have chosen to end their pregnancies. This piece is not meant to be a judgement against anyone for making that choice. God offers unconditional love, forgiveness, and redemption. It's yours for the taking.

But I do want to try to encourage those faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Before you choose to end the pregnancy, and so the precious the life growing inside of you, please just take a minute. Try to consider a different perspective. You can get through the pregnancy and you can bring your child into the world. Ignore the lies and the judgemental glances. Find someone that you can trust; someone that will consider the best interests of both you and your little one. You have options and you have more strength inside you than you can fathom.

Seeking Satisfaction

"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." -U2

"Be grateful for what you have." "Quit wanting more. It won't make you happy." "Look around at all of the good things you have." "You begged us for this toy and now you don't even play with it." These are phrases that Jonathan and I feel like we've been saying to Malachi a lot lately. If you've read any of my posts in the past, you may remember one called If Momma Ain't Happy. On that post, I talked about how our sin struggles as parents are often reflected in our children. This post is just more of the same.

When Jonathan and I got married, I was thrilled to know that his career would move our family every few years. I had wanted to move away for several years, but never had the opportunity. Something else was always more important. I love the prospect of seeing new locations, meeting new people, and experiencing things we wouldn't otherwise have the chance to experience.

Our first move was to Evansville, Indiana. Three hours from my hometown, it felt just right. We were in a new place and meeting new people, to be sure, but I was able to travel home whenever I felt the need. There was an adjustment period; a time of trying to figure out how we fit in at our church and in the town in general. But it wasn't long before Evansville felt like home to us.

However, we always knew that our time there was not meant to be permanent. After we had been living in Evansville for almost exactly one year, we received word that we were to be transferred to New York where Jonathan would work on the new Tappan Zee Bridge. Anxiety, happiness, excitement, fear, sadness were all of the emotions that we felt during and immediately after our move.

We've been living in New York for four months now. Like Evansville, we know that our time here is not permanent. We expect to be here for two to three years. And I'm not going to lie. It's been difficult. For the first time in our lives, we can't just travel home (Denver, St. Louis, Evansville) whenever we want. The distance won't allow it. There are so many people, yet it is difficult to find a good friend. The cost of living is very high. For all of these reasons and more, it can be difficult to remember to value the experience of being here. There is so much to experience in this area of the country and we have lots of plans. We try to remind ourselves to get as much as we can out of our time in New York, but our appreciation gets clouded by our discontentment. I find myself daydreaming of what-ifs more often than I'd like to admit.

Discontentment, anxiety, and worry can be symptoms of a lack of faith in God's goodness. Not only do we believe that God places us where we are for His purposes, but God actually has given us everything we've ever wanted in placing us here. While we have no idea what the next five to ten years will look like for us, one thing is certain: God is still on the throne. I want my children to see that Jesus is enough for me. I want to be a witness of the goodness of God to my family. I want my joy and contentment to display my faith in the sovereignty of the Creator. I want my children to learn to be content through my actions, not my lecturing. That's my prayer right now.

Freeset

Hey everyone! Thanks for stopping by. I need just a few minutes of your time and a bit of your feedback. I've thought off an on for some time about starting a home-based business. I'd really like to help Jonathan pay down my student loans and maybe have a bit of extra money to use for fun, service, or savings. I've struggled personally with the idea of working in a multi-level marketing business. Creativity for sale (photography, cake decorating, sewing) isn't really my thing. I've thought about a number of different avenues to accomplish a home-based business, but haven't really found a company or a business idea that I can fully get behind....until now.

Someone at my church was selling Freeset bags as a fundraiser for a mission trip last week. At first sight, I thought the bags were super cute, trendy, and practical. I wanted one and I wanted to buy one for every person in my life. Jonathan drew the line at three. As I looked at the bags in more detail, I realized that they were very well made and durable. Then I read the tag and spoke to the salesperson. The mission and work behind the bag blew me away. The products are made by women in Kolkata, India that have chosen to leave the sex trade industry. In addition to paying them for their work, the company supports the women on many different levels including teaching them how to read and write, how to budget, and how to take care of themselves.

After speaking with the company, I could have the opportunity to purchase items at wholesale value and then sell them in any way I choose (via blog, Facebook, craft fairs, Etsy, etc.). In this way, I am supporting a company with an incredible mission while also supporting my family. However I'm not sure that it would work. Obviously I'd have to pay a large amount of money up front and, as with any business venture, it's a risk.

This is where YOU come in. I need your honest feedback about this idea. First, check out the company for yourself at freesetglobal.com. Take a look around at the company information and at the products offered. Then, come back here and you'll find a poll on the upper right side of the page. Please select all of the answer options that apply to you. If you'd like to give me more feedback, please feel free to comment below, comment on my Facebook post, send me a Facebook PM or email me at boysbroomsandbread@gmail.com. Regardless of how you feel about my business idea, head on over to Freeset's facebook page and give them a big fat LIKE! I appreciate any help that you can provide!

