Learning While Correcting

I don't know about you, but I've noticed that God regularly uses my children to teach me lessons. Usually it happens that we are disciplining or correcting Malachi and God says something along the lines of, "Look familiar? You are the same. Just as your child does, so do you." This came today in the form of a mischievous seven-year-old boy and a broken ornament.

As a family, we got up early to head to the mall for annual photos. While there, we took some time to enjoy being out of the house together. We walked around, had smoothies, looked at books, and bought this year's Christmas ornaments for each of us. We carefully selected "just right" ornaments; one for Isaac's first Christmas, one for our last Christmas in our Missouri home together, and Malachi chose a soccer player ornament as that was his favorite sport to play this year. Malachi's and Isaac's ornaments were from the cute little kiosk in the mall with the nice girl that carefully pens names on each one. The ornaments aren't overly pricey, but they're definitely not cheap. 

By the time we got home, we were all beat. We hung up the ornaments and put away other goodies. Isaac went down for a nap, Malachi and I laid in my bed to rest, and Jonathan played some video games. After a half hour, Malachi was ready to get up. We gave him a little extra "technology time" today so that we could all relax. Awhile later, Isaac and I both got up and the family started coming together in the living room. When I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, I noticed Malachi's ornament sitting on the kitchen counter--broken. 

"Malachi, what happened to your ornament?" I asked. 
He responded, "Oh, it accidentally broke." 
"It accidentally broke? How did that happen?" 
"It fell and broke." 
"HOW did it fall and break?" 
"I might have bumped it and it might have fallen." 
"Malachi, were you playing with the ornament?" 
"I just kinda swung it on the branch and it fell." 
I paused for a few minutes. "That's really disappointing," I said. I went on, "We just bought it today, it cost a bit of money, and it's already broken."
"You can just superglue it."
"That's not the point! We bought this for you, you broke it, and didn't even tell us." 
"Sorry," he said. But he said it in that tone. You know the one; the one that says, "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I don't see the big deal, so I'm going to just shrug and apologize to try to appease you." 

At that, Malachi was sent to his bedroom by his dad and told that he needed to think about the situation and how to speak to his mother more respectfully. A few minutes later, Malachi came out ready to apologize for being disrespectful. Jonathan asked if he had thought about anything else that he needed to talk about. Malachi said he did not. Jonathan walked Malachi back into his room to have a talk. I listened from the other room as Jonathan pointed out to Malachi that he didn't seem to care about respecting his parents, his things, or gifts from us. 

After a few minutes I asked Jonathan if I could chime in. "Malachi, here's what I think happened. I'm thinking that you played with the ornament and broke it. Then you probably kind of freaked out a little. Maybe your heart skipped a beat and your stomach turned. Am I close?" 
Malachi responded, "You're right there, actually. I worried, 'What will Mom and Dad say about this?'" 
I went on, "And so you decided to downplay the situation. You tried to casually set it on the counter and not make a big deal of it thinking that if you brushed it off, maybe Mom and Dad would, too." 
"Yes," he said. 

I explained to him that though we are disappointed about the ornament, and would have been regardless, we would not have been near as upset with him had he just taken responsibility, accepted the seriousness of it, confessed it to us, and apologized. We would have seen that he understood the consequences of his actions and would not have done the same thing again. But instead he tried to behave as though what had happened was not a big deal and so disrespected us. Further, if he does not understand that what he did was a big deal, he is more likely to repeat the behavior.

I realized that I can do the same thing with my sin. I may downplay it, or worse, compare it to another's sin. I may shrug it off and behave as though it wasn't that big of a deal. I can forget about it, never confess it, and never repent of it. The problem with this is that sin is a big deal. A very big deal. Anything short of perfection is unacceptable to the Father. When we do not see how dark and awful our sin is to a Holy God, it belittles His goodness and grace and will put distance between us and our Father. We must be willing to see ourselves and our sin through His eyes to be able to understand why we so desperately need a Savior. Understanding the seriousness of our sin allows us to see how great His love and grace really are. He loves us, lived the life and paid the price that we could not, and lives today so that we can be free of our sin and display His glory.  

Practically speaking, when I'm still enough to hear God speak to me through these situations, I am able to approach my children with more patience, forgiveness, and understanding--just as the Father accepts me. You see, all relationships can teach us about the Gospel. Everything, in fact, is a Gospel matter. That is, after all, the whole purpose of this life.

My Husband is Not Enough

My husband is not enough for me. He is not loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, selfless enough, or thoughtful enough to keep me happy. Jonathan does NOT complete me.

