I Just Can't

Forgive me, friends, for so many angst-filled posts. I'll try to bring something lighthearted to the blog soon. In the meantime, this is where I am.

It's 4:39 in the morning. I've been awake since about 2:00, woken up by a little voice in the night. "Momma.....Momma!" I went into the boys' room to find Isaac sitting up on the end of his bed. He kept saying, "Hold you," though it sounds more like "ho-hu." I told him it was still night night time and asked him if he wanted some water. He nodded. I grabbed a cup of water, gave him a drink, tucked him back in, and kissed his forehead. Then I headed back to bed.

That's when I noticed a new text message on my phone. A message from one of my closest friends sharing some difficult news. That's all I can say about that right now. I spent the next couple of hours in prayer and drifting in and out of sleep.

I've been looking back at life over the past several months, maybe even the past couple of years. I don't know if it's adulthood, if the brokenness of the world really is just getting worse, or both. Sometimes, while I know for certain that God is sovereign and is still on His throne, it is so difficult to make sense of His plans.

Lately, I can't understand it when things in life seem to make sense and fit so perfectly until those plans are changed and life is no longer as simple. Sometimes, I can't wrap my mind around a young mother being taken too soon by cancer. Other times, I can't understand brothers and sisters across the globe being imprisoned and murdered by extremists. I have a hard time accepting news of another broken family. It is difficult for me to fathom the loss of a little one and how any good could ever come from that. It just doesn't make sense to me when someone longs to be a parent and the Lord doesn't provide the way that we feel He should. I can't begin to find the logic in the image of a two-year-old boy washed up on shore, the story of another hate-filled shooting, or news of another precious one that has not been valued as the image-bearer of the Creator that they are. My heart is breaking this morning.

So I pray. I journal. I blog. I worship. I try to find some rest. I am reminded of words that were shared at a recent church retreat:

I cry aloud to God,

aloud to God, and he will hear me. 

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; 

in the night my hand is stretched out

without wearying;

my soul refuses to be comforted.

When I remember God, I moan;

when I meditate, my spirit faints.

You hold my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I consider the days of old,

the years long ago.

I said, "Let me remember my song in 

the night;

let me meditate in my heart."

Then my spirit made a diligent search:

"Will the Lord spurn forever,

and never again be favorable?

Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

Are his promises at an end for all 

time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his

compassion?"

Then I said, "I will appeal to this,

to the years of the right hand of the 

Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your wonders of

old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might

among the peoples.

You with your arm redeemed your 

people,

the children of Jacob and Joseph.

When waters saw you, O God,

when the waters saw you, they were

afraid;

indeed the deep trembled.

The clouds poured out water;

the skies gave forth thunder;

your arrows flashed on every side.

The crash of your thunder was in the 

whirlwind;

your lightnings lighted up the world;

the earth trembled and shook.

Your way was through the sea,

your path through the great waters;

yet your footprints were unseen.

You led your people like a flock 

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Psalm 77   

When life just doesn't make sense, all I have to do is look back over my life, over the course of history, and through the pages of Scripture to see God's unending faithfulness. God will make all of this right. He will get the glory. He already won when Jesus died on the cross and conquered death. That is the hope I cling to. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

Please, please come quickly, Lord Jesus. 

A Little Boy's Heartbreak

There are fewer things more difficult in life than seeing your child experience heartbreak. My Malachi tends to have quite a tender heart. A couple of years ago I thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy. Malachi just fell in love with the little guy, but I quickly realized that my decision was a mistake. With just the two of us in the home leading very busy lives, we just did not have the time or attention that the puppy needed. I had to give him away. I had prepped Malachi for this. I explained why we needed to find him a new home and included him in the process of seeking a new owner. He knew it was coming. But at the moment of truth, when the new owner was walking out of the door with the dog, Malachi fell apart. He sat on my lap for a good hour afterward and just sobbed. In another instance, a neighbor and her daughter that we had grown very close to were planning to move. I told Malachi that they found a new home and would be leaving. For a moment, he just stood there staring at me with his big hazel eyes. Then, as if he had finally processed what I was saying, he just lost it. I usually find myself in tears anytime something like this happens. It is awful seeing him experience such pain. Everything in me wants to jump between him and the source of the pain so he does not have to see it. I want to absorb all of the ache so he does not have to feel it. But, as parents, we must do what is best for our children. Oftentimes, what is best for them is not to protect them from the heartbreak, but to walk through it with them. And usually, I'm surprised at his resiliency and ability to cope. I'm usually left with the conclusion that the whole experience was harder for me to watch than for him to come through.