UPDATE

After much feedback, I have decided against starting a home-based business at this time. Thank you so much for your input! 

I Love My Children Differently

It's been a long time since I've written. Over a year it seems. I've thought about picking up the keyboard time and time again, with words in my head begging to come out, only to be reminded of the countless other things that need to be done first. The list, I'm sure you know, is never-ending. Nevertheless, I do enjoy writing. So even if it is sporadically, write I shall.

I decided that there could be nothing more appropriate to be shared today, Mother's Day 2015, than the days that my children were born. I'll spare you the bloody details of painful labor, epidural placements, and a doctor that should take a patient seriously when she says, "Ouch, that hurts!" Allow me to skip straight to the good parts: The moments my children entered the world.

October 29th, 2006, seventeen minutes after midnight to be exact. Surrounded by three of my best girlfriends, Laura, Chrissi, and Cherie, after about nineteen and a half hours of labor, Malachi made his grand entrance with screams that I'm sure were heard throughout the hospital. The doctor placed him on my stomach and I was frozen. My friends were laughing and crying at the same time. I think I remember giggling a little. I barely reached my shaky hand to his goo-covered body, terrified to touch him for a split second before he was whisked across the room to be assessed, cleaned, and wrapped. I laid my head back in relief as the doctor cleaned me up. One of the girls stayed by my side while the other two stood by Malachi and took pictures. Eventually, a nurse brought Malachi to me swaddled as snug as could be. My legs were still in stirrups and I was feeling quite awkward, so I asked the nurse to hand Malachi to Laura instead of me. I just wanted to get cleaned up and comfortable before snuggling my new bundle. Eventually, the doctor finished up. I asked the girls to hand Malachi to me and to leave us alone for about ten minutes or so. I looked at my baby's little face and said, "It's just us kid. You and me against the world. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I promise that I'm going to be the best mom that I can." As I went on to nurse my boy for the first time, I still stared at him in shock, unable to believe that this little bitty person belonged to me. The weight of the situation was too heavy to bear. Eventually, a nurse came in and told me that it was time for Malachi to go to the nursery and that another nurse would be by to take me to my new room. Later, on my way to my room, the nurse wheeled me past the nursery window and said, "Take a look at your baby." I responded, "Which one is he?" That is still funny to me. I had a son, but I had no idea who he was. I would spend the next several years of my life getting to know him. As you know, our story went on to have happy endings--and new beginnings.

With that, we fast forward about six and half years. June 23, 2013. I went to a different hospital for Isaac's birth and had a much better experience. Email me if you want recommendations. This time, I had my amazing husband by my side, as well as his wonderful mother, and my dear best friend, Sarah. I want to share a little more detail leading up to Isaac's birth just because I feel it's worth sharing. I had studied and prepared for months in hopes of a natural birth. I even purchased an inflatable labor tub from the hospital. About five hours in, I couldn't handle the pain any longer. "Yes you can," cheered Jonathan. "No I can't," I protested. "Yes you can!" he repeated. "Quit arguing with me. It doesn't help!" I barked. In came the anesthesiologist. I wanted to hug the man--or woman--I don't really remember. I just remember I was so glad that they were there. About thirty minutes after the pain medicine took effect, Isaac was born. 10:27 am. For some reason--maybe experience, maybe support--my reaction to this boy's birth was much different than with Malachi's. I grabbed him with both hands as quickly as I could, completely ignorant of the blood and goo, and snuggled him to me. I was crying and laughing and crying more. I remember saying, "Hey little guy! I'm so glad you're here. What a rough morning, huh?" Isaac just felt so familiar and comfortable to me. Motherhood didn't feel so scary anymore.

Early parenting of my boys continues to be as different as their birth experiences. Their different personalities, likes and dislikes, and strengths and weaknesses are what makes parenting these two kids an adventure. When Malachi was born, I loved him more than I ever knew was possible. Then Isaac came along and my capacity for love increased. I'm certain that, should the Lord see fit to gift us with more children, my love will grow still. While I love them equally, I love them differently--because they're different people. I love Malachi with snuggles, hugs, and kisses while I love Isaac with tickles, tackles, and lots of loud laughter. While Malachi begs to not be tickled, Isaac cannot sit still long enough to be snuggled. Regardless of how I show them love, my boys are loved and loved fiercely.

