"[Older women] are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be reviled."
Titus 2:3-5
I have been aching to write about this for months! In my short four and a half months as a full-time homemaker, I have already learned so much about my job, my family, my faith, and myself. So much in fact, that it only makes sense to write a series of posts. And honestly, I have no idea how many posts will make up this series as of yet. I just know I've learned a lot, and in talking with a few of you, I'm thinking that what I've learned may be helpful to someone else.
Let me start with some background...
I did not grow up with a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends did not have stay-at-home parents. I met a bunch of stay-at-home moms when I was working throughout college. Most of them had nannies and housekeepers. That is just not an option for us and I truly prefer it this way. I did like what I saw on Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie, but I'm not naive enough to think that I could actually pull that off. So I really had no idea how this new role was supposed to look in my life. When I became a teacher, I spent hours upon hours sitting in the back of a classroom just watching the teacher teach. Then I had the opportunity to teach under the observation and support of the teacher. The same thing happened when I earned my counseling degree. Unfortunately, the opportunity to do the same with my new position was just not available. I had to figure it out on my own. I had a picture in my head of how my home and my family was to look. And it was my job to make it happen. Jonathan and I discussed his expectations of having me in the home full time. His mom was a stay-at-home mom for several years, so he had a relatively realistic idea of what should be done. He wanted the boys well cared for first and foremost. He wanted our lives to be less chaotic than when I was working outside of the home. He also wanted the house cleaned throughout the week if possible. However, his definition of clean is very different from my definition. My expectations for the home were much higher than his.
I mostly rested for the first six weeks after Isaac was born. Jonathan and his mother picked up the slack and helped me get back to work slowly. As far as I was concerned, week seven was back-to-full-time-work week. In my mind, I had to make sure that the house was sparkling, the children were obedient and smiling, dinner was on the table at 5:30, and my husband was relaxed. I needed an apron. A cute one. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought one. Seriously.
I created a weekly calendar that had our meal plan and family plans, as well as my daily responsibilities listed. I had it set up so that the entire house was deep cleaned over the course of a week, all laundry was cleaned and put away by Friday, family Bible studies were scheduled (at my husband's direction), and daily exercise was planned. I worked hard to hit the ground running by 5:30 in the morning when Jonathan got up. I made his coffee and kissed him as he walked out the door. I took Malachi to school and went walking at the park with Isaac. I went home and started checking items off my list one by one....until Isaac started crying. Then I had to tend to him. Then he pooped all over himself and me. Wait, the diaper pail was full. I had to wash more diapers......Gah! Isaac spit up all over the floor. So I picked him up...and he spit up all over my new cute apron. It was time to go get Malachi from school. Malachi, why do you have homework? It's the first day of school. I don't have time to help you with homework. Time to get dinner on the table. Why is it already 5:30?! The door is unlocking....great. I'm pretty sure that I was less than welcoming to Jonathan when he walked in the door. And that was only Monday. I tried again each day after that only to have the same end result. I was failing.
I am a firm believer in the Father's provision at the exact moment of our need, whether or not we recognize the need. Enter Phoebe Davis.
I took Malachi swimming at the park the weekend after that disastrous first week. I checked into the Crystal City Pool on Facebook. Phoebe, a college friend, commented on my check-in that she and her family lived right down the road from the pool and mentioned that we should get together soon. The following Wednesday, we scheduled to meet up at the park, but it was raining, so we went to Phoebe's house instead. When Malachi, Isaac, and I got to the Davis', we were greeted by Julian (9), Claira (6), Owen (3...and crazy), and Lydia (newborn). Four kids. Wow. Phoebe is a year younger than me, but she seemed to be an old pro. Phoebe is not only a full-time homemaker, but homeschools the children as well--something I plan to start doing next year. Kyle, Phoebe's husband, is a middle school teacher and was home on summer break at the time. Phoebe and Kyle both seemed to have their wits about them, as the kids ran around and played loudly, excited to have a new friend over. There were toys strewn about the floor, a few dishes in the sink, and Phoebe was proudly sporting her comfy exercise clothes that she wears everyday. The children were happy and the house was not the least bit dirty. Julian frequently interrupted as Phoebe and I talked. Phoebe reprimanded her consistently while indicating to me that her daughter was pushing her patience. Lydia needed to nurse frequently while Owen needed correction...again. Phoebe talked openly about how God has worked in her life over the past ten years since I last saw her and how He provides her with the grace she needs to do her job well.
Before I knew it, I was sitting at Phoebe's kitchen table crying. I felt simply awful that I had not survived one week as the homemaker as I had pictured. I just could not be okay with the fact that I needed Jonathan to help me fold laundry, and on a Saturday at that! Phoebe smiled knowingly and just told me that it was okay. She reminded me that my most important responsibility was to nurture the relationships in my home with Jesus' love and grace. "Relationship before routine," she said. If at the end of the day, my husband and children were cared for and loved well and Jesus was served first, my day was a success. I also want to add that Jonathan agrees wholeheartedly with these ideas.
Phoebe and I decided to start reading and discussing a book, Feminine Appeal, together. The book discusses the commands found in Titus 2. Phoebe had read the book before and felt that it was very helpful. Phoebe and I talked for another couple of hours before the boys and I had to leave. Malachi, Isaac, and I have been at the Davis' home every week since. Jonathan has joined us a couple times for family game nights as well.
I wanted so badly to learn the ropes of my new role. I thought I could figure it all out on my own. I thought I had no choice. I was wrong. Biblically, we are not supposed to figure it out on our own. God saw my need before I was even fully aware of it and he placed the Davis' in our life at just the right time. Much of what I have learned over the past few months has been from Phoebe and our study time together. I believe that the scripture I used to open this post applies to the relationship that Phoebe initiated with me. Though Phoebe is younger than me, her experience in life as well as her relationship with Jesus has given her wisdom that she is commanded to share with younger (or less experienced) women.
