I Just Can't

Forgive me, friends, for so many angst-filled posts. I'll try to bring something lighthearted to the blog soon. In the meantime, this is where I am.

It's 4:39 in the morning. I've been awake since about 2:00, woken up by a little voice in the night. "Momma.....Momma!" I went into the boys' room to find Isaac sitting up on the end of his bed. He kept saying, "Hold you," though it sounds more like "ho-hu." I told him it was still night night time and asked him if he wanted some water. He nodded. I grabbed a cup of water, gave him a drink, tucked him back in, and kissed his forehead. Then I headed back to bed.

That's when I noticed a new text message on my phone. A message from one of my closest friends sharing some difficult news. That's all I can say about that right now. I spent the next couple of hours in prayer and drifting in and out of sleep.

I've been looking back at life over the past several months, maybe even the past couple of years. I don't know if it's adulthood, if the brokenness of the world really is just getting worse, or both. Sometimes, while I know for certain that God is sovereign and is still on His throne, it is so difficult to make sense of His plans.

Lately, I can't understand it when things in life seem to make sense and fit so perfectly until those plans are changed and life is no longer as simple. Sometimes, I can't wrap my mind around a young mother being taken too soon by cancer. Other times, I can't understand brothers and sisters across the globe being imprisoned and murdered by extremists. I have a hard time accepting news of another broken family. It is difficult for me to fathom the loss of a little one and how any good could ever come from that. It just doesn't make sense to me when someone longs to be a parent and the Lord doesn't provide the way that we feel He should. I can't begin to find the logic in the image of a two-year-old boy washed up on shore, the story of another hate-filled shooting, or news of another precious one that has not been valued as the image-bearer of the Creator that they are. My heart is breaking this morning.

So I pray. I journal. I blog. I worship. I try to find some rest. I am reminded of words that were shared at a recent church retreat:

I cry aloud to God,

aloud to God, and he will hear me. 

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; 

in the night my hand is stretched out

without wearying;

my soul refuses to be comforted.

When I remember God, I moan;

when I meditate, my spirit faints.

You hold my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I consider the days of old,

the years long ago.

I said, "Let me remember my song in 

the night;

let me meditate in my heart."

Then my spirit made a diligent search:

"Will the Lord spurn forever,

and never again be favorable?

Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

Are his promises at an end for all 

time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his

compassion?"

Then I said, "I will appeal to this,

to the years of the right hand of the 

Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your wonders of

old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might

among the peoples.

You with your arm redeemed your 

people,

the children of Jacob and Joseph.

When waters saw you, O God,

when the waters saw you, they were

afraid;

indeed the deep trembled.

The clouds poured out water;

the skies gave forth thunder;

your arrows flashed on every side.

The crash of your thunder was in the 

whirlwind;

your lightnings lighted up the world;

the earth trembled and shook.

Your way was through the sea,

your path through the great waters;

yet your footprints were unseen.

You led your people like a flock 

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Psalm 77   

When life just doesn't make sense, all I have to do is look back over my life, over the course of history, and through the pages of Scripture to see God's unending faithfulness. God will make all of this right. He will get the glory. He already won when Jesus died on the cross and conquered death. That is the hope I cling to. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

Please, please come quickly, Lord Jesus. 

I Wanted An Abortion

I was 22-years-old, single, broke, and feeling desperately alone. I was terrified. 

I was pregnant. 

It was my last semester of college. I was student teaching at the time, so I had no income. I could not believe that I had gotten pregnant. The few people that knew about it were pretty surprised, too. The only people that knew about my pregnancy at that time were the ones in my life that I knew loved me enough to be honest without being judgemental, empathize with me without selfishness, and lovingly sit by my side while I tried to work out all of my emotions and options.

I cried almost daily and I begged God for a miscarriage. I slept very little, but wanted to sleep constantly. As the weeks passed and my pregnancy became more obvious, the need to tell people grew. That was the hardest part, I think. The imminent shame, judgement, and pain (both felt and caused) was too much to bear. I didn't want to have to go through that. I couldn't do it.

