I Hated Myself

We have been listening to sermons by Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church on Sunday mornings while we get ready to head to our home church. Most recently, we've been going through his Recovering Redemption series. This past Sunday, we were listening to a sermon that spoke about the Christian's experience with guilt and shame. While I was searching Isaac's dresser for clothes, Chandler said something; something that just about knocked me over. I felt as if he was describing me--well the old me. The me I could've been forever, if not for redemption. First, I'll share what Pastor Matt said, then I'll tell you about me. 

"If you let your moral, legal code be the Bible, so you're good church folk, you believe the Ten Commandments, and you're going to believe what the Bible says, but your self-ideal has been built around heroes in the world, you have set yourself up for guilt and shame, regardless of where you turn. 

"When you show up at church, you're going to feel guilt because you're in violation of the law of God, but when you show up at work and the party scene, you're going to feel shame for being the goody-goody. So you've set yourself up to be rejected and be miserable at every turn. Guilt and shame will mark your life, because your morals are in Jerusalem and your self-ideals are in Hollywood or, for you businessmen, in Manhattan. When you do that, your life is going to be built on and around guilt and shame. 

"When you walk in guilt and shame, a by-product of that is oftentimes (yet not always) anger. So we feel guilt. We feel shame. We're falling short of our self-ideals. We're in violation of the laws and commands of God, so we feel guilt and shame. That brings about anger in our lives. 

"Now anger first works itself out up and against ourselves. There's a form of self-hate that begins to form in our hearts. Let me flesh out how this works. I'm not speaking now as someone who has read a book on this; I'm speaking now as one who has lived in this environment. I'm not speaking out of ignorance, but I am speaking out of experience. 

"When self-hate exists, you will first abuse yourself. Now how do you abuse yourself? Well, that range is all over the place. I mean, it's everything from cutting yourself, hurting yourself… But more than likely it's just a giving yourself over to shame. It's, "Since I am guilty, since I do feel dirty…" You give yourself over to the shame you feel. 

"At that moment, you're saying, "I have no honor in me; there's nothing good or lovely in me," so then you allow others to abuse you. You allow others to take advantage of you. You handle yourself cheaply as though there is nothing intrinsically valuable about you. You will stop taking care of yourself. It is self-hate. It has its roots in anger, and that anger is derived from guilt and shame." [1]

Chandler goes on to talk about how guilt and shame can also bring about abuse of others and lust. For the sake of my story, I'm going to focus on anger and self-hate.

Before I really dive into my experience, a little side note. At my second appointment with Dr. Eller, she spoke to me about those "strong genes" she previously mentioned I had inherited (see previous post: Health Evaluation). I was excited to talk about that, thinking it would be something positive. She used the practice of iridology, or the study of the irises, to observe my genetics. What she explained is that emotions can be inherited, and apparently, I have inherited very strong anger genes. Excellent. She asked if there is a lot of anger in my family and I confirmed her observations. She did say, however, that given my outlook on life, I seem to be breaking that cycle. I suppose that anger, just like diabetes or obesity, though one may be predisposed to it, one can also avoid it with the right tools and lifestyle. So let's suppose I am predisposed to anger. According to Chandler, if I am carrying guilt and shame, I am likely to support that predisposition.

Moving on. I believe that Jesus rescued me at a very young age. I can look back on my life and see the work of His hand--of that I am certain. However, because of any number of factors, I spent many years in guilt and shame. I could go back to my childhood and the experiences that I faced while growing up. In an effort to avoid blaming any particular person or dramatically playing the victim, let's just say that I did, in fact, have many experiences that did cause an immense amount of guilt and shame in my life. Later as an adult, I made choices that added to the guilt and shame that I carried on my shoulders daily. I have been sinned against, and I have sinned terribly. Because of that guilt and shame weighing on me, I did exactly as Pastor Matt explained above. I gave way to my guilt and I gave myself over to my shame. I allowed others to abuse me and I allowed others to take advantage of me. More times than I'd like to admit, I handled myself cheaply because I believed that there was nothing valuable in me. I felt unaccepted among church acquaintances because of the obvious sin in my life. I was looked at strangely by some family and others because I was deemed a "goody-goody"....something I never claimed. In fact, when I became pregnant with my first son, one family member bluntly and painfully stated, "Now we know how you really are." I continued being burdened by guilt and shame and continued making choices that supported those burdens, mostly because it was all I knew. It was comfortable, albeit painful. Because of the rejection I felt by so many, I desperately sought acceptance and love in all the wrong ways and places from people that would continue to abuse and take advantage of me...and the shame cycle continued. 

But that was not the end of the story. The Father never forsakes His children. During the summer of 2011, I was stopped in my tracks. I realized that I was everything I hated. I was becoming exactly what I swore I would never be. I tried, and failed miserably, to live a righteous life by my own power. Jesus brought me to the understanding that the only way I can be free of my sin and truly live a life of a victory was to seek first His Kingdom, His Righteousness, and His Glory. I do not have to be ashamed of the sin in my life because Jesus became shame on my behalf. I've been justified. Am I without sin? No. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. It means that I'm redeemed.

Even after this realization, however, I still doubted that I would ever find someone on this earth that would love me. I no longer feared being single, but trusted that God would shape my life in the way that would bring Him the most glory. Even if it meant a life of singleness, I wanted what God wanted. Then I met him--the man that would become my husband. I was certain that once Jonathan knew all the details of my past, he too would reject me. We sat on my couch talking late one evening, as we often did in those early days. I said to him, "There are things about me and my past that you need to know about, and they're not good." He leaned in close and sincerely responded, "Gina, I know you have a past. I know you want to tell me about it, and I will listen. But if you are truly repentant, then I have no choice but to see you as Jesus sees you--and that is blameless." Needless to say, I cried. I cried out of humility. I cried out of gratitude. 

In Chandler's sermon, he spoke of people having a hard time accepting love from others because of the shame they feel. Jonathan pointed out that he sees that in me sometimes. Sometimes, when I am not feeling very lovable, I have a hard time looking Jonathan in the eyes because I just can't understand how he can accept me and love me so willingly. Conversely, there have been times that Jonathan has wronged me and all he wanted to do was hide his face from me. It reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve in the garden attempting in vain to hide from their Maker. 

Friends, we do not have to hide anymore. We do not have to be ashamed or carry guilt. Jesus became shame. He became guilt. He became dishonor and sin and everything we hate. Then he rose up out of all of that so that we can live freely and victoriously. 



[1 ]Chandler, M. (Writer) (2013). The perfect storm [Web series episode]. In Chandler, M. (Executive Producer), Recovering Redemption. Flower Mound, Texas: The Village Church. Retrieved from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/the-perfect-storm/

Learning While Correcting

I don't know about you, but I've noticed that God regularly uses my children to teach me lessons. Usually it happens that we are disciplining or correcting Malachi and God says something along the lines of, "Look familiar? You are the same. Just as your child does, so do you." This came today in the form of a mischievous seven-year-old boy and a broken ornament.

