Seeking Satisfaction

"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." -U2

"Be grateful for what you have." "Quit wanting more. It won't make you happy." "Look around at all of the good things you have." "You begged us for this toy and now you don't even play with it." These are phrases that Jonathan and I feel like we've been saying to Malachi a lot lately. If you've read any of my posts in the past, you may remember one called If Momma Ain't Happy. On that post, I talked about how our sin struggles as parents are often reflected in our children. This post is just more of the same.

When Jonathan and I got married, I was thrilled to know that his career would move our family every few years. I had wanted to move away for several years, but never had the opportunity. Something else was always more important. I love the prospect of seeing new locations, meeting new people, and experiencing things we wouldn't otherwise have the chance to experience.

Our first move was to Evansville, Indiana. Three hours from my hometown, it felt just right. We were in a new place and meeting new people, to be sure, but I was able to travel home whenever I felt the need. There was an adjustment period; a time of trying to figure out how we fit in at our church and in the town in general. But it wasn't long before Evansville felt like home to us.

However, we always knew that our time there was not meant to be permanent. After we had been living in Evansville for almost exactly one year, we received word that we were to be transferred to New York where Jonathan would work on the new Tappan Zee Bridge. Anxiety, happiness, excitement, fear, sadness were all of the emotions that we felt during and immediately after our move.

We've been living in New York for four months now. Like Evansville, we know that our time here is not permanent. We expect to be here for two to three years. And I'm not going to lie. It's been difficult. For the first time in our lives, we can't just travel home (Denver, St. Louis, Evansville) whenever we want. The distance won't allow it. There are so many people, yet it is difficult to find a good friend. The cost of living is very high. For all of these reasons and more, it can be difficult to remember to value the experience of being here. There is so much to experience in this area of the country and we have lots of plans. We try to remind ourselves to get as much as we can out of our time in New York, but our appreciation gets clouded by our discontentment. I find myself daydreaming of what-ifs more often than I'd like to admit.

Discontentment, anxiety, and worry can be symptoms of a lack of faith in God's goodness. Not only do we believe that God places us where we are for His purposes, but God actually has given us everything we've ever wanted in placing us here. While we have no idea what the next five to ten years will look like for us, one thing is certain: God is still on the throne. I want my children to see that Jesus is enough for me. I want to be a witness of the goodness of God to my family. I want my joy and contentment to display my faith in the sovereignty of the Creator. I want my children to learn to be content through my actions, not my lecturing. That's my prayer right now.

I Hated Myself

We have been listening to sermons by Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church on Sunday mornings while we get ready to head to our home church. Most recently, we've been going through his Recovering Redemption series. This past Sunday, we were listening to a sermon that spoke about the Christian's experience with guilt and shame. While I was searching Isaac's dresser for clothes, Chandler said something; something that just about knocked me over. I felt as if he was describing me--well the old me. The me I could've been forever, if not for redemption. First, I'll share what Pastor Matt said, then I'll tell you about me. 

"If you let your moral, legal code be the Bible, so you're good church folk, you believe the Ten Commandments, and you're going to believe what the Bible says, but your self-ideal has been built around heroes in the world, you have set yourself up for guilt and shame, regardless of where you turn. 

"When you show up at church, you're going to feel guilt because you're in violation of the law of God, but when you show up at work and the party scene, you're going to feel shame for being the goody-goody. So you've set yourself up to be rejected and be miserable at every turn. Guilt and shame will mark your life, because your morals are in Jerusalem and your self-ideals are in Hollywood or, for you businessmen, in Manhattan. When you do that, your life is going to be built on and around guilt and shame. 

"When you walk in guilt and shame, a by-product of that is oftentimes (yet not always) anger. So we feel guilt. We feel shame. We're falling short of our self-ideals. We're in violation of the laws and commands of God, so we feel guilt and shame. That brings about anger in our lives. 