I regularly cried and talked to one of my closest friends, who happens to be pro-choice and who shall remain unnamed, about how I felt. One day after student teaching, I knew the time to tell everyone was near. While sprawled across her bed, I cried like I hadn't cried before. While flailing my hands wildly in front of my abdomen, I said to her, "I don't want this! I want it out of me! I need it out of me right now. I seriously want it gone. I can't do this any longer." I meant every word. I had already called Planned Parenthood to inquire about the cost of an abortion. My friend listened well. But she knows me well, too. She responded, "If I knew that you would wake up tomorrow or the next day and be okay with that decision, I would take you there right now and help you." But she knew my convictions. Regardless of her convictions, she knew where I stood. Instead of giving in to my emotions that week, she just let me cry.

As the weeks went on and I began to share the news with people, my fears did come to pass. "So now we know how you really are." "You're so judgemental to believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong." "You used to be such a good girl." The words cut like a hot knife through my core. I knew what I believed to be right and wrong. I had made a mistake...but I was still the same person with the same beliefs. Those that pointed fingers and called me judgemental spat the most hurtful, judgemental words at me. Maybe they truly felt that this was fair, given my worldview.

But in the end, with the unwavering support of those closest to me, with strength that can only be explained as coming from the Holy Spirit, and most importantly with the unconditional love of the Father, I made it through. After months of considering whether I should parent or place my child for adoption with a loving family, I chose to be a momma.

I write all of this to say that I get it. While I can't begin to personally understand every single person's experience, I can say that I fully get why one may choose abortion. For any number of reasons and from any number of backgrounds, abortion can seem like the right option. I personally know people that have chosen to end their pregnancies. This piece is not meant to be a judgement against anyone for making that choice. God offers unconditional love, forgiveness, and redemption. It's yours for the taking.

But I do want to try to encourage those faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Before you choose to end the pregnancy, and so the precious the life growing inside of you, please just take a minute. Try to consider a different perspective. You can get through the pregnancy and you can bring your child into the world. Ignore the lies and the judgemental glances. Find someone that you can trust; someone that will consider the best interests of both you and your little one. You have options and you have more strength inside you than you can fathom.

Seeking Satisfaction

"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." -U2

"Be grateful for what you have." "Quit wanting more. It won't make you happy." "Look around at all of the good things you have." "You begged us for this toy and now you don't even play with it." These are phrases that Jonathan and I feel like we've been saying to Malachi a lot lately. If you've read any of my posts in the past, you may remember one called If Momma Ain't Happy. On that post, I talked about how our sin struggles as parents are often reflected in our children. This post is just more of the same.

When Jonathan and I got married, I was thrilled to know that his career would move our family every few years. I had wanted to move away for several years, but never had the opportunity. Something else was always more important. I love the prospect of seeing new locations, meeting new people, and experiencing things we wouldn't otherwise have the chance to experience.

Our first move was to Evansville, Indiana. Three hours from my hometown, it felt just right. We were in a new place and meeting new people, to be sure, but I was able to travel home whenever I felt the need. There was an adjustment period; a time of trying to figure out how we fit in at our church and in the town in general. But it wasn't long before Evansville felt like home to us.

However, we always knew that our time there was not meant to be permanent. After we had been living in Evansville for almost exactly one year, we received word that we were to be transferred to New York where Jonathan would work on the new Tappan Zee Bridge. Anxiety, happiness, excitement, fear, sadness were all of the emotions that we felt during and immediately after our move.

We've been living in New York for four months now. Like Evansville, we know that our time here is not permanent. We expect to be here for two to three years. And I'm not going to lie. It's been difficult. For the first time in our lives, we can't just travel home (Denver, St. Louis, Evansville) whenever we want. The distance won't allow it. There are so many people, yet it is difficult to find a good friend. The cost of living is very high. For all of these reasons and more, it can be difficult to remember to value the experience of being here. There is so much to experience in this area of the country and we have lots of plans. We try to remind ourselves to get as much as we can out of our time in New York, but our appreciation gets clouded by our discontentment. I find myself daydreaming of what-ifs more often than I'd like to admit.