As a family, we got up early to head to the mall for annual photos. While there, we took some time to enjoy being out of the house together. We walked around, had smoothies, looked at books, and bought this year's Christmas ornaments for each of us. We carefully selected "just right" ornaments; one for Isaac's first Christmas, one for our last Christmas in our Missouri home together, and Malachi chose a soccer player ornament as that was his favorite sport to play this year. Malachi's and Isaac's ornaments were from the cute little kiosk in the mall with the nice girl that carefully pens names on each one. The ornaments aren't overly pricey, but they're definitely not cheap. 

By the time we got home, we were all beat. We hung up the ornaments and put away other goodies. Isaac went down for a nap, Malachi and I laid in my bed to rest, and Jonathan played some video games. After a half hour, Malachi was ready to get up. We gave him a little extra "technology time" today so that we could all relax. Awhile later, Isaac and I both got up and the family started coming together in the living room. When I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, I noticed Malachi's ornament sitting on the kitchen counter--broken. 

"Malachi, what happened to your ornament?" I asked. 
He responded, "Oh, it accidentally broke." 
"It accidentally broke? How did that happen?" 
"It fell and broke." 
"HOW did it fall and break?" 
"I might have bumped it and it might have fallen." 
"Malachi, were you playing with the ornament?" 
"I just kinda swung it on the branch and it fell." 
I paused for a few minutes. "That's really disappointing," I said. I went on, "We just bought it today, it cost a bit of money, and it's already broken."
"You can just superglue it."
"That's not the point! We bought this for you, you broke it, and didn't even tell us." 
"Sorry," he said. But he said it in that tone. You know the one; the one that says, "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I don't see the big deal, so I'm going to just shrug and apologize to try to appease you." 

At that, Malachi was sent to his bedroom by his dad and told that he needed to think about the situation and how to speak to his mother more respectfully. A few minutes later, Malachi came out ready to apologize for being disrespectful. Jonathan asked if he had thought about anything else that he needed to talk about. Malachi said he did not. Jonathan walked Malachi back into his room to have a talk. I listened from the other room as Jonathan pointed out to Malachi that he didn't seem to care about respecting his parents, his things, or gifts from us. 

After a few minutes I asked Jonathan if I could chime in. "Malachi, here's what I think happened. I'm thinking that you played with the ornament and broke it. Then you probably kind of freaked out a little. Maybe your heart skipped a beat and your stomach turned. Am I close?" 
Malachi responded, "You're right there, actually. I worried, 'What will Mom and Dad say about this?'" 
I went on, "And so you decided to downplay the situation. You tried to casually set it on the counter and not make a big deal of it thinking that if you brushed it off, maybe Mom and Dad would, too." 
"Yes," he said. 

I explained to him that though we are disappointed about the ornament, and would have been regardless, we would not have been near as upset with him had he just taken responsibility, accepted the seriousness of it, confessed it to us, and apologized. We would have seen that he understood the consequences of his actions and would not have done the same thing again. But instead he tried to behave as though what had happened was not a big deal and so disrespected us. Further, if he does not understand that what he did was a big deal, he is more likely to repeat the behavior.

I realized that I can do the same thing with my sin. I may downplay it, or worse, compare it to another's sin. I may shrug it off and behave as though it wasn't that big of a deal. I can forget about it, never confess it, and never repent of it. The problem with this is that sin is a big deal. A very big deal. Anything short of perfection is unacceptable to the Father. When we do not see how dark and awful our sin is to a Holy God, it belittles His goodness and grace and will put distance between us and our Father. We must be willing to see ourselves and our sin through His eyes to be able to understand why we so desperately need a Savior. Understanding the seriousness of our sin allows us to see how great His love and grace really are. He loves us, lived the life and paid the price that we could not, and lives today so that we can be free of our sin and display His glory.  

Practically speaking, when I'm still enough to hear God speak to me through these situations, I am able to approach my children with more patience, forgiveness, and understanding--just as the Father accepts me. You see, all relationships can teach us about the Gospel. Everything, in fact, is a Gospel matter. That is, after all, the whole purpose of this life.

My Husband is Not Enough

My husband is not enough for me. He is not loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, selfless enough, or thoughtful enough to keep me happy. Jonathan does NOT complete me.

Growing up in this society, a girl is brainwashed with certain expectations for a man. It all starts with that perfect Prince Charming she sees in the movies. She wants someone to ride in on the white horse, rescue her from the evil stepmother, save her from a life of pain, despair, and brokenness. She wants that Jerry Maguire who will complete her. This desire in her heart does not happen upon her by mistake or by society's doing. The fairy tales do not place that longing there, but do attempt to show her what would fulfill it. And so she searches for him. That perfect man. "The One."

When she does this, she may fall for someone who at first appears as if he might be just the right fit. She may even marry under the false impression that she has found The One. Then, inevitably, he will wrong her. He may forget their anniversary, stop telling her she's beautiful, or forget to show her affection. They may argue, he may try harder and impress her again. But, eventually, he will fail again. He always does. They may even both change, or grow apart if you will. She will become angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, and even begin to wonder if she made a mistake. "I thought he was the one. He used to pursue me. He used to give up everything for me. Maybe I married him too soon. Maybe I was too young. Maybe there's someone better. There has to be someone better."

Or maybe some will make the mistake I have found myself falling into. You see, I understood that no man would be perfect. I understood that my husband had flaws. But sometimes before I even realize what is happening, I find myself trying to improve him, tweak him, and even [gasp] change him. Recently, I found myself wanting Jonathan to be more of an initiator or planner. I wanted him to schedule a surprise date night or plan a family outing. And I did not want to tell him that I wanted these things. I wanted him to want to do it on his own. Sound familiar, ladies? But Jonathan has never been one to do those things. It is just not how his mind works, and I've always known that. I've always accepted that about him. So when I suddenly became angry at him for not being what I wanted, he was left confused and I was left unsatisfied. Needless to say, a minor marital battle ensued.

When that happens, as I'm sure it will again, I have to go back to The Perfect One. I have to remember the Truth. When I feel that desire, longing, aching, and even disappointment creeping up in my heart, it takes a work of the Spirit to remind me that I'm looking to the wrong man. I'm looking to an imperfect man to fully satisfy me. It won't happen. It's not possible for him to do that and it is not fair of me to expect that of him. 

Jesus is the only One that has given up everything for us, ladies. He's the only One that loves us with a perfect love, knew all of our deepest, darkest secrets, and forgave us while we rejected Him. When that feeling of emptiness begins to surface again, we must remember that God put that need in our hearts and only God can perfectly fulfill it. Only when we are fully satisfied in Him will we experience true joy and completion.