Most recently, I've had to share some news with him that is different than his previous experiences. I think this has been the hardest to watch him go through. I've lost sleep thinking about it.

Malachi has a set of grandparents, Jan and Will, that he has always been especially close to. Oddly enough, these are not biological grandparents, but just a couple that has been very involved in my life for several years. Ever since I had Malachi and became a single mother, Jan and Will were there. They helped anytime I desperately needed a break and watched Malachi when I had a second job or classes to attend. They showed up at every important event in Malachi's life. Will played the father-figure roll to Malachi before he had a Daddy. Will and Malachi have always been especially close. This has been strange to see because Will is not particularly close or attached to anyone, with the exception of Malachi.

Malachi is his buddy. He calls him the "Little Guy" or "Bubby" and always "tickles his belly button" or "gets his chubby neck". These were phrases that Malachi came to expect and enjoy from his Grandpa Will. He knew that he could call Grandpa Will at work and invite him to his sporting events. He always showed up, even if it meant leaving work early and standing in the pouring rain, just to watch Malachi play.

Well unfortunately, Jan and Will recently decided to divorce. For the sake of this story and out of respect for their privacy, the details of their relationship are unimportant. When I heard that this was happening, Jonathan and I talked to Malachi about it for a long time and explained to him that Grandpa would be leaving soon. Not surprisingly, he cried. A couple of weeks ago, before he left, Will showed up at Malachi's soccer practice. Malachi was not expecting him. As he was playing on the field, he glanced over at me and saw someone tall standing next to me. We could see him squinting to try to see who it was and then I could see the realization come across his face. His eyes lit up. He ran over and hugged Will excitedly, then ran back to the field. Last Saturday, Will came to Malachi's soccer game. He stood behind the goal as Malachi played goalie and he coached him along. I knew he would be moving soon. I spoke to Will and asked him to let me know when and where he goes and to try to keep in touch. He told me he would, but I had a feeling that would not be the case. I found out this past Thursday morning that Will would be leaving town that evening. No one knew where he was going and he wanted to keep it that way. I called him at work and told him that Malachi had soccer practice that night. I asked, "Would you like to come, or would you rather talk to him on the phone and tell him goodbye?" He just said, "No, I think it would be best to just let it go." I got off the phone. Part of me expected this, but part of me couldn't believe it. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Malachi could have handled it. He does best when others are forthcoming with him. He would've had some closure. Honestly, I think it was mostly because Will did not want to have to feel the pain of leaving. Malachi really was the person that Will enjoyed most and I think he knew how much it would hurt to say goodbye. Once again, I had news to share with Malachi. "Grandpa Will left. He moved. We don't know where he is going and we will not see him again." He said, "I'm really going to miss him at my games. He really helped me when I was goalie. I wish I wouldn't have argued with him." I assured him that Grandpa Will loves him very much and probably doesn't even remember him arguing. A little while later, he crawled up next to me and started crying. Jonathan and I explained that divorce is awful and it is never God's plan. Divorce always hurts so many and the effects ripple on and on.

What sets this experience apart from the others, even the recent deaths that Malachi dealt with, is that someone he loves so much is choosing to leave him. Of course we know that the divorce is not about him, but that's not how it feels to him. We told Malachi that seeing the effects of sin (pain, death, illness, etc.) causes us to hate sin and see why we desperately need a Savior. We explained that no person is perfect and that other people, even those we love the most, will always disappoint us if we look to them for our perfect joy. In Jesus, we can forgive and we can have the hope of a better eternity. Jesus will never disappoint us and will always love us perfectly. We reminded him that we can allow pain to push us away from Jesus if we don't trust Him, or we can allow it to help us to lean more on Jesus and get closer to Him. Jonathan and I also promised Malachi that we would never divorce; that we are sure because God joined us together and is able to keep us together, even when we mess up. We also showed Him how God was already preparing our family to be able to deal with this pain before we even knew that it was going to happen. God provided Malachi with a Daddy and a new set of grandparents that love him so much. Fortunately, Malachi spent a lot less time with Will after Jonathan and I got married because I just didn't need the help as much anymore. We reminded Malachi of the other grandparents and people in his life that love him. No one will ever replace Grandpa Will in Malachi's heart. But by the grace of Jesus, Malachi will move on and heal. As his Momma, I pray he heals quickly...