I Hated Myself

We have been listening to sermons by Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church on Sunday mornings while we get ready to head to our home church. Most recently, we've been going through his Recovering Redemption series. This past Sunday, we were listening to a sermon that spoke about the Christian's experience with guilt and shame. While I was searching Isaac's dresser for clothes, Chandler said something; something that just about knocked me over. I felt as if he was describing me--well the old me. The me I could've been forever, if not for redemption. First, I'll share what Pastor Matt said, then I'll tell you about me. 

"If you let your moral, legal code be the Bible, so you're good church folk, you believe the Ten Commandments, and you're going to believe what the Bible says, but your self-ideal has been built around heroes in the world, you have set yourself up for guilt and shame, regardless of where you turn. 

"When you show up at church, you're going to feel guilt because you're in violation of the law of God, but when you show up at work and the party scene, you're going to feel shame for being the goody-goody. So you've set yourself up to be rejected and be miserable at every turn. Guilt and shame will mark your life, because your morals are in Jerusalem and your self-ideals are in Hollywood or, for you businessmen, in Manhattan. When you do that, your life is going to be built on and around guilt and shame. 

"When you walk in guilt and shame, a by-product of that is oftentimes (yet not always) anger. So we feel guilt. We feel shame. We're falling short of our self-ideals. We're in violation of the laws and commands of God, so we feel guilt and shame. That brings about anger in our lives. 

"Now anger first works itself out up and against ourselves. There's a form of self-hate that begins to form in our hearts. Let me flesh out how this works. I'm not speaking now as someone who has read a book on this; I'm speaking now as one who has lived in this environment. I'm not speaking out of ignorance, but I am speaking out of experience. 

"When self-hate exists, you will first abuse yourself. Now how do you abuse yourself? Well, that range is all over the place. I mean, it's everything from cutting yourself, hurting yourself… But more than likely it's just a giving yourself over to shame. It's, "Since I am guilty, since I do feel dirty…" You give yourself over to the shame you feel. 

"At that moment, you're saying, "I have no honor in me; there's nothing good or lovely in me," so then you allow others to abuse you. You allow others to take advantage of you. You handle yourself cheaply as though there is nothing intrinsically valuable about you. You will stop taking care of yourself. It is self-hate. It has its roots in anger, and that anger is derived from guilt and shame." [1]

Chandler goes on to talk about how guilt and shame can also bring about abuse of others and lust. For the sake of my story, I'm going to focus on anger and self-hate.

Before I really dive into my experience, a little side note. At my second appointment with Dr. Eller, she spoke to me about those "strong genes" she previously mentioned I had inherited (see previous post: Health Evaluation). I was excited to talk about that, thinking it would be something positive. She used the practice of iridology, or the study of the irises, to observe my genetics. What she explained is that emotions can be inherited, and apparently, I have inherited very strong anger genes. Excellent. She asked if there is a lot of anger in my family and I confirmed her observations. She did say, however, that given my outlook on life, I seem to be breaking that cycle. I suppose that anger, just like diabetes or obesity, though one may be predisposed to it, one can also avoid it with the right tools and lifestyle. So let's suppose I am predisposed to anger. According to Chandler, if I am carrying guilt and shame, I am likely to support that predisposition.

Moving on. I believe that Jesus rescued me at a very young age. I can look back on my life and see the work of His hand--of that I am certain. However, because of any number of factors, I spent many years in guilt and shame. I could go back to my childhood and the experiences that I faced while growing up. In an effort to avoid blaming any particular person or dramatically playing the victim, let's just say that I did, in fact, have many experiences that did cause an immense amount of guilt and shame in my life. Later as an adult, I made choices that added to the guilt and shame that I carried on my shoulders daily. I have been sinned against, and I have sinned terribly. Because of that guilt and shame weighing on me, I did exactly as Pastor Matt explained above. I gave way to my guilt and I gave myself over to my shame. I allowed others to abuse me and I allowed others to take advantage of me. More times than I'd like to admit, I handled myself cheaply because I believed that there was nothing valuable in me. I felt unaccepted among church acquaintances because of the obvious sin in my life. I was looked at strangely by some family and others because I was deemed a "goody-goody"....something I never claimed. In fact, when I became pregnant with my first son, one family member bluntly and painfully stated, "Now we know how you really are." I continued being burdened by guilt and shame and continued making choices that supported those burdens, mostly because it was all I knew. It was comfortable, albeit painful. Because of the rejection I felt by so many, I desperately sought acceptance and love in all the wrong ways and places from people that would continue to abuse and take advantage of me...and the shame cycle continued. 

But that was not the end of the story. The Father never forsakes His children. During the summer of 2011, I was stopped in my tracks. I realized that I was everything I hated. I was becoming exactly what I swore I would never be. I tried, and failed miserably, to live a righteous life by my own power. Jesus brought me to the understanding that the only way I can be free of my sin and truly live a life of a victory was to seek first His Kingdom, His Righteousness, and His Glory. I do not have to be ashamed of the sin in my life because Jesus became shame on my behalf. I've been justified. Am I without sin? No. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. It means that I'm redeemed.