*This post written with the knowledge and approval of the amazing, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, caring, loving (albeit imperfect) Jonathan Staley.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Living Frugally with Time and Money

Living frugally is something I have always struggled with. When I speak of living frugally, I am referring to living conservatively and simply in areas of time and money, but the ideas could be applied in other areas where good stewardship is required, such as health, work, and day-to-day choices. The opposite of frugal is wasteful, and I have been quite wasteful in many ways.

When I was in third grade, I remember having a report card sent home with the dreaded, red "U" representing "unsatisfactory" for the behavior labeled "uses time wisely." Needless to say, I found other things to do when I was supposed to be working. I was generally a good kid at school, but I remember my mother getting called in for a conference because I daydreamed too much. Funny enough, I see the same behavior in Malachi. I had to really work to stay focused and keep wise use of my time.

Time management remains a struggle for me today. The difference today is that I try to do too much. This started in late high school and college when I could be considered the typical "social butterfly." I can remember being so tired, but having a hard time leaving a social event because I did not want to miss out on something. After I had Malachi, I wanted adult interaction and companionship, so we went out with friends or to a family member's home almost every night of the week. Then when Malachi got a little older, church activities increased and sports were introduced. To say we were busy is an understatement. Overloading the schedule is not unlike making financial obligations that you cannot keep. It can be especially damaging for the relationships in the home. Between sports, church, community service, work, and social activities, keeping up with the Joneses was affecting us. Malachi would become cranky, demanding, anxious, and argumentative when our schedule was too full. When Jonathan and I started dating, he quickly took notice of my tendency to overload our schedule. We had to simplify. We had to prioritize. There is not a cookie-cutter explanation of how to do this for your family. Everyone's needs and priorities are different. To improve our time management, we set a limit of one sport per season, cut out AWANA Clubs because Malachi was already committed to so much scripture memorization at school, stopped eating out so much, and I learned to say no to social invitations. The same ideas can be applied to the daily to-do list. When I first started spending time with Phoebe, she reminded me that building and supporting the relationships in my home is top priority over the responsibilities of cleaning, running errands, and other activities.

As homemakers, we are given the tasks of managing our family's schedule and oftentimes the budget as well. Growing up, I was not taught proper money management. When I was given money, I was allowed to spend it. Sometimes my parents would shake their heads at me and say, "You just let money burn a hole in your pocket, don't you?" But they never took time to teach me otherwise. In young adulthood, I made huge financial mistakes in the name of selfishness, greediness, and materialism. When I became a single mother, I became less selfish with my money, but still could not grasp the techniques of really managing my money appropriately. In praying for a husband, I was very specific that I needed someone who could lead, provide, and manage resources well. As anyone that knows Jonathan can testify, God answered that prayer exactly as I had hoped.

Again, as with other areas of frugal living, prioritizing is key. I have had to learn the difference between needs and wants. I have noticed that when I buy new clothes for myself, I want more new clothes and accessories. When I shop less frequently, I notice that I don't feel the desire to shop as often. I have learned to appreciate second-hand clothes for my boys, as opposed to brand new. I learned to find joy in saving money by buying all of my new baby needs (crib, rocker, swing, etc.) on craigslist or in swap groups on Facebook. We have grown to appreciate a home without cable. The television is on less, books are read and games are played more. But our priorities may not be someone else's. I enjoy saving money through the use of cloth diapers, but will happily splurge on a pricey date night once in awhile. Others are content to use disposable diapers while saving money with free or cheap date nights. While priorities may look different for everyone, the absence of any priorities is what will cause trouble.

All throughout His word, God teaches us to manage our resources well--not to make much of us, but to make much of Him. With the Holy Spirit's help and by allowing Him to change our hearts, we can learn to honor him with our time, money, and other resources. We can learn to live simply, accept the life we are living, and learn the difference between needs and wants. When covetousness and discontentment begin to take hold in our hearts, we can seek the Lord's help, praise Him for the gifts He has given, and begin to see how blessed we truly are. Only when we are fully satisfied in the Lord will we find true joy and contentment.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Family Mealtime

Mealtimes are favorite times for the Staley's. We love to be in the kitchen together, discover new recipes to try, and share in our creations together. Sometimes meals are simple, other times they are complex. More often than not these days, meals are cheap, simply because we have to save money. For us, mealtime is a time to enjoy each other as a family, date as a couple, unwind after a busy day, and invest in a practical hobby.

I have learned that as the household manager, it is my responsibility to plan the meals, prepare most of them, make the budget go as far as possible, and make it all enjoyable for my family. The following are just a few ideas that I've learned that work for us. 

Saving Money on the Grocery Budget

Before we tightened the budget to save more aggressively, our meals could get a little pricey. Our grocery budget used to be around $600 a month. Then we compared. We figured out that in comparison with other families of the same size and probably about the same income, we were over-doing it a bit. Unless there is some special occasion now, we just don't find it necessary to indulge, and we make the cheap stuff pretty yummy, if I do say so myself. We have cut our budget down to $400 monthly, and that is to include household items and baby needs. Though I'm sure there are ways to do it better, this is where we are for now. 

1. Meal Plan

This is probably our biggest money saver! We always plan weekly, sometimes biweekly, occasionally monthly. In the picture, you will see an example of one of our rare three-week meal plans. This meal plan happened because we had a lot of food in our pantry that needed to get used up, we like making soups in the fall, and we just wanted to see if we could make it work. Monthly meal plans need to be more flexible than weekly meal plans. So throughout the month, we may need to move some of the meals around, but the options stay the same. In case you cannot see clearly, some ideas include biscuits and gravy, veggie pizza, chicken and veggies with tortillas, eggs and potatoes, nachos, fish and veggies with rice, grilled cheese and soup, beans and rice. Other meals we've done include biscuits and fruit, fruit and eggs, salad, roasted veggies, tortillas and black-eyed peas, and sausage with cabbage.

2. Make a List

When we shop, we bring a list and ONLY PURCHASE WHAT IS ON THE LIST. That is most difficult for me, but I have to remember that it is necessary to make budget. Our list includes all items needed for each meal, school snacks for Malachi, work snacks for Jonathan, bottled water, baby formula, and household items such as toilet paper, dish detergent, etc. 

We also plan out snacks to purchase. We do not buy a bunch of junk snacks to have them readily available in our pantry whenever we want. We buy enough snack food for Jonathan to have some at work, and Malachi to have two snacks a day (morning snack at school and afternoon snack at home). If I snack, it is usually only once or twice a day and it is most often a piece of fruit or handful of nuts that we already have at home.