"Now anger first works itself out up and against ourselves. There's a form of self-hate that begins to form in our hearts. Let me flesh out how this works. I'm not speaking now as someone who has read a book on this; I'm speaking now as one who has lived in this environment. I'm not speaking out of ignorance, but I am speaking out of experience. 

"When self-hate exists, you will first abuse yourself. Now how do you abuse yourself? Well, that range is all over the place. I mean, it's everything from cutting yourself, hurting yourself… But more than likely it's just a giving yourself over to shame. It's, "Since I am guilty, since I do feel dirty…" You give yourself over to the shame you feel. 

"At that moment, you're saying, "I have no honor in me; there's nothing good or lovely in me," so then you allow others to abuse you. You allow others to take advantage of you. You handle yourself cheaply as though there is nothing intrinsically valuable about you. You will stop taking care of yourself. It is self-hate. It has its roots in anger, and that anger is derived from guilt and shame." [1]

Chandler goes on to talk about how guilt and shame can also bring about abuse of others and lust. For the sake of my story, I'm going to focus on anger and self-hate.

Before I really dive into my experience, a little side note. At my second appointment with Dr. Eller, she spoke to me about those "strong genes" she previously mentioned I had inherited (see previous post: Health Evaluation). I was excited to talk about that, thinking it would be something positive. She used the practice of iridology, or the study of the irises, to observe my genetics. What she explained is that emotions can be inherited, and apparently, I have inherited very strong anger genes. Excellent. She asked if there is a lot of anger in my family and I confirmed her observations. She did say, however, that given my outlook on life, I seem to be breaking that cycle. I suppose that anger, just like diabetes or obesity, though one may be predisposed to it, one can also avoid it with the right tools and lifestyle. So let's suppose I am predisposed to anger. According to Chandler, if I am carrying guilt and shame, I am likely to support that predisposition.

Moving on. I believe that Jesus rescued me at a very young age. I can look back on my life and see the work of His hand--of that I am certain. However, because of any number of factors, I spent many years in guilt and shame. I could go back to my childhood and the experiences that I faced while growing up. In an effort to avoid blaming any particular person or dramatically playing the victim, let's just say that I did, in fact, have many experiences that did cause an immense amount of guilt and shame in my life. Later as an adult, I made choices that added to the guilt and shame that I carried on my shoulders daily. I have been sinned against, and I have sinned terribly. Because of that guilt and shame weighing on me, I did exactly as Pastor Matt explained above. I gave way to my guilt and I gave myself over to my shame. I allowed others to abuse me and I allowed others to take advantage of me. More times than I'd like to admit, I handled myself cheaply because I believed that there was nothing valuable in me. I felt unaccepted among church acquaintances because of the obvious sin in my life. I was looked at strangely by some family and others because I was deemed a "goody-goody"....something I never claimed. In fact, when I became pregnant with my first son, one family member bluntly and painfully stated, "Now we know how you really are." I continued being burdened by guilt and shame and continued making choices that supported those burdens, mostly because it was all I knew. It was comfortable, albeit painful. Because of the rejection I felt by so many, I desperately sought acceptance and love in all the wrong ways and places from people that would continue to abuse and take advantage of me...and the shame cycle continued. 

But that was not the end of the story. The Father never forsakes His children. During the summer of 2011, I was stopped in my tracks. I realized that I was everything I hated. I was becoming exactly what I swore I would never be. I tried, and failed miserably, to live a righteous life by my own power. Jesus brought me to the understanding that the only way I can be free of my sin and truly live a life of a victory was to seek first His Kingdom, His Righteousness, and His Glory. I do not have to be ashamed of the sin in my life because Jesus became shame on my behalf. I've been justified. Am I without sin? No. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. It means that I'm redeemed.

Even after this realization, however, I still doubted that I would ever find someone on this earth that would love me. I no longer feared being single, but trusted that God would shape my life in the way that would bring Him the most glory. Even if it meant a life of singleness, I wanted what God wanted. Then I met him--the man that would become my husband. I was certain that once Jonathan knew all the details of my past, he too would reject me. We sat on my couch talking late one evening, as we often did in those early days. I said to him, "There are things about me and my past that you need to know about, and they're not good." He leaned in close and sincerely responded, "Gina, I know you have a past. I know you want to tell me about it, and I will listen. But if you are truly repentant, then I have no choice but to see you as Jesus sees you--and that is blameless." Needless to say, I cried. I cried out of humility. I cried out of gratitude. 