Even after this realization, however, I still doubted that I would ever find someone on this earth that would love me. I no longer feared being single, but trusted that God would shape my life in the way that would bring Him the most glory. Even if it meant a life of singleness, I wanted what God wanted. Then I met him--the man that would become my husband. I was certain that once Jonathan knew all the details of my past, he too would reject me. We sat on my couch talking late one evening, as we often did in those early days. I said to him, "There are things about me and my past that you need to know about, and they're not good." He leaned in close and sincerely responded, "Gina, I know you have a past. I know you want to tell me about it, and I will listen. But if you are truly repentant, then I have no choice but to see you as Jesus sees you--and that is blameless." Needless to say, I cried. I cried out of humility. I cried out of gratitude. 

In Chandler's sermon, he spoke of people having a hard time accepting love from others because of the shame they feel. Jonathan pointed out that he sees that in me sometimes. Sometimes, when I am not feeling very lovable, I have a hard time looking Jonathan in the eyes because I just can't understand how he can accept me and love me so willingly. Conversely, there have been times that Jonathan has wronged me and all he wanted to do was hide his face from me. It reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve in the garden attempting in vain to hide from their Maker. 

Friends, we do not have to hide anymore. We do not have to be ashamed or carry guilt. Jesus became shame. He became guilt. He became dishonor and sin and everything we hate. Then he rose up out of all of that so that we can live freely and victoriously. 



[1 ]Chandler, M. (Writer) (2013). The perfect storm [Web series episode]. In Chandler, M. (Executive Producer), Recovering Redemption. Flower Mound, Texas: The Village Church. Retrieved from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/the-perfect-storm/

Learning While Correcting

I don't know about you, but I've noticed that God regularly uses my children to teach me lessons. Usually it happens that we are disciplining or correcting Malachi and God says something along the lines of, "Look familiar? You are the same. Just as your child does, so do you." This came today in the form of a mischievous seven-year-old boy and a broken ornament.

As a family, we got up early to head to the mall for annual photos. While there, we took some time to enjoy being out of the house together. We walked around, had smoothies, looked at books, and bought this year's Christmas ornaments for each of us. We carefully selected "just right" ornaments; one for Isaac's first Christmas, one for our last Christmas in our Missouri home together, and Malachi chose a soccer player ornament as that was his favorite sport to play this year. Malachi's and Isaac's ornaments were from the cute little kiosk in the mall with the nice girl that carefully pens names on each one. The ornaments aren't overly pricey, but they're definitely not cheap. 

By the time we got home, we were all beat. We hung up the ornaments and put away other goodies. Isaac went down for a nap, Malachi and I laid in my bed to rest, and Jonathan played some video games. After a half hour, Malachi was ready to get up. We gave him a little extra "technology time" today so that we could all relax. Awhile later, Isaac and I both got up and the family started coming together in the living room. When I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, I noticed Malachi's ornament sitting on the kitchen counter--broken. 

"Malachi, what happened to your ornament?" I asked. 
He responded, "Oh, it accidentally broke." 
"It accidentally broke? How did that happen?" 
"It fell and broke." 
"HOW did it fall and break?" 
"I might have bumped it and it might have fallen." 
"Malachi, were you playing with the ornament?" 
"I just kinda swung it on the branch and it fell." 
I paused for a few minutes. "That's really disappointing," I said. I went on, "We just bought it today, it cost a bit of money, and it's already broken."
"You can just superglue it."
"That's not the point! We bought this for you, you broke it, and didn't even tell us." 
"Sorry," he said. But he said it in that tone. You know the one; the one that says, "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I don't see the big deal, so I'm going to just shrug and apologize to try to appease you." 

At that, Malachi was sent to his bedroom by his dad and told that he needed to think about the situation and how to speak to his mother more respectfully. A few minutes later, Malachi came out ready to apologize for being disrespectful. Jonathan asked if he had thought about anything else that he needed to talk about. Malachi said he did not. Jonathan walked Malachi back into his room to have a talk. I listened from the other room as Jonathan pointed out to Malachi that he didn't seem to care about respecting his parents, his things, or gifts from us. 

After a few minutes I asked Jonathan if I could chime in. "Malachi, here's what I think happened. I'm thinking that you played with the ornament and broke it. Then you probably kind of freaked out a little. Maybe your heart skipped a beat and your stomach turned. Am I close?" 
Malachi responded, "You're right there, actually. I worried, 'What will Mom and Dad say about this?'" 
I went on, "And so you decided to downplay the situation. You tried to casually set it on the counter and not make a big deal of it thinking that if you brushed it off, maybe Mom and Dad would, too." 
"Yes," he said. 