3. Channel Your Inner Betty Crocker and Make Food from Scratch

One bag of flour, one bag of sugar, a can of shortening or box of butter, and some salt are the basic ingredients to make breads, biscuits, pie crusts, tortillas, and more. I grew up on canned biscuits, bagged tortillas, frozen pie crusts, and other prepared foods. These are so much more expensive and unhealthy than homemade. The downside of doing things this way is that the products will not always turn out perfect. Sometimes my biscuits are too dense or my tortillas are too tough, but they are not inedible. We never throw them out, but discuss ways to do better next time. 


Making things homemade is also fun for the kids. Malachi loves to bring his stool in the kitchen, measure and mix ingredients, and enjoy his finished product. He not only learns math, science, and social skills, but he also learns to appreciate the gift of food. 

When seeking out recipes, I usually just Google search what I'm looking for, choose a link with five stars, and read the reviews before preparing. If I like the recipe, I save it on Pinterest and write it in a recipe journal that we have at home. 

Some things, like pasta or delicate pastry, are just too difficult for me to make at home with the tools I currently have. I don't sweat it when I have to purchase prepared items, I just avoid it whenever reasonably possible.

4. Become a Part-Time Vegetarian

Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans as a Meal

Our family initially became part-time vegetarian for my health concerns. I determined that the worst things for my health, or really anyone's health, are too much meat and too many simple carbs. What does that leave? Fruits, vegetables, eggs, fish, nuts, and beans. When we made this change, we saw how expensive meat really is and how it was killing our budget to have it every single day, sometimes three times a day. For those that say, "But you need protein and iron," I completely agree! That's why we regularly eat fish, eggs, beans, and nuts! We now have four to five vegetarian meals for dinner every week on average. My health has improved, our children are being taught better eating habits, and we are saving money. Triple win!

We also buy all of our produce either through Community Helpings Co-Op, which happens to have several area pick-up locations, or Aldi Supermarket. Occasionally will we need one or two ingredients that cannot be found through these resources, so we'll go to Schnucks. I will add that we also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Trader Joe's, but only go there once every other month or so just for fun. 

5. Buy and Prepare in Bulk

Oh if we had a deep freeze or storage pantry, I would have a second home at Costco. I would also participate in a cow-share! But alas, our bulk-buying power is limited by our small living quarters. We can only do what we can do with the resources God has given us. When Shop 'n Save has their meat sale, and my freezer space allows, I stock up. 

We will also make soups and sauces in large amounts and freeze them for convenient, cheap meals later in the month. If you look on my meal plan listed above, you will see veggie soup written three times. That's because I made this amazing, hearty, vegetable bean soup in a giant pot and had enough for three meals. 

6. Change Your Definition of a Meal

Stuffed Mushrooms, Fruit, Veggies

Growing up, my dinner plate usually had a meat, a veggie, and a starch or grain. For example, a typical meal may have been pork chop, peas, and mashed potatoes. This can get expensive and unhealthy quick. Instead, we might have beans and rice for dinner and that's it. We make an effort to stop eating when we are satisfied, as overeating is a form of wastefulness, selfishness, and indulgence (gluttony) and can lead to health problems, so there is no need to load our plates up with more food than necessary. Also on my meal plan, you will see a couple days that just say "snack". That's because we love to cut up cheese, toast some bread or get out crackers, cut up fruit, get out some nuts and just munch.  Easy. Cheap. Fun. 

7. Buy Off Brand When You Can

You have to pick and choose what you're willing to sacrifice or spend with this one. I cannot get my husband to waiver from name brand Cheez-Its (I WILL learn to make some good ones homemade). But we have learned that off-brand baby formula is the same as name brand. Some of you may say, "Wait, you buy name brand crackers but not baby formula?! What's the deal with that??" Yeah.....have you seen the price of baby formula? It costs $30-$35 for the cheapest bulk package that I can buy, or I can spend $15 for more of the same stuff with the same amount of each nutrient. That's a savings of up to $80 a month! That's almost a quarter of my grocery budget. And the wee one is still growing and developing with the best of 'em. Additionally, if I could nurse successfully (and I did try), I would. Nursing creates a huge savings, not to mention the health benefits it provides, if that works for you. 

Making Meal-Time Enjoyable

Mealtime should be enjoyable. It should be a time to come together, pray together, talk about the day, and unwind together. As moms, we want to set mealtime up to be enjoyable for the whole family whenever possible.

1. No Negative Comments Allowed

A conflict with Malachi last night is what motivated me to move forward with writing this post in the first place. I worked in the kitchen for two hours making the aforementioned amazing soup. We sat down at the table and started eating. I looked at Malachi and asked excitedly, "Do you like it?" He responded, "Did you make it differently than last time?" and "I mean, it's okay, sort of." Ugh! I lost it. I scolded him all the way to my mom study, walked into Phoebe's house, and just started crying. I know it seems a little bit over the top emotionally, but that conversation is literally a nightly issue. i could take it no longer. Phoebe and I sat down at her table and I hashed out the entire conversation with her. She said, "Okay, this is obviously a problem for you, so what's your game plan? It seems that this will happen again unless you have a plan." She explained that it is completely unnecessary to seek feedback or approval from my children regarding the meal. How they feel about it really doesn't matter. Further, I have been blessed by Malachi's openness when it comes to food given to him. He never looks at a food and says, "No, I can't eat that," "That's gross," or any number of picky phrases. He has never been a picky eater in that sense. The negative usually only comes out if I ask. So, I need to stop asking. Simple enough. Next, Phoebe encouraged me to tell Malachi, and Isaac as he grows, that there will be no negative comments at the table regarding the food. Its not proper or acceptable. If there is a negative comment, the child will have to sit in silence for the rest of the meal. If he still won't comply, then his mealtime ends and bedtime begins. 

Why is it that the simplest of ideas and techniques seem to evade my mind completely? Phoebe reminded me that we all lose it and allow our emotions to trample over our logic. That's why a game plan is necessary. 

 2. Avoid Phones, Video Games, or Television at the Table Whenever Possible

This should not need an explanation. Mealtime is family time. I am speaking specifically of mealtime at home. There are some Friday nights that we might enjoy our "snack" dinner in front of a movie. There are times that we go out to a restaurant and allow Malachi to play on his game system while we visit with friends. This, like with all of my suggestions, has to be made to work for you. Just have some sort of structure and expectation with this. I know that wasn't as direct as my other suggestions, but in today's technology-driven world, it's not easy to outline in black and white.

3. Try to Keep the Mood Light

Moms, as we tend to be the mood-setters, I believe this responsibility mostly falls on us. Jonathan gets home right at dinnertime most nights. I know that he prefers me to be in a good mood when he walks in the door. This goes without saying. So, if I just fought with Malachi over homework, and now the biscuits are burned, I need to figure out a way to put that aside and make things light for when Jonathan walks in the door. Sounds kinda old-fashioned, I know, but that's how we do things. Take it or leave it as you will. 

