My Husband is Not Enough

My husband is not enough for me. He is not loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, selfless enough, or thoughtful enough to keep me happy. Jonathan does NOT complete me.

Growing up in this society, a girl is brainwashed with certain expectations for a man. It all starts with that perfect Prince Charming she sees in the movies. She wants someone to ride in on the white horse, rescue her from the evil stepmother, save her from a life of pain, despair, and brokenness. She wants that Jerry Maguire who will complete her. This desire in her heart does not happen upon her by mistake or by society's doing. The fairy tales do not place that longing there, but do attempt to show her what would fulfill it. And so she searches for him. That perfect man. "The One."

When she does this, she may fall for someone who at first appears as if he might be just the right fit. She may even marry under the false impression that she has found The One. Then, inevitably, he will wrong her. He may forget their anniversary, stop telling her she's beautiful, or forget to show her affection. They may argue, he may try harder and impress her again. But, eventually, he will fail again. He always does. They may even both change, or grow apart if you will. She will become angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, and even begin to wonder if she made a mistake. "I thought he was the one. He used to pursue me. He used to give up everything for me. Maybe I married him too soon. Maybe I was too young. Maybe there's someone better. There has to be someone better."

Or maybe some will make the mistake I have found myself falling into. You see, I understood that no man would be perfect. I understood that my husband had flaws. But sometimes before I even realize what is happening, I find myself trying to improve him, tweak him, and even [gasp] change him. Recently, I found myself wanting Jonathan to be more of an initiator or planner. I wanted him to schedule a surprise date night or plan a family outing. And I did not want to tell him that I wanted these things. I wanted him to want to do it on his own. Sound familiar, ladies? But Jonathan has never been one to do those things. It is just not how his mind works, and I've always known that. I've always accepted that about him. So when I suddenly became angry at him for not being what I wanted, he was left confused and I was left unsatisfied. Needless to say, a minor marital battle ensued.

When that happens, as I'm sure it will again, I have to go back to The Perfect One. I have to remember the Truth. When I feel that desire, longing, aching, and even disappointment creeping up in my heart, it takes a work of the Spirit to remind me that I'm looking to the wrong man. I'm looking to an imperfect man to fully satisfy me. It won't happen. It's not possible for him to do that and it is not fair of me to expect that of him. 

Jesus is the only One that has given up everything for us, ladies. He's the only One that loves us with a perfect love, knew all of our deepest, darkest secrets, and forgave us while we rejected Him. When that feeling of emptiness begins to surface again, we must remember that God put that need in our hearts and only God can perfectly fulfill it. Only when we are fully satisfied in Him will we experience true joy and completion.

*This post written with the knowledge and approval of the amazing, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, caring, loving (albeit imperfect) Jonathan Staley.

My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you.