I explained to him that though we are disappointed about the ornament, and would have been regardless, we would not have been near as upset with him had he just taken responsibility, accepted the seriousness of it, confessed it to us, and apologized. We would have seen that he understood the consequences of his actions and would not have done the same thing again. But instead he tried to behave as though what had happened was not a big deal and so disrespected us. Further, if he does not understand that what he did was a big deal, he is more likely to repeat the behavior.

I realized that I can do the same thing with my sin. I may downplay it, or worse, compare it to another's sin. I may shrug it off and behave as though it wasn't that big of a deal. I can forget about it, never confess it, and never repent of it. The problem with this is that sin is a big deal. A very big deal. Anything short of perfection is unacceptable to the Father. When we do not see how dark and awful our sin is to a Holy God, it belittles His goodness and grace and will put distance between us and our Father. We must be willing to see ourselves and our sin through His eyes to be able to understand why we so desperately need a Savior. Understanding the seriousness of our sin allows us to see how great His love and grace really are. He loves us, lived the life and paid the price that we could not, and lives today so that we can be free of our sin and display His glory.  

Practically speaking, when I'm still enough to hear God speak to me through these situations, I am able to approach my children with more patience, forgiveness, and understanding--just as the Father accepts me. You see, all relationships can teach us about the Gospel. Everything, in fact, is a Gospel matter. That is, after all, the whole purpose of this life.

My Husband is Not Enough

My husband is not enough for me. He is not loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, selfless enough, or thoughtful enough to keep me happy. Jonathan does NOT complete me.

Growing up in this society, a girl is brainwashed with certain expectations for a man. It all starts with that perfect Prince Charming she sees in the movies. She wants someone to ride in on the white horse, rescue her from the evil stepmother, save her from a life of pain, despair, and brokenness. She wants that Jerry Maguire who will complete her. This desire in her heart does not happen upon her by mistake or by society's doing. The fairy tales do not place that longing there, but do attempt to show her what would fulfill it. And so she searches for him. That perfect man. "The One."

When she does this, she may fall for someone who at first appears as if he might be just the right fit. She may even marry under the false impression that she has found The One. Then, inevitably, he will wrong her. He may forget their anniversary, stop telling her she's beautiful, or forget to show her affection. They may argue, he may try harder and impress her again. But, eventually, he will fail again. He always does. They may even both change, or grow apart if you will. She will become angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, and even begin to wonder if she made a mistake. "I thought he was the one. He used to pursue me. He used to give up everything for me. Maybe I married him too soon. Maybe I was too young. Maybe there's someone better. There has to be someone better."

Or maybe some will make the mistake I have found myself falling into. You see, I understood that no man would be perfect. I understood that my husband had flaws. But sometimes before I even realize what is happening, I find myself trying to improve him, tweak him, and even [gasp] change him. Recently, I found myself wanting Jonathan to be more of an initiator or planner. I wanted him to schedule a surprise date night or plan a family outing. And I did not want to tell him that I wanted these things. I wanted him to want to do it on his own. Sound familiar, ladies? But Jonathan has never been one to do those things. It is just not how his mind works, and I've always known that. I've always accepted that about him. So when I suddenly became angry at him for not being what I wanted, he was left confused and I was left unsatisfied. Needless to say, a minor marital battle ensued.

When that happens, as I'm sure it will again, I have to go back to The Perfect One. I have to remember the Truth. When I feel that desire, longing, aching, and even disappointment creeping up in my heart, it takes a work of the Spirit to remind me that I'm looking to the wrong man. I'm looking to an imperfect man to fully satisfy me. It won't happen. It's not possible for him to do that and it is not fair of me to expect that of him. 

Jesus is the only One that has given up everything for us, ladies. He's the only One that loves us with a perfect love, knew all of our deepest, darkest secrets, and forgave us while we rejected Him. When that feeling of emptiness begins to surface again, we must remember that God put that need in our hearts and only God can perfectly fulfill it. Only when we are fully satisfied in Him will we experience true joy and completion.

*This post written with the knowledge and approval of the amazing, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, caring, loving (albeit imperfect) Jonathan Staley.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Living Frugally with Time and Money

Living frugally is something I have always struggled with. When I speak of living frugally, I am referring to living conservatively and simply in areas of time and money, but the ideas could be applied in other areas where good stewardship is required, such as health, work, and day-to-day choices. The opposite of frugal is wasteful, and I have been quite wasteful in many ways.