The best thing that I can do is to control my emotions. I usually have some sort of quiet music playing, maybe a candle burning or essential oils diffusing, and I try not to let things get to me. Let me make myself clear, this is on an ideal day. I FAIL AT THIS ALL THE TIME. If I burned the biscuits, I try to remind myself that we have bread that I can toast. Ultimately, Jonathan doesn't really care. He would prefer that I be in a good mood than have perfectly cooked food any day. If Malachi is arguing with me or making me angry, I just have to end it. This is the hardest for me. It is not unusual for Jonathan to walk in the door to me scolding Malachi, but it needs to get under control. A game plan is in order. I'll work on that. 

Another obvious idea that I have forgotten is that mealtime is not the time to discuss major issues such as disagreements, family conflicts, or frustrating finances. Again, mealtime should be enjoyable. 

Start with Prayer 

This helps us to remember that we are to do everything we do to God's glory. This includes eating, drinking, and talking (see the Christianese term: Fellowship). Let's remember that God designed food to be enjoyed so let's thank Him for that. Also remember that God and God alone provides for our needs. God wants us to enjoy mealtime so that we can further enjoy Him. 

My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you. 

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: The Desire to Learn

"[Older women] are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus 2:3-5

I have been aching to write about this for months! In my short four and a half months as a full-time homemaker, I have already learned so much about my job, my family, my faith, and myself. So much in fact, that it only makes sense to write a series of posts. And honestly, I have no idea how many posts will make up this series as of yet. I just know I've learned a lot, and in talking with a few of you, I'm thinking that what I've learned may be helpful to someone else.

Let me start with some background...

I did not grow up with a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends did not have stay-at-home parents. I met a bunch of stay-at-home moms when I was working throughout college. Most of them had nannies and housekeepers. That is just not an option for us and I truly prefer it this way. I did like what I saw on Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie, but I'm not naive enough to think that I could actually pull that off. So I really had no idea how this new role was supposed to look in my life. When I became a teacher, I spent hours upon hours sitting in the back of a classroom just watching the teacher teach. Then I had the opportunity to teach under the observation and support of the teacher. The same thing happened when I earned my counseling degree. Unfortunately, the opportunity to do the same with my new position was just not available. I had to figure it out on my own. I had a picture in my head of how my home and my family was to look. And it was my job to make it happen. Jonathan and I discussed his expectations of having me in the home full time. His mom was a stay-at-home mom for several years, so he had a relatively realistic idea of what should be done. He wanted the boys well cared for first and foremost. He wanted our lives to be less chaotic than when I was working outside of the home. He also wanted the house cleaned throughout the week if possible. However, his definition of clean is very different from my definition. My expectations for the home were much higher than his.

I mostly rested for the first six weeks after Isaac was born. Jonathan and his mother picked up the slack and helped me get back to work slowly. As far as I was concerned, week seven was back-to-full-time-work week. In my mind, I had to make sure that the house was sparkling, the children were obedient and smiling, dinner was on the table at 5:30, and my husband was relaxed. I needed an apron. A cute one. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought one. Seriously.

I created a weekly calendar that had our meal plan and family plans, as well as my daily responsibilities listed. I had it set up so that the entire house was deep cleaned over the course of a week, all laundry was cleaned and put away by Friday, family Bible studies were scheduled (at my husband's direction), and daily exercise was planned. I worked hard to hit the ground running by 5:30 in the morning when Jonathan got up. I made his coffee and kissed him as he walked out the door. I took Malachi to school and went walking at the park with Isaac. I went home and started checking items off my list one by one....until Isaac started crying. Then I had to tend to him. Then he pooped all over himself and me. Wait, the diaper pail was full. I had to wash more diapers......Gah! Isaac spit up all over the floor. So I picked him up...and he spit up all over my new cute apron. It was time to go get Malachi from school. Malachi, why do you have homework? It's the first day of school. I don't have time to help you with homework. Time to get dinner on the table. Why is it already 5:30?! The door is unlocking....great. I'm pretty sure that I was less than welcoming to Jonathan when he walked in the door. And that was only Monday. I tried again each day after that only to have the same end result. I was failing.

I am a firm believer in the Father's provision at the exact moment of our need, whether or not we recognize the need. Enter Phoebe Davis.

I took Malachi swimming at the park the weekend after that disastrous first week. I checked into the Crystal City Pool on Facebook. Phoebe, a college friend, commented on my check-in that she and her family lived right down the road from the pool and mentioned that we should get together soon. The following Wednesday, we scheduled to meet up at the park, but it was raining, so we went to Phoebe's house instead. When Malachi, Isaac, and I got to the Davis', we were greeted by Julian (9), Claira (6), Owen (3...and crazy), and Lydia (newborn). Four kids. Wow. Phoebe is a year younger than me, but she seemed to be an old pro. Phoebe is not only a full-time homemaker, but homeschools the children as well--something I plan to start doing next year. Kyle, Phoebe's husband, is a middle school teacher and was home on summer break at the time. Phoebe and Kyle both seemed to have their wits about them, as the kids ran around and played loudly, excited to have a new friend over. There were toys strewn about the floor, a few dishes in the sink, and Phoebe was proudly sporting her comfy exercise clothes that she wears everyday. The children were happy and the house was not the least bit dirty. Julian frequently interrupted as Phoebe and I talked. Phoebe reprimanded her consistently while indicating to me that her daughter was pushing her patience. Lydia needed to nurse frequently while Owen needed correction...again. Phoebe talked openly about how God has worked in her life over the past ten years since I last saw her and how He provides her with the grace she needs to do her job well.

Before I knew it, I was sitting at Phoebe's kitchen table crying. I felt simply awful that I had not survived one week as the homemaker as I had pictured. I just could not be okay with the fact that I needed Jonathan to help me fold laundry, and on a Saturday at that! Phoebe smiled knowingly and just told me that it was okay. She reminded me that my most important responsibility was to nurture the relationships in my home with Jesus' love and grace. "Relationship before routine," she said. If at the end of the day, my husband and children were cared for and loved well and Jesus was served first, my day was a success. I also want to add that Jonathan agrees wholeheartedly with these ideas.

Phoebe and I decided to start reading and discussing a book, Feminine Appeal, together. The book discusses the commands found in Titus 2. Phoebe had read the book before and felt that it was very helpful. Phoebe and I talked for another couple of hours before the boys and I had to leave. Malachi, Isaac, and I have been at the Davis' home every week since. Jonathan has joined us a couple times for family game nights as well.