Growing up in this society, a girl is brainwashed with certain expectations for a man. It all starts with that perfect Prince Charming she sees in the movies. She wants someone to ride in on the white horse, rescue her from the evil stepmother, save her from a life of pain, despair, and brokenness. She wants that Jerry Maguire who will complete her. This desire in her heart does not happen upon her by mistake or by society's doing. The fairy tales do not place that longing there, but do attempt to show her what would fulfill it. And so she searches for him. That perfect man. "The One."

When she does this, she may fall for someone who at first appears as if he might be just the right fit. She may even marry under the false impression that she has found The One. Then, inevitably, he will wrong her. He may forget their anniversary, stop telling her she's beautiful, or forget to show her affection. They may argue, he may try harder and impress her again. But, eventually, he will fail again. He always does. They may even both change, or grow apart if you will. She will become angry, bitter, resentful, unforgiving, and even begin to wonder if she made a mistake. "I thought he was the one. He used to pursue me. He used to give up everything for me. Maybe I married him too soon. Maybe I was too young. Maybe there's someone better. There has to be someone better."

Or maybe some will make the mistake I have found myself falling into. You see, I understood that no man would be perfect. I understood that my husband had flaws. But sometimes before I even realize what is happening, I find myself trying to improve him, tweak him, and even [gasp] change him. Recently, I found myself wanting Jonathan to be more of an initiator or planner. I wanted him to schedule a surprise date night or plan a family outing. And I did not want to tell him that I wanted these things. I wanted him to want to do it on his own. Sound familiar, ladies? But Jonathan has never been one to do those things. It is just not how his mind works, and I've always known that. I've always accepted that about him. So when I suddenly became angry at him for not being what I wanted, he was left confused and I was left unsatisfied. Needless to say, a minor marital battle ensued.

When that happens, as I'm sure it will again, I have to go back to The Perfect One. I have to remember the Truth. When I feel that desire, longing, aching, and even disappointment creeping up in my heart, it takes a work of the Spirit to remind me that I'm looking to the wrong man. I'm looking to an imperfect man to fully satisfy me. It won't happen. It's not possible for him to do that and it is not fair of me to expect that of him. 

Jesus is the only One that has given up everything for us, ladies. He's the only One that loves us with a perfect love, knew all of our deepest, darkest secrets, and forgave us while we rejected Him. When that feeling of emptiness begins to surface again, we must remember that God put that need in our hearts and only God can perfectly fulfill it. Only when we are fully satisfied in Him will we experience true joy and completion.

*This post written with the knowledge and approval of the amazing, wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, caring, loving (albeit imperfect) Jonathan Staley.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Living Frugally with Time and Money

Living frugally is something I have always struggled with. When I speak of living frugally, I am referring to living conservatively and simply in areas of time and money, but the ideas could be applied in other areas where good stewardship is required, such as health, work, and day-to-day choices. The opposite of frugal is wasteful, and I have been quite wasteful in many ways.

When I was in third grade, I remember having a report card sent home with the dreaded, red "U" representing "unsatisfactory" for the behavior labeled "uses time wisely." Needless to say, I found other things to do when I was supposed to be working. I was generally a good kid at school, but I remember my mother getting called in for a conference because I daydreamed too much. Funny enough, I see the same behavior in Malachi. I had to really work to stay focused and keep wise use of my time.

Time management remains a struggle for me today. The difference today is that I try to do too much. This started in late high school and college when I could be considered the typical "social butterfly." I can remember being so tired, but having a hard time leaving a social event because I did not want to miss out on something. After I had Malachi, I wanted adult interaction and companionship, so we went out with friends or to a family member's home almost every night of the week. Then when Malachi got a little older, church activities increased and sports were introduced. To say we were busy is an understatement. Overloading the schedule is not unlike making financial obligations that you cannot keep. It can be especially damaging for the relationships in the home. Between sports, church, community service, work, and social activities, keeping up with the Joneses was affecting us. Malachi would become cranky, demanding, anxious, and argumentative when our schedule was too full. When Jonathan and I started dating, he quickly took notice of my tendency to overload our schedule. We had to simplify. We had to prioritize. There is not a cookie-cutter explanation of how to do this for your family. Everyone's needs and priorities are different. To improve our time management, we set a limit of one sport per season, cut out AWANA Clubs because Malachi was already committed to so much scripture memorization at school, stopped eating out so much, and I learned to say no to social invitations. The same ideas can be applied to the daily to-do list. When I first started spending time with Phoebe, she reminded me that building and supporting the relationships in my home is top priority over the responsibilities of cleaning, running errands, and other activities.