Discontentment, anxiety, and worry can be symptoms of a lack of faith in God's goodness. Not only do we believe that God places us where we are for His purposes, but God actually has given us everything we've ever wanted in placing us here. While we have no idea what the next five to ten years will look like for us, one thing is certain: God is still on the throne. I want my children to see that Jesus is enough for me. I want to be a witness of the goodness of God to my family. I want my joy and contentment to display my faith in the sovereignty of the Creator. I want my children to learn to be content through my actions, not my lecturing. That's my prayer right now.

I Love My Children Differently

It's been a long time since I've written. Over a year it seems. I've thought about picking up the keyboard time and time again, with words in my head begging to come out, only to be reminded of the countless other things that need to be done first. The list, I'm sure you know, is never-ending. Nevertheless, I do enjoy writing. So even if it is sporadically, write I shall.

I decided that there could be nothing more appropriate to be shared today, Mother's Day 2015, than the days that my children were born. I'll spare you the bloody details of painful labor, epidural placements, and a doctor that should take a patient seriously when she says, "Ouch, that hurts!" Allow me to skip straight to the good parts: The moments my children entered the world.

October 29th, 2006, seventeen minutes after midnight to be exact. Surrounded by three of my best girlfriends, Laura, Chrissi, and Cherie, after about nineteen and a half hours of labor, Malachi made his grand entrance with screams that I'm sure were heard throughout the hospital. The doctor placed him on my stomach and I was frozen. My friends were laughing and crying at the same time. I think I remember giggling a little. I barely reached my shaky hand to his goo-covered body, terrified to touch him for a split second before he was whisked across the room to be assessed, cleaned, and wrapped. I laid my head back in relief as the doctor cleaned me up. One of the girls stayed by my side while the other two stood by Malachi and took pictures. Eventually, a nurse brought Malachi to me swaddled as snug as could be. My legs were still in stirrups and I was feeling quite awkward, so I asked the nurse to hand Malachi to Laura instead of me. I just wanted to get cleaned up and comfortable before snuggling my new bundle. Eventually, the doctor finished up. I asked the girls to hand Malachi to me and to leave us alone for about ten minutes or so. I looked at my baby's little face and said, "It's just us kid. You and me against the world. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I promise that I'm going to be the best mom that I can." As I went on to nurse my boy for the first time, I still stared at him in shock, unable to believe that this little bitty person belonged to me. The weight of the situation was too heavy to bear. Eventually, a nurse came in and told me that it was time for Malachi to go to the nursery and that another nurse would be by to take me to my new room. Later, on my way to my room, the nurse wheeled me past the nursery window and said, "Take a look at your baby." I responded, "Which one is he?" That is still funny to me. I had a son, but I had no idea who he was. I would spend the next several years of my life getting to know him. As you know, our story went on to have happy endings--and new beginnings.

With that, we fast forward about six and half years. June 23, 2013. I went to a different hospital for Isaac's birth and had a much better experience. Email me if you want recommendations. This time, I had my amazing husband by my side, as well as his wonderful mother, and my dear best friend, Sarah. I want to share a little more detail leading up to Isaac's birth just because I feel it's worth sharing. I had studied and prepared for months in hopes of a natural birth. I even purchased an inflatable labor tub from the hospital. About five hours in, I couldn't handle the pain any longer. "Yes you can," cheered Jonathan. "No I can't," I protested. "Yes you can!" he repeated. "Quit arguing with me. It doesn't help!" I barked. In came the anesthesiologist. I wanted to hug the man--or woman--I don't really remember. I just remember I was so glad that they were there. About thirty minutes after the pain medicine took effect, Isaac was born. 10:27 am. For some reason--maybe experience, maybe support--my reaction to this boy's birth was much different than with Malachi's. I grabbed him with both hands as quickly as I could, completely ignorant of the blood and goo, and snuggled him to me. I was crying and laughing and crying more. I remember saying, "Hey little guy! I'm so glad you're here. What a rough morning, huh?" Isaac just felt so familiar and comfortable to me. Motherhood didn't feel so scary anymore.