I wanted so badly to learn the ropes of my new role. I thought I could figure it all out on my own. I thought I had no choice. I was wrong. Biblically, we are not supposed to figure it out on our own. God saw my need before I was even fully aware of it and he placed the Davis' in our life at just the right time. Much of what I have learned over the past few months has been from Phoebe and our study time together. I believe that the scripture I used to open this post applies to the relationship that Phoebe initiated with me. Though Phoebe is younger than me, her experience in life as well as her relationship with Jesus has given her wisdom that she is commanded to share with younger (or less experienced) women.

And so I dedicate this series of posts to Phoebe Davis, my sister-at-heart.    

Taste and See Conference: My Experience

I was so excited to go to this conference, as if you couldn't tell from my many Facebook posts! I was also honored to be invited by the Designed Healthy Living team to attend the Friday Foodies pre-conference sessions. I would love to share every detail of what I learned during the weekend, but that would take too long and I still wouldn't do it justice. So my goal is to hit some main points and share links to give you more opportunities to further research on your own.

1. A pressure cooker is amazing and every family needs one!

The first session that I chose was about how to use a pressure cooker. Let me just tell you, I have had zero experience ever with one of those things, and I am now confident that I could bring one into my home and pressure cook with the best of them. How cool is it that you can throw meat and potatoes in one pot and veggies in another pot, and dinner is completely done and plated within 20-30 minutes, prep time included?! Sold. 

2. Fermenting foods and beverages is totally doable.

I first came across information about making keifer and fermenting foods and beverages after I received the blood test results about my terrible liver. All searches led to fermentation. If you don't know what keifer is and if the idea of fermenting things creeps you out, rest easy. It is way simpler and yummier than I imagined. Seriously. It is as easy as buying a package of culture starter, pouring it into the to-be-fermented product, letting it sit on your counter for a few days to a couple weeks depending on the product, and voila! Healthy little bacteria anxiously waiting to take over your gut and boost your immune system. A quick online search about fermented drinks or foods, culture starter, or the benefits of probiotics will turn up numerous results for your researching pleasure. You can also click here to read about some benefits of fermenting, as written by Sue Becker of The Bread Beckers. Sue led several sessions during the conference and much of what I learned came from this awesome woman. 

3. Gluten is not the enemy.

Let me try to sum this up as simply as possible. Our bodies need some gluten. But that gluten has to be balanced with the right amount of fiber. The bread or flour that we buy from the store is way out of balance, then we eat way too much of it. This means that our bodies are getting way too much gluten and nowhere near the right amounts of the other good stuff (fiber, protein, vitamins, nutrients). This can lead to all sorts of problems that I can't even begin to list. What's the solution? Should we then follow the Atkins diet or go Paleo (which are essentially the same thing)? These questions were the focus of the majority of the conference, which leads me to my next point.



4. Bread is our friend, but only when we eat the whole grain (and I'm not referring to the label "whole grain" as can be found on any pasta or bread shelf anywhere). 

The answer, as taught throughout the conference, is to mill our own grain. That's right. MILL. YOUR. OWN. GRAIN. Crazy, right?! But after hearing testimony after testimony, and benefit after benefit, I'm thinking they may be onto something. Not only that, but any of the grain that was milled then baked into bread at the conference was incredible. Check out the articles on The Bread Beckers website for a wealth of knowledge on the subject. I will say, however, that anytime someone tries to sell me something as a cure all, I'm a bit skeptical. But from what I gathered, tasted, and tried, I'm pretty much sold. Top of Momma's Christmas list: Grain Mill.

5. Annette Reeder and the Designed Healthy Living team have a passion for sharing what they've learned to help others become healthy and worship the Lord with their lives. 

I think I could sit for hours just listening to and picking the brains of Annette and the rest of the conference team. Not only do these ladies have legitimate backgrounds in what they are teaching, but they have the personal experience to back it up. I had such a great time at the conference from the sessions, to the yummy meals, to the worship music led by the talented Linda Graham. If you ever have the opportunity to go to a Taste and See Conference, I recommend it. 

If Momma Ain't Happy...

You've heard the saying, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy." I believe that this phrase is so true. But I think it goes beyond that. I think, at least for our family, it is deeper than that. Recently, I have noticed that, like happiness, sin is also contagious within a family. Biblically, we understand that the Husband/Dad is the spiritual leader of the home. Additionally, I believe that the Wife/Mother is responsible for the general mood or emotional tone of the household, thus the well-known phrase above. Proverbs 25:24 says that it would be more comfortable to live in a corner or on a roof than in a house with a quarrelsome wife. When Dad struggles spiritually (not loving and leading the way Christ loved the church), there will be spiritual struggles within the family. When Mom has a poor attitude, there will be a general poor attitude in the home. Does this mean that each family member is not responsible for his or her own spiritual walk or attitude? Absolutely not. But when the family leaders are not leading well, the entire family will struggle. The irony is that I often come to this realization after we have been continually seeing Malachi be disobedient in a particular area. His disobedience becomes a pattern and we can see the heart issue behind the sin. Then sure enough, we can reflect and see that we too have been living with the same sin.

In the Staley home, I started to really notice this pattern a few months back. Malachi was found to be getting angry so quickly and easily. Then, Jonathan and I figured out that we were struggling with controlling our anger. Jonathan, being the spiritual leader that he is, wrote scripture (James 1:19-20) on a dry erase board for our family to study and meditate on. We also prayed together and independently, asking Jesus to help us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. By the Spirit's work in our family, there has been a noticeable decrease of anger in the home.

More recently, the struggle has been with discontentment. I posted on Facebook about a general attitude of entitlement in our home. Again, we sought the Lord in the matter. We were reminded that every good and perfect thing comes from God and that He is faithful to provide for our needs. If we having nothing else in this life, but have Jesus, we are blessed. Though we have not conquered discontentment by any means, we can see that the Lord is doing work in us.

Over the past month leading up to the present, our most frequent problem with Malachi has been lack of motivation, laziness, and a poor attitude toward work. "Work harder, Malachi," we tell him. "Depend on Jesus to help you through," we lecture. "Work unto the Lord," we demand. After a recent argument between Jonathan and me, Jonathan had determined that, once again, he and I were struggling with the same sin as Malachi. We were working to get approval from the other, and when that didn't happen the claws came out. He went to God, then came to me in repentance, pointing out the sin and how he was going to do things differently. But not me. No, I was still mad at him, and I wanted to stay mad at him. I knew in my heart he was right, but I was choosing to ignore the conviction.