When I was in third grade, I remember having a report card sent home with the dreaded, red "U" representing "unsatisfactory" for the behavior labeled "uses time wisely." Needless to say, I found other things to do when I was supposed to be working. I was generally a good kid at school, but I remember my mother getting called in for a conference because I daydreamed too much. Funny enough, I see the same behavior in Malachi. I had to really work to stay focused and keep wise use of my time.

Time management remains a struggle for me today. The difference today is that I try to do too much. This started in late high school and college when I could be considered the typical "social butterfly." I can remember being so tired, but having a hard time leaving a social event because I did not want to miss out on something. After I had Malachi, I wanted adult interaction and companionship, so we went out with friends or to a family member's home almost every night of the week. Then when Malachi got a little older, church activities increased and sports were introduced. To say we were busy is an understatement. Overloading the schedule is not unlike making financial obligations that you cannot keep. It can be especially damaging for the relationships in the home. Between sports, church, community service, work, and social activities, keeping up with the Joneses was affecting us. Malachi would become cranky, demanding, anxious, and argumentative when our schedule was too full. When Jonathan and I started dating, he quickly took notice of my tendency to overload our schedule. We had to simplify. We had to prioritize. There is not a cookie-cutter explanation of how to do this for your family. Everyone's needs and priorities are different. To improve our time management, we set a limit of one sport per season, cut out AWANA Clubs because Malachi was already committed to so much scripture memorization at school, stopped eating out so much, and I learned to say no to social invitations. The same ideas can be applied to the daily to-do list. When I first started spending time with Phoebe, she reminded me that building and supporting the relationships in my home is top priority over the responsibilities of cleaning, running errands, and other activities.

As homemakers, we are given the tasks of managing our family's schedule and oftentimes the budget as well. Growing up, I was not taught proper money management. When I was given money, I was allowed to spend it. Sometimes my parents would shake their heads at me and say, "You just let money burn a hole in your pocket, don't you?" But they never took time to teach me otherwise. In young adulthood, I made huge financial mistakes in the name of selfishness, greediness, and materialism. When I became a single mother, I became less selfish with my money, but still could not grasp the techniques of really managing my money appropriately. In praying for a husband, I was very specific that I needed someone who could lead, provide, and manage resources well. As anyone that knows Jonathan can testify, God answered that prayer exactly as I had hoped.

Again, as with other areas of frugal living, prioritizing is key. I have had to learn the difference between needs and wants. I have noticed that when I buy new clothes for myself, I want more new clothes and accessories. When I shop less frequently, I notice that I don't feel the desire to shop as often. I have learned to appreciate second-hand clothes for my boys, as opposed to brand new. I learned to find joy in saving money by buying all of my new baby needs (crib, rocker, swing, etc.) on craigslist or in swap groups on Facebook. We have grown to appreciate a home without cable. The television is on less, books are read and games are played more. But our priorities may not be someone else's. I enjoy saving money through the use of cloth diapers, but will happily splurge on a pricey date night once in awhile. Others are content to use disposable diapers while saving money with free or cheap date nights. While priorities may look different for everyone, the absence of any priorities is what will cause trouble.

All throughout His word, God teaches us to manage our resources well--not to make much of us, but to make much of Him. With the Holy Spirit's help and by allowing Him to change our hearts, we can learn to honor him with our time, money, and other resources. We can learn to live simply, accept the life we are living, and learn the difference between needs and wants. When covetousness and discontentment begin to take hold in our hearts, we can seek the Lord's help, praise Him for the gifts He has given, and begin to see how blessed we truly are. Only when we are fully satisfied in the Lord will we find true joy and contentment.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Family Mealtime

Mealtimes are favorite times for the Staley's. We love to be in the kitchen together, discover new recipes to try, and share in our creations together. Sometimes meals are simple, other times they are complex. More often than not these days, meals are cheap, simply because we have to save money. For us, mealtime is a time to enjoy each other as a family, date as a couple, unwind after a busy day, and invest in a practical hobby.

I have learned that as the household manager, it is my responsibility to plan the meals, prepare most of them, make the budget go as far as possible, and make it all enjoyable for my family. The following are just a few ideas that I've learned that work for us. 

Saving Money on the Grocery Budget

Before we tightened the budget to save more aggressively, our meals could get a little pricey. Our grocery budget used to be around $600 a month. Then we compared. We figured out that in comparison with other families of the same size and probably about the same income, we were over-doing it a bit. Unless there is some special occasion now, we just don't find it necessary to indulge, and we make the cheap stuff pretty yummy, if I do say so myself. We have cut our budget down to $400 monthly, and that is to include household items and baby needs. Though I'm sure there are ways to do it better, this is where we are for now. 