Early parenting of my boys continues to be as different as their birth experiences. Their different personalities, likes and dislikes, and strengths and weaknesses are what makes parenting these two kids an adventure. When Malachi was born, I loved him more than I ever knew was possible. Then Isaac came along and my capacity for love increased. I'm certain that, should the Lord see fit to gift us with more children, my love will grow still. While I love them equally, I love them differently--because they're different people. I love Malachi with snuggles, hugs, and kisses while I love Isaac with tickles, tackles, and lots of loud laughter. While Malachi begs to not be tickled, Isaac cannot sit still long enough to be snuggled. Regardless of how I show them love, my boys are loved and loved fiercely.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Family Mealtime

Mealtimes are favorite times for the Staley's. We love to be in the kitchen together, discover new recipes to try, and share in our creations together. Sometimes meals are simple, other times they are complex. More often than not these days, meals are cheap, simply because we have to save money. For us, mealtime is a time to enjoy each other as a family, date as a couple, unwind after a busy day, and invest in a practical hobby.

I have learned that as the household manager, it is my responsibility to plan the meals, prepare most of them, make the budget go as far as possible, and make it all enjoyable for my family. The following are just a few ideas that I've learned that work for us. 

Saving Money on the Grocery Budget

Before we tightened the budget to save more aggressively, our meals could get a little pricey. Our grocery budget used to be around $600 a month. Then we compared. We figured out that in comparison with other families of the same size and probably about the same income, we were over-doing it a bit. Unless there is some special occasion now, we just don't find it necessary to indulge, and we make the cheap stuff pretty yummy, if I do say so myself. We have cut our budget down to $400 monthly, and that is to include household items and baby needs. Though I'm sure there are ways to do it better, this is where we are for now. 

1. Meal Plan

This is probably our biggest money saver! We always plan weekly, sometimes biweekly, occasionally monthly. In the picture, you will see an example of one of our rare three-week meal plans. This meal plan happened because we had a lot of food in our pantry that needed to get used up, we like making soups in the fall, and we just wanted to see if we could make it work. Monthly meal plans need to be more flexible than weekly meal plans. So throughout the month, we may need to move some of the meals around, but the options stay the same. In case you cannot see clearly, some ideas include biscuits and gravy, veggie pizza, chicken and veggies with tortillas, eggs and potatoes, nachos, fish and veggies with rice, grilled cheese and soup, beans and rice. Other meals we've done include biscuits and fruit, fruit and eggs, salad, roasted veggies, tortillas and black-eyed peas, and sausage with cabbage.

2. Make a List

When we shop, we bring a list and ONLY PURCHASE WHAT IS ON THE LIST. That is most difficult for me, but I have to remember that it is necessary to make budget. Our list includes all items needed for each meal, school snacks for Malachi, work snacks for Jonathan, bottled water, baby formula, and household items such as toilet paper, dish detergent, etc. 

We also plan out snacks to purchase. We do not buy a bunch of junk snacks to have them readily available in our pantry whenever we want. We buy enough snack food for Jonathan to have some at work, and Malachi to have two snacks a day (morning snack at school and afternoon snack at home). If I snack, it is usually only once or twice a day and it is most often a piece of fruit or handful of nuts that we already have at home.

3. Channel Your Inner Betty Crocker and Make Food from Scratch

One bag of flour, one bag of sugar, a can of shortening or box of butter, and some salt are the basic ingredients to make breads, biscuits, pie crusts, tortillas, and more. I grew up on canned biscuits, bagged tortillas, frozen pie crusts, and other prepared foods. These are so much more expensive and unhealthy than homemade. The downside of doing things this way is that the products will not always turn out perfect. Sometimes my biscuits are too dense or my tortillas are too tough, but they are not inedible. We never throw them out, but discuss ways to do better next time. 