Yesterday, I told Jonathan I that I'm frustrated with the feeling of never completing work in the home as the laundry, dishes, and cleaning are never-ending tasks. Then I feel incompetent, bored, and unmotivated.This morning, I looked around my home and my first thought was, "I really don't want to deal with this today." What has changed for the super motivated Stay-At-Home-Mom that was in my home a few months ago? The workload hasn't changed. The requirements of the job haven't changed. My family needs and my environment haven't changed. My heart has given way to sin. And, as it turns out, I can see that this sin started creeping up in my heart awhile ago. I've been working to please Jonathan. I've been working to serve Malachi and Isaac. Though these things are okay, they will never satisfy. Jonathan will never give me the "Thanks" that I feel I deserve in the way I desire because Jonathan is not perfect. My children will never be as grateful as I would like because they too are imperfect and selfish. I really need to take to heart the Bible's teaching (and the recent encouragement of a dear friend) to work as to the Lord, not to man. So I went to the Lord in prayer. I meditated on the Word. This is not by my power or personal motivation, but the Spirit's work in me. And guess what! It is noon and the house is clean, Isaac is content, and I had time to write this blog post! I now have some time to rest and play with Isaac before picking Malachi up from school, after which time I plan to update our birthday and Christmas gift budget. Even better, if I do not get something done or done perfectly, I can have peace knowing that I served the Lord as well as I could and that He is my perfection. I will also seek forgiveness from God and from my family for putting them before the Lord and ask them to hold me accountable in the matter.

If you find your children or your spouse struggling with a sin, and you find yourself lecturing, nagging, getting angry, or disciplining against the sin, I would encourage you to reflect on your own heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you of any sin in your own life that may be trickling out of your heart and into your home.

A Little Boy's Heartbreak

There are fewer things more difficult in life than seeing your child experience heartbreak. My Malachi tends to have quite a tender heart. A couple of years ago I thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy. Malachi just fell in love with the little guy, but I quickly realized that my decision was a mistake. With just the two of us in the home leading very busy lives, we just did not have the time or attention that the puppy needed. I had to give him away. I had prepped Malachi for this. I explained why we needed to find him a new home and included him in the process of seeking a new owner. He knew it was coming. But at the moment of truth, when the new owner was walking out of the door with the dog, Malachi fell apart. He sat on my lap for a good hour afterward and just sobbed. In another instance, a neighbor and her daughter that we had grown very close to were planning to move. I told Malachi that they found a new home and would be leaving. For a moment, he just stood there staring at me with his big hazel eyes. Then, as if he had finally processed what I was saying, he just lost it. I usually find myself in tears anytime something like this happens. It is awful seeing him experience such pain. Everything in me wants to jump between him and the source of the pain so he does not have to see it. I want to absorb all of the ache so he does not have to feel it. But, as parents, we must do what is best for our children. Oftentimes, what is best for them is not to protect them from the heartbreak, but to walk through it with them. And usually, I'm surprised at his resiliency and ability to cope. I'm usually left with the conclusion that the whole experience was harder for me to watch than for him to come through.

Most recently, I've had to share some news with him that is different than his previous experiences. I think this has been the hardest to watch him go through. I've lost sleep thinking about it.

Malachi has a set of grandparents, Jan and Will, that he has always been especially close to. Oddly enough, these are not biological grandparents, but just a couple that has been very involved in my life for several years. Ever since I had Malachi and became a single mother, Jan and Will were there. They helped anytime I desperately needed a break and watched Malachi when I had a second job or classes to attend. They showed up at every important event in Malachi's life. Will played the father-figure roll to Malachi before he had a Daddy. Will and Malachi have always been especially close. This has been strange to see because Will is not particularly close or attached to anyone, with the exception of Malachi.

Malachi is his buddy. He calls him the "Little Guy" or "Bubby" and always "tickles his belly button" or "gets his chubby neck". These were phrases that Malachi came to expect and enjoy from his Grandpa Will. He knew that he could call Grandpa Will at work and invite him to his sporting events. He always showed up, even if it meant leaving work early and standing in the pouring rain, just to watch Malachi play.

Well unfortunately, Jan and Will recently decided to divorce. For the sake of this story and out of respect for their privacy, the details of their relationship are unimportant. When I heard that this was happening, Jonathan and I talked to Malachi about it for a long time and explained to him that Grandpa would be leaving soon. Not surprisingly, he cried. A couple of weeks ago, before he left, Will showed up at Malachi's soccer practice. Malachi was not expecting him. As he was playing on the field, he glanced over at me and saw someone tall standing next to me. We could see him squinting to try to see who it was and then I could see the realization come across his face. His eyes lit up. He ran over and hugged Will excitedly, then ran back to the field. Last Saturday, Will came to Malachi's soccer game. He stood behind the goal as Malachi played goalie and he coached him along. I knew he would be moving soon. I spoke to Will and asked him to let me know when and where he goes and to try to keep in touch. He told me he would, but I had a feeling that would not be the case. I found out this past Thursday morning that Will would be leaving town that evening. No one knew where he was going and he wanted to keep it that way. I called him at work and told him that Malachi had soccer practice that night. I asked, "Would you like to come, or would you rather talk to him on the phone and tell him goodbye?" He just said, "No, I think it would be best to just let it go." I got off the phone. Part of me expected this, but part of me couldn't believe it. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Malachi could have handled it. He does best when others are forthcoming with him. He would've had some closure. Honestly, I think it was mostly because Will did not want to have to feel the pain of leaving. Malachi really was the person that Will enjoyed most and I think he knew how much it would hurt to say goodbye. Once again, I had news to share with Malachi. "Grandpa Will left. He moved. We don't know where he is going and we will not see him again." He said, "I'm really going to miss him at my games. He really helped me when I was goalie. I wish I wouldn't have argued with him." I assured him that Grandpa Will loves him very much and probably doesn't even remember him arguing. A little while later, he crawled up next to me and started crying. Jonathan and I explained that divorce is awful and it is never God's plan. Divorce always hurts so many and the effects ripple on and on.

What sets this experience apart from the others, even the recent deaths that Malachi dealt with, is that someone he loves so much is choosing to leave him. Of course we know that the divorce is not about him, but that's not how it feels to him. We told Malachi that seeing the effects of sin (pain, death, illness, etc.) causes us to hate sin and see why we desperately need a Savior. We explained that no person is perfect and that other people, even those we love the most, will always disappoint us if we look to them for our perfect joy. In Jesus, we can forgive and we can have the hope of a better eternity. Jesus will never disappoint us and will always love us perfectly. We reminded him that we can allow pain to push us away from Jesus if we don't trust Him, or we can allow it to help us to lean more on Jesus and get closer to Him. Jonathan and I also promised Malachi that we would never divorce; that we are sure because God joined us together and is able to keep us together, even when we mess up. We also showed Him how God was already preparing our family to be able to deal with this pain before we even knew that it was going to happen. God provided Malachi with a Daddy and a new set of grandparents that love him so much. Fortunately, Malachi spent a lot less time with Will after Jonathan and I got married because I just didn't need the help as much anymore. We reminded Malachi of the other grandparents and people in his life that love him. No one will ever replace Grandpa Will in Malachi's heart. But by the grace of Jesus, Malachi will move on and heal. As his Momma, I pray he heals quickly...