In Chandler's sermon, he spoke of people having a hard time accepting love from others because of the shame they feel. Jonathan pointed out that he sees that in me sometimes. Sometimes, when I am not feeling very lovable, I have a hard time looking Jonathan in the eyes because I just can't understand how he can accept me and love me so willingly. Conversely, there have been times that Jonathan has wronged me and all he wanted to do was hide his face from me. It reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve in the garden attempting in vain to hide from their Maker. 

Friends, we do not have to hide anymore. We do not have to be ashamed or carry guilt. Jesus became shame. He became guilt. He became dishonor and sin and everything we hate. Then he rose up out of all of that so that we can live freely and victoriously. 



[1 ]Chandler, M. (Writer) (2013). The perfect storm [Web series episode]. In Chandler, M. (Executive Producer), Recovering Redemption. Flower Mound, Texas: The Village Church. Retrieved from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/the-perfect-storm/

My Husband is Not Enough

My husband is not enough for me. He is not loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, selfless enough, or thoughtful enough to keep me happy. Jonathan does NOT complete me.

Growing up in this society, a girl is brainwashed with certain expectations for a man. It all starts with that perfect Prince Charming she sees in the movies. She wants someone to ride in on the white horse, rescue her from the evil stepmother, save her from a life of pain, despair, and brokenness. She wants that Jerry Maguire who will complete her. This desire in her heart does not happen upon her by mistake or by society's doing. The fairy tales do not place that longing there, but do attempt to show her what would fulfill it. And so she searches for him. That perfect man. "The One."

When she does this, she may fall for someone who at first appears as if he might be just the right fit. She may even marry under the false impression that she has found The One. Then, inevitably, he will wrong her. He may forget their anniversary, stop telling her she's beautiful, or forget to show her affection. They may argue, he may try harder and impress her again. But, eventually, he will fail again. He always does. They may even both change, or grow apart if you will. She will become angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, and even begin to wonder if she made a mistake. "I thought he was the one. He used to pursue me. He used to give up everything for me. Maybe I married him too soon. Maybe I was too young. Maybe there's someone better. There has to be someone better."

Or maybe some will make the mistake I have found myself falling into. You see, I understood that no man would be perfect. I understood that my husband had flaws. But sometimes before I even realize what is happening, I find myself trying to improve him, tweak him, and even [gasp] change him. Recently, I found myself wanting Jonathan to be more of an initiator or planner. I wanted him to schedule a surprise date night or plan a family outing. And I did not want to tell him that I wanted these things. I wanted him to want to do it on his own. Sound familiar, ladies? But Jonathan has never been one to do those things. It is just not how his mind works, and I've always known that. I've always accepted that about him. So when I suddenly became angry at him for not being what I wanted, he was left confused and I was left unsatisfied. Needless to say, a minor marital battle ensued.

When that happens, as I'm sure it will again, I have to go back to The Perfect One. I have to remember the Truth. When I feel that desire, longing, aching, and even disappointment creeping up in my heart, it takes a work of the Spirit to remind me that I'm looking to the wrong man. I'm looking to an imperfect man to fully satisfy me. It won't happen. It's not possible for him to do that and it is not fair of me to expect that of him. 

Jesus is the only One that has given up everything for us, ladies. He's the only One that loves us with a perfect love, knew all of our deepest, darkest secrets, and forgave us while we rejected Him. When that feeling of emptiness begins to surface again, we must remember that God put that need in our hearts and only God can perfectly fulfill it. Only when we are fully satisfied in Him will we experience true joy and completion.

*This post written with the knowledge and approval of the amazing, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, caring, loving (albeit imperfect) Jonathan Staley.