1. Meal Plan

This is probably our biggest money saver! We always plan weekly, sometimes biweekly, occasionally monthly. In the picture, you will see an example of one of our rare three-week meal plans. This meal plan happened because we had a lot of food in our pantry that needed to get used up, we like making soups in the fall, and we just wanted to see if we could make it work. Monthly meal plans need to be more flexible than weekly meal plans. So throughout the month, we may need to move some of the meals around, but the options stay the same. In case you cannot see clearly, some ideas include biscuits and gravy, veggie pizza, chicken and veggies with tortillas, eggs and potatoes, nachos, fish and veggies with rice, grilled cheese and soup, beans and rice. Other meals we've done include biscuits and fruit, fruit and eggs, salad, roasted veggies, tortillas and black-eyed peas, and sausage with cabbage.

2. Make a List

When we shop, we bring a list and ONLY PURCHASE WHAT IS ON THE LIST. That is most difficult for me, but I have to remember that it is necessary to make budget. Our list includes all items needed for each meal, school snacks for Malachi, work snacks for Jonathan, bottled water, baby formula, and household items such as toilet paper, dish detergent, etc. 

We also plan out snacks to purchase. We do not buy a bunch of junk snacks to have them readily available in our pantry whenever we want. We buy enough snack food for Jonathan to have some at work, and Malachi to have two snacks a day (morning snack at school and afternoon snack at home). If I snack, it is usually only once or twice a day and it is most often a piece of fruit or handful of nuts that we already have at home.

3. Channel Your Inner Betty Crocker and Make Food from Scratch

One bag of flour, one bag of sugar, a can of shortening or box of butter, and some salt are the basic ingredients to make breads, biscuits, pie crusts, tortillas, and more. I grew up on canned biscuits, bagged tortillas, frozen pie crusts, and other prepared foods. These are so much more expensive and unhealthy than homemade. The downside of doing things this way is that the products will not always turn out perfect. Sometimes my biscuits are too dense or my tortillas are too tough, but they are not inedible. We never throw them out, but discuss ways to do better next time. 


Making things homemade is also fun for the kids. Malachi loves to bring his stool in the kitchen, measure and mix ingredients, and enjoy his finished product. He not only learns math, science, and social skills, but he also learns to appreciate the gift of food. 

When seeking out recipes, I usually just Google search what I'm looking for, choose a link with five stars, and read the reviews before preparing. If I like the recipe, I save it on Pinterest and write it in a recipe journal that we have at home. 

Some things, like pasta or delicate pastry, are just too difficult for me to make at home with the tools I currently have. I don't sweat it when I have to purchase prepared items, I just avoid it whenever reasonably possible.

4. Become a Part-Time Vegetarian

Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans as a Meal

Our family initially became part-time vegetarian for my health concerns. I determined that the worst things for my health, or really anyone's health, are too much meat and too many simple carbs. What does that leave? Fruits, vegetables, eggs, fish, nuts, and beans. When we made this change, we saw how expensive meat really is and how it was killing our budget to have it every single day, sometimes three times a day. For those that say, "But you need protein and iron," I completely agree! That's why we regularly eat fish, eggs, beans, and nuts! We now have four to five vegetarian meals for dinner every week on average. My health has improved, our children are being taught better eating habits, and we are saving money. Triple win!

We also buy all of our produce either through Community Helpings Co-Op, which happens to have several area pick-up locations, or Aldi Supermarket. Occasionally will we need one or two ingredients that cannot be found through these resources, so we'll go to Schnucks. I will add that we also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Trader Joe's, but only go there once every other month or so just for fun. 

5. Buy and Prepare in Bulk

Oh if we had a deep freeze or storage pantry, I would have a second home at Costco. I would also participate in a cow-share! But alas, our bulk-buying power is limited by our small living quarters. We can only do what we can do with the resources God has given us. When Shop 'n Save has their meat sale, and my freezer space allows, I stock up. 

We will also make soups and sauces in large amounts and freeze them for convenient, cheap meals later in the month. If you look on my meal plan listed above, you will see veggie soup written three times. That's because I made this amazing, hearty, vegetable bean soup in a giant pot and had enough for three meals. 

6. Change Your Definition of a Meal

Stuffed Mushrooms, Fruit, Veggies

Growing up, my dinner plate usually had a meat, a veggie, and a starch or grain. For example, a typical meal may have been pork chop, peas, and mashed potatoes. This can get expensive and unhealthy quick. Instead, we might have beans and rice for dinner and that's it. We make an effort to stop eating when we are satisfied, as overeating is a form of wastefulness, selfishness, and indulgence (gluttony) and can lead to health problems, so there is no need to load our plates up with more food than necessary. Also on my meal plan, you will see a couple days that just say "snack". That's because we love to cut up cheese, toast some bread or get out crackers, cut up fruit, get out some nuts and just munch.  Easy. Cheap. Fun. 