Full Body Health Evaluation--Surprising Results!

After my most recent post, I decided to continue sharing what I am learning about my personal health concerns and new information learned about health management. I am especially excited to share my experiences at the upcoming Designed Healthy Living Taste and See Conference one week from today! Keep checking back for updates throughout the pre-conference, Fabulous Foodie Friday, as well as the main conference Friday evening and all day Saturday.

With all that said, let me start by sharing about yesterday's appointment with a new chiropractor, Dr. Aletha Eller of Innovative Health Partners. First of all, I just really enjoyed this woman! She has one of those personalities that make you want to be around her. You know the kind I'm talking about; the kind of person that when you meet them, you feel like you're old friends. She started out by asking why I was there. I told her about my recent blood tests and my concerns about my health. I told her of my struggle to lose weight. She also asked about my family relationships; marriage, children, siblings, parents, etc. She asked about my upbringing, my faith, and my work. It was sort of a mini intake session for counseling. She explained the difference between what she does, what other chiropractors do, and what medical doctors do. Basically, she studies and practices Chinese medicine. She looks at the whole person and how everything is connected. She works to keep a person healthy in order to prevent them from needing medical care. She did mention that medical doctors are awesome at what they do, but ideally it would be nice to manage our health before we become "diseased" and in need of medicine.

We discussed my medical tests a little more. My blood pressure has always been excellent. My blood sugar is great. My cholesterol is normal, albeit on the high end of normal. Most areas tested fell within normal ranges. However, a couple of areas indicated poor liver health and inflammation (an indicator of infection) somewhere in my body. She said that she frequently sees patients with high liver enzymes. She said that it is so common that most doctors will brush it off until it gets too high. At that point, they will prescribe medication to manage the levels. But again, we want to prevent that from happening. Interestingly, she asked more about strained relationships within my family. She asked if I have unresolved anger. I told her that I don't believe I do. I explained that though I do not communicate with some people, I don't feel angry towards them. I believe that anger, bitterness, and resentment are more harmful to the one feeling those things and that Jesus calls us to forgive, as He has forgiven. I don't believe that means we have to reconcile necessarily, because sometimes that is just not possible. But I don't harbor resentment. She explained that unresolved emotions can target different organs. Oftentimes, anger targets the liver. She also stated, however, that poor liver health can just be the result of toxic living. I believe this is the case for me. She pointed out that my tests happened just one month postpartum and that could have had a negative impact on those specific areas as well. We'll test again to find out if there have been improvements. 

Dr. Eller went on to do a full body examination. She explained to me how our bodies can tell us so much more about ourselves than we realize. She tested the strength or health of different parts of my body by having me resist her pushing my arm down while she used her other hand to focus on an area of my body. If she targeted a specific area and I was able to resist her, that area of my body was well. She did find good health throughout my body. She specifically pointed out that my hormones are good and strong, which is so important for good health. This also makes natural family planning very easy. I am grateful for this! 

On the other hand, if she targeted a certain area and it was unwell, my arm completely collapsed at her push. She found sinus problems that I was aware of, but have learned to live with. She also found the liver problems that my tests indicated when my body displayed weakness during that part of the evaluation and when I told her how much it hurt for her to touch it. I did not even know where my liver was, but I think I should have known. Then she pressed a little lower and I just about screamed at her. This, she informed me, was my gallbladder. Based on the inflammation of my gallbladder, she said it is unlikely that my body is digesting any fats that I take in and I am on the verge of a serious gallbladder attack. This is the inflammation that my blood tests indicated. Additionally, guess what storing fats can lead to. That's right, an unhealthy liver. I told her that I felt very severe pain in that spot throughout both of my pregnancies. When I mentioned the pain to my OB, he told me several times that the baby was just pressing against my ribs. When I still felt the pain there after each pregnancy, I just assumed that my ribs were bruised. This was not the case! I have had a terrible gallbladder for at least the past seven years! This is the pain that made sitting at my desk at work, or sitting in the car completely unbearable. When I did further reading at home about gallbladder problems, I discovered that the pain that I felt throughout my pregnancies, pain that started just under my right ribs and radiated up my chest, over my shoulder, down my back and around my ribs, indicated that I was having gallbladder attacks. This is the kind of severity that causes women have their gallbladders removed. I had no idea. Furthermore, gallbladder concerns are common among women, especially pregnant women, and the elderly. Why, I wondered, did my OB never check this area? As common as these concerns are among pregnant woman, and after I indicated stabbing pain in that area, this should have been evaluated. Perhaps it wasn't evaluated because insurance only pays for fifteen minutes for each prenatal or general medical appointment...I'll leave that statement where it is before I get on a soapbox. Dr. Eller provided me with a supplement to take a few times daily to support my gallbladder until we review the entire evaluation next week. She indicated that I will probably be put on a gallbladder cleanse. I also read that extra Vitamin C and fiber can help the gallbladder. So for lunch today, I am eating a whole red pepper and drinking a Naked Juice with fiber added. A low fat, low cholesterol (good cholesterol is okay), high fiber diet is the way for me to eat. I am glad that through previously researching about my test results, we already started eating mostly vegetarian meals throughout our week (vegetarian is also cheaper!). The Community Helpings Co-op has proven to be a very helpful resource! We get cheap fruits and veggies, including some items that we normally wouldn't buy at the store. It's been fun to experiment with new foods and create new yummy dishes! Mainly, I want to avoid surgery and medication. I want to be healthy the natural way. This is the goal if at all possible.

Dr. Eller went on to complete the evaluation. She mentioned that I have been gifted with very strong genes from both parents. She said that we would discuss this more next week. I like discussing the good things! She also said that my stress level is very low and that I seem to be very well emotionally and spiritually right now. I told her that I am in a very good place in life right now, my stress level is the lowest it has probably ever been, and my enjoyment in life is probably the highest it has ever been. I believe that this is mainly due to God changing my heart during the summer of 2011 and showing me that my joy does not come from my life circumstances; that my hope is not based on the present. I want what God wants. I want to bring glory to Jesus. This is not my doing, but the Holy Spirit living in me. I also believe that God has provided a way for me to do the one thing I have ever really hoped to do: Stay home and take care of my husband and children. This has given me such fulfillment and enjoyment in life! 

Next Thursday, I will go in to see Dr. Eller again. At that time, we will discuss all of the "pieces of my puzzle" as she puts it. An action plan will be put into place to make me well. Then on Friday and Saturday, I hope to find some valuable tools and resources to help me stay healthy for God's glory. I can't wait!