Making things homemade is also fun for the kids. Malachi loves to bring his stool in the kitchen, measure and mix ingredients, and enjoy his finished product. He not only learns math, science, and social skills, but he also learns to appreciate the gift of food. 

When seeking out recipes, I usually just Google search what I'm looking for, choose a link with five stars, and read the reviews before preparing. If I like the recipe, I save it on Pinterest and write it in a recipe journal that we have at home. 

Some things, like pasta or delicate pastry, are just too difficult for me to make at home with the tools I currently have. I don't sweat it when I have to purchase prepared items, I just avoid it whenever reasonably possible.

4. Become a Part-Time Vegetarian

Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans as a Meal

Our family initially became part-time vegetarian for my health concerns. I determined that the worst things for my health, or really anyone's health, are too much meat and too many simple carbs. What does that leave? Fruits, vegetables, eggs, fish, nuts, and beans. When we made this change, we saw how expensive meat really is and how it was killing our budget to have it every single day, sometimes three times a day. For those that say, "But you need protein and iron," I completely agree! That's why we regularly eat fish, eggs, beans, and nuts! We now have four to five vegetarian meals for dinner every week on average. My health has improved, our children are being taught better eating habits, and we are saving money. Triple win!

We also buy all of our produce either through Community Helpings Co-Op, which happens to have several area pick-up locations, or Aldi Supermarket. Occasionally will we need one or two ingredients that cannot be found through these resources, so we'll go to Schnucks. I will add that we also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Trader Joe's, but only go there once every other month or so just for fun. 

5. Buy and Prepare in Bulk

Oh if we had a deep freeze or storage pantry, I would have a second home at Costco. I would also participate in a cow-share! But alas, our bulk-buying power is limited by our small living quarters. We can only do what we can do with the resources God has given us. When Shop 'n Save has their meat sale, and my freezer space allows, I stock up. 

We will also make soups and sauces in large amounts and freeze them for convenient, cheap meals later in the month. If you look on my meal plan listed above, you will see veggie soup written three times. That's because I made this amazing, hearty, vegetable bean soup in a giant pot and had enough for three meals. 

6. Change Your Definition of a Meal

Stuffed Mushrooms, Fruit, Veggies

Growing up, my dinner plate usually had a meat, a veggie, and a starch or grain. For example, a typical meal may have been pork chop, peas, and mashed potatoes. This can get expensive and unhealthy quick. Instead, we might have beans and rice for dinner and that's it. We make an effort to stop eating when we are satisfied, as overeating is a form of wastefulness, selfishness, and indulgence (gluttony) and can lead to health problems, so there is no need to load our plates up with more food than necessary. Also on my meal plan, you will see a couple days that just say "snack". That's because we love to cut up cheese, toast some bread or get out crackers, cut up fruit, get out some nuts and just munch.  Easy. Cheap. Fun. 

7. Buy Off Brand When You Can

You have to pick and choose what you're willing to sacrifice or spend with this one. I cannot get my husband to waiver from name brand Cheez-Its (I WILL learn to make some good ones homemade). But we have learned that off-brand baby formula is the same as name brand. Some of you may say, "Wait, you buy name brand crackers but not baby formula?! What's the deal with that??" Yeah.....have you seen the price of baby formula? It costs $30-$35 for the cheapest bulk package that I can buy, or I can spend $15 for more of the same stuff with the same amount of each nutrient. That's a savings of up to $80 a month! That's almost a quarter of my grocery budget. And the wee one is still growing and developing with the best of 'em. Additionally, if I could nurse successfully (and I did try), I would. Nursing creates a huge savings, not to mention the health benefits it provides, if that works for you. 