7. Buy Off Brand When You Can

You have to pick and choose what you're willing to sacrifice or spend with this one. I cannot get my husband to waiver from name brand Cheez-Its (I WILL learn to make some good ones homemade). But we have learned that off-brand baby formula is the same as name brand. Some of you may say, "Wait, you buy name brand crackers but not baby formula?! What's the deal with that??" Yeah.....have you seen the price of baby formula? It costs $30-$35 for the cheapest bulk package that I can buy, or I can spend $15 for more of the same stuff with the same amount of each nutrient. That's a savings of up to $80 a month! That's almost a quarter of my grocery budget. And the wee one is still growing and developing with the best of 'em. Additionally, if I could nurse successfully (and I did try), I would. Nursing creates a huge savings, not to mention the health benefits it provides, if that works for you. 

Making Meal-Time Enjoyable

Mealtime should be enjoyable. It should be a time to come together, pray together, talk about the day, and unwind together. As moms, we want to set mealtime up to be enjoyable for the whole family whenever possible.

1. No Negative Comments Allowed

A conflict with Malachi last night is what motivated me to move forward with writing this post in the first place. I worked in the kitchen for two hours making the aforementioned amazing soup. We sat down at the table and started eating. I looked at Malachi and asked excitedly, "Do you like it?" He responded, "Did you make it differently than last time?" and "I mean, it's okay, sort of." Ugh! I lost it. I scolded him all the way to my mom study, walked into Phoebe's house, and just started crying. I know it seems a little bit over the top emotionally, but that conversation is literally a nightly issue. i could take it no longer. Phoebe and I sat down at her table and I hashed out the entire conversation with her. She said, "Okay, this is obviously a problem for you, so what's your game plan? It seems that this will happen again unless you have a plan." She explained that it is completely unnecessary to seek feedback or approval from my children regarding the meal. How they feel about it really doesn't matter. Further, I have been blessed by Malachi's openness when it comes to food given to him. He never looks at a food and says, "No, I can't eat that," "That's gross," or any number of picky phrases. He has never been a picky eater in that sense. The negative usually only comes out if I ask. So, I need to stop asking. Simple enough. Next, Phoebe encouraged me to tell Malachi, and Isaac as he grows, that there will be no negative comments at the table regarding the food. Its not proper or acceptable. If there is a negative comment, the child will have to sit in silence for the rest of the meal. If he still won't comply, then his mealtime ends and bedtime begins. 

Why is it that the simplest of ideas and techniques seem to evade my mind completely? Phoebe reminded me that we all lose it and allow our emotions to trample over our logic. That's why a game plan is necessary. 

 2. Avoid Phones, Video Games, or Television at the Table Whenever Possible

This should not need an explanation. Mealtime is family time. I am speaking specifically of mealtime at home. There are some Friday nights that we might enjoy our "snack" dinner in front of a movie. There are times that we go out to a restaurant and allow Malachi to play on his game system while we visit with friends. This, like with all of my suggestions, has to be made to work for you. Just have some sort of structure and expectation with this. I know that wasn't as direct as my other suggestions, but in today's technology-driven world, it's not easy to outline in black and white.

3. Try to Keep the Mood Light

Moms, as we tend to be the mood-setters, I believe this responsibility mostly falls on us. Jonathan gets home right at dinnertime most nights. I know that he prefers me to be in a good mood when he walks in the door. This goes without saying. So, if I just fought with Malachi over homework, and now the biscuits are burned, I need to figure out a way to put that aside and make things light for when Jonathan walks in the door. Sounds kinda old-fashioned, I know, but that's how we do things. Take it or leave it as you will. 

The best thing that I can do is to control my emotions. I usually have some sort of quiet music playing, maybe a candle burning or essential oils diffusing, and I try not to let things get to me. Let me make myself clear, this is on an ideal day. I FAIL AT THIS ALL THE TIME. If I burned the biscuits, I try to remind myself that we have bread that I can toast. Ultimately, Jonathan doesn't really care. He would prefer that I be in a good mood than have perfectly cooked food any day. If Malachi is arguing with me or making me angry, I just have to end it. This is the hardest for me. It is not unusual for Jonathan to walk in the door to me scolding Malachi, but it needs to get under control. A game plan is in order. I'll work on that. 

Another obvious idea that I have forgotten is that mealtime is not the time to discuss major issues such as disagreements, family conflicts, or frustrating finances. Again, mealtime should be enjoyable. 

Start with Prayer 

This helps us to remember that we are to do everything we do to God's glory. This includes eating, drinking, and talking (see the Christianese term: Fellowship). Let's remember that God designed food to be enjoyed so let's thank Him for that. Also remember that God and God alone provides for our needs. God wants us to enjoy mealtime so that we can further enjoy Him. 

My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you.