And so I dedicate this series of posts to Phoebe Davis, my sister-at-heart.
I did not grow up with a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends did not have stay-at-home parents. I met a bunch of stay-at-home moms when I was working throughout college. Most of them had nannies and housekeepers. That is just not an option for us and I truly prefer it this way. I did like what I saw on Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie, but I'm not naive enough to think that I could actually pull that off. So I really had no idea how this new role was supposed to look in my life. When I became a teacher, I spent hours upon hours sitting in the back of a classroom just watching the teacher teach. Then I had the opportunity to teach under the observation and support of the teacher. The same thing happened when I earned my counseling degree. Unfortunately, the opportunity to do the same with my new position was just not available. I had to figure it out on my own. I had a picture in my head of how my home and my family was to look. And it was my job to make it happen. Jonathan and I discussed his expectations of having me in the home full time. His mom was a stay-at-home mom for several years, so he had a relatively realistic idea of what should be done. He wanted the boys well cared for first and foremost. He wanted our lives to be less chaotic than when I was working outside of the home. He also wanted the house cleaned throughout the week if possible. However, his definition of clean is very different from my definition. My expectations for the home were much higher than his.
I mostly rested for the first six weeks after Isaac was born. Jonathan and his mother picked up the slack and helped me get back to work slowly. As far as I was concerned, week seven was back-to-full-time-work week. In my mind, I had to make sure that the house was sparkling, the children were obedient and smiling, dinner was on the table at 5:30, and my husband was relaxed. I needed an apron. A cute one. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought one. Seriously.
I created a weekly calendar that had our meal plan and family plans, as well as my daily responsibilities listed. I had it set up so that the entire house was deep cleaned over the course of a week, all laundry was cleaned and put away by Friday, family Bible studies were scheduled (at my husband's direction), and daily exercise was planned. I worked hard to hit the ground running by 5:30 in the morning when Jonathan got up. I made his coffee and kissed him as he walked out the door. I took Malachi to school and went walking at the park with Isaac. I went home and started checking items off my list one by one....until Isaac started crying. Then I had to tend to him. Then he pooped all over himself and me. Wait, the diaper pail was full. I had to wash more diapers......Gah! Isaac spit up all over the floor. So I picked him up...and he spit up all over my new cute apron. It was time to go get Malachi from school. Malachi, why do you have homework? It's the first day of school. I don't have time to help you with homework. Time to get dinner on the table. Why is it already 5:30?! The door is unlocking....great. I'm pretty sure that I was less than welcoming to Jonathan when he walked in the door. And that was only Monday. I tried again each day after that only to have the same end result. I was failing.
I am a firm believer in the Father's provision at the exact moment of our need, whether or not we recognize the need. Enter Phoebe Davis.
I took Malachi swimming at the park the weekend after that disastrous first week. I checked into the Crystal City Pool on Facebook. Phoebe, a college friend, commented on my check-in that she and her family lived right down the road from the pool and mentioned that we should get together soon. The following Wednesday, we scheduled to meet up at the park, but it was raining, so we went to Phoebe's house instead. When Malachi, Isaac, and I got to the Davis', we were greeted by Julian (9), Claira (6), Owen (3...and crazy), and Lydia (newborn). Four kids. Wow. Phoebe is a year younger than me, but she seemed to be an old pro. Phoebe is not only a full-time homemaker, but homeschools the children as well--something I plan to start doing next year. Kyle, Phoebe's husband, is a middle school teacher and was home on summer break at the time. Phoebe and Kyle both seemed to have their wits about them, as the kids ran around and played loudly, excited to have a new friend over. There were toys strewn about the floor, a few dishes in the sink, and Phoebe was proudly sporting her comfy exercise clothes that she wears everyday. The children were happy and the house was not the least bit dirty. Julian frequently interrupted as Phoebe and I talked. Phoebe reprimanded her consistently while indicating to me that her daughter was pushing her patience. Lydia needed to nurse frequently while Owen needed correction...again. Phoebe talked openly about how God has worked in her life over the past ten years since I last saw her and how He provides her with the grace she needs to do her job well.Before I knew it, I was sitting at Phoebe's kitchen table crying. I felt simply awful that I had not survived one week as the homemaker as I had pictured. I just could not be okay with the fact that I needed Jonathan to help me fold laundry, and on a Saturday at that! Phoebe smiled knowingly and just told me that it was okay. She reminded me that my most important responsibility was to nurture the relationships in my home with Jesus' love and grace. "Relationship before routine," she said. If at the end of the day, my husband and children were cared for and loved well and Jesus was served first, my day was a success. I also want to add that Jonathan agrees wholeheartedly with these ideas.
Phoebe and I decided to start reading and discussing a book, Feminine Appeal, together. The book discusses the commands found in Titus 2. Phoebe had read the book before and felt that it was very helpful. Phoebe and I talked for another couple of hours before the boys and I had to leave. Malachi, Isaac, and I have been at the Davis' home every week since. Jonathan has joined us a couple times for family game nights as well.
I wanted so badly to learn the ropes of my new role. I thought I could figure it all out on my own. I thought I had no choice. I was wrong. Biblically, we are not supposed to figure it out on our own. God saw my need before I was even fully aware of it and he placed the Davis' in our life at just the right time. Much of what I have learned over the past few months has been from Phoebe and our study time together. I believe that the scripture I used to open this post applies to the relationship that Phoebe initiated with me. Though Phoebe is younger than me, her experience in life as well as her relationship with Jesus has given her wisdom that she is commanded to share with younger (or less experienced) women.
And so I dedicate this series of posts to Phoebe Davis, my sister-at-heart.
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