Making Meal-Time Enjoyable

Mealtime should be enjoyable. It should be a time to come together, pray together, talk about the day, and unwind together. As moms, we want to set mealtime up to be enjoyable for the whole family whenever possible.

1. No Negative Comments Allowed

A conflict with Malachi last night is what motivated me to move forward with writing this post in the first place. I worked in the kitchen for two hours making the aforementioned amazing soup. We sat down at the table and started eating. I looked at Malachi and asked excitedly, "Do you like it?" He responded, "Did you make it differently than last time?" and "I mean, it's okay, sort of." Ugh! I lost it. I scolded him all the way to my mom study, walked into Phoebe's house, and just started crying. I know it seems a little bit over the top emotionally, but that conversation is literally a nightly issue. i could take it no longer. Phoebe and I sat down at her table and I hashed out the entire conversation with her. She said, "Okay, this is obviously a problem for you, so what's your game plan? It seems that this will happen again unless you have a plan." She explained that it is completely unnecessary to seek feedback or approval from my children regarding the meal. How they feel about it really doesn't matter. Further, I have been blessed by Malachi's openness when it comes to food given to him. He never looks at a food and says, "No, I can't eat that," "That's gross," or any number of picky phrases. He has never been a picky eater in that sense. The negative usually only comes out if I ask. So, I need to stop asking. Simple enough. Next, Phoebe encouraged me to tell Malachi, and Isaac as he grows, that there will be no negative comments at the table regarding the food. Its not proper or acceptable. If there is a negative comment, the child will have to sit in silence for the rest of the meal. If he still won't comply, then his mealtime ends and bedtime begins. 

Why is it that the simplest of ideas and techniques seem to evade my mind completely? Phoebe reminded me that we all lose it and allow our emotions to trample over our logic. That's why a game plan is necessary. 

 2. Avoid Phones, Video Games, or Television at the Table Whenever Possible

This should not need an explanation. Mealtime is family time. I am speaking specifically of mealtime at home. There are some Friday nights that we might enjoy our "snack" dinner in front of a movie. There are times that we go out to a restaurant and allow Malachi to play on his game system while we visit with friends. This, like with all of my suggestions, has to be made to work for you. Just have some sort of structure and expectation with this. I know that wasn't as direct as my other suggestions, but in today's technology-driven world, it's not easy to outline in black and white.

3. Try to Keep the Mood Light

Moms, as we tend to be the mood-setters, I believe this responsibility mostly falls on us. Jonathan gets home right at dinnertime most nights. I know that he prefers me to be in a good mood when he walks in the door. This goes without saying. So, if I just fought with Malachi over homework, and now the biscuits are burned, I need to figure out a way to put that aside and make things light for when Jonathan walks in the door. Sounds kinda old-fashioned, I know, but that's how we do things. Take it or leave it as you will. 

The best thing that I can do is to control my emotions. I usually have some sort of quiet music playing, maybe a candle burning or essential oils diffusing, and I try not to let things get to me. Let me make myself clear, this is on an ideal day. I FAIL AT THIS ALL THE TIME. If I burned the biscuits, I try to remind myself that we have bread that I can toast. Ultimately, Jonathan doesn't really care. He would prefer that I be in a good mood than have perfectly cooked food any day. If Malachi is arguing with me or making me angry, I just have to end it. This is the hardest for me. It is not unusual for Jonathan to walk in the door to me scolding Malachi, but it needs to get under control. A game plan is in order. I'll work on that. 

Another obvious idea that I have forgotten is that mealtime is not the time to discuss major issues such as disagreements, family conflicts, or frustrating finances. Again, mealtime should be enjoyable. 

Start with Prayer 

This helps us to remember that we are to do everything we do to God's glory. This includes eating, drinking, and talking (see the Christianese term: Fellowship). Let's remember that God designed food to be enjoyed so let's thank Him for that. Also remember that God and God alone provides for our needs. God wants us to enjoy mealtime so that we can further enjoy Him. 

My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you.