As homemakers, we are given the tasks of managing our family's schedule and oftentimes the budget as well. Growing up, I was not taught proper money management. When I was given money, I was allowed to spend it. Sometimes my parents would shake their heads at me and say, "You just let money burn a hole in your pocket, don't you?" But they never took time to teach me otherwise. In young adulthood, I made huge financial mistakes in the name of selfishness, greediness, and materialism. When I became a single mother, I became less selfish with my money, but still could not grasp the techniques of really managing my money appropriately. In praying for a husband, I was very specific that I needed someone who could lead, provide, and manage resources well. As anyone that knows Jonathan can testify, God answered that prayer exactly as I had hoped.

Again, as with other areas of frugal living, prioritizing is key. I have had to learn the difference between needs and wants. I have noticed that when I buy new clothes for myself, I want more new clothes and accessories. When I shop less frequently, I notice that I don't feel the desire to shop as often. I have learned to appreciate second-hand clothes for my boys, as opposed to brand new. I learned to find joy in saving money by buying all of my new baby needs (crib, rocker, swing, etc.) on craigslist or in swap groups on Facebook. We have grown to appreciate a home without cable. The television is on less, books are read and games are played more. But our priorities may not be someone else's. I enjoy saving money through the use of cloth diapers, but will happily splurge on a pricey date night once in awhile. Others are content to use disposable diapers while saving money with free or cheap date nights. While priorities may look different for everyone, the absence of any priorities is what will cause trouble.

All throughout His word, God teaches us to manage our resources well--not to make much of us, but to make much of Him. With the Holy Spirit's help and by allowing Him to change our hearts, we can learn to honor him with our time, money, and other resources. We can learn to live simply, accept the life we are living, and learn the difference between needs and wants. When covetousness and discontentment begin to take hold in our hearts, we can seek the Lord's help, praise Him for the gifts He has given, and begin to see how blessed we truly are. Only when we are fully satisfied in the Lord will we find true joy and contentment.

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: Family Mealtime

Mealtimes are favorite times for the Staley's. We love to be in the kitchen together, discover new recipes to try, and share in our creations together. Sometimes meals are simple, other times they are complex. More often than not these days, meals are cheap, simply because we have to save money. For us, mealtime is a time to enjoy each other as a family, date as a couple, unwind after a busy day, and invest in a practical hobby.

I have learned that as the household manager, it is my responsibility to plan the meals, prepare most of them, make the budget go as far as possible, and make it all enjoyable for my family. The following are just a few ideas that I've learned that work for us. 

Saving Money on the Grocery Budget

Before we tightened the budget to save more aggressively, our meals could get a little pricey. Our grocery budget used to be around $600 a month. Then we compared. We figured out that in comparison with other families of the same size and probably about the same income, we were over-doing it a bit. Unless there is some special occasion now, we just don't find it necessary to indulge, and we make the cheap stuff pretty yummy, if I do say so myself. We have cut our budget down to $400 monthly, and that is to include household items and baby needs. Though I'm sure there are ways to do it better, this is where we are for now. 

1. Meal Plan

This is probably our biggest money saver! We always plan weekly, sometimes biweekly, occasionally monthly. In the picture, you will see an example of one of our rare three-week meal plans. This meal plan happened because we had a lot of food in our pantry that needed to get used up, we like making soups in the fall, and we just wanted to see if we could make it work. Monthly meal plans need to be more flexible than weekly meal plans. So throughout the month, we may need to move some of the meals around, but the options stay the same. In case you cannot see clearly, some ideas include biscuits and gravy, veggie pizza, chicken and veggies with tortillas, eggs and potatoes, nachos, fish and veggies with rice, grilled cheese and soup, beans and rice. Other meals we've done include biscuits and fruit, fruit and eggs, salad, roasted veggies, tortillas and black-eyed peas, and sausage with cabbage.

2. Make a List

When we shop, we bring a list and ONLY PURCHASE WHAT IS ON THE LIST. That is most difficult for me, but I have to remember that it is necessary to make budget. Our list includes all items needed for each meal, school snacks for Malachi, work snacks for Jonathan, bottled water, baby formula, and household items such as toilet paper, dish detergent, etc. 

We also plan out snacks to purchase. We do not buy a bunch of junk snacks to have them readily available in our pantry whenever we want. We buy enough snack food for Jonathan to have some at work, and Malachi to have two snacks a day (morning snack at school and afternoon snack at home). If I snack, it is usually only once or twice a day and it is most often a piece of fruit or handful of nuts that we already have at home.

3. Channel Your Inner Betty Crocker and Make Food from Scratch

One bag of flour, one bag of sugar, a can of shortening or box of butter, and some salt are the basic ingredients to make breads, biscuits, pie crusts, tortillas, and more. I grew up on canned biscuits, bagged tortillas, frozen pie crusts, and other prepared foods. These are so much more expensive and unhealthy than homemade. The downside of doing things this way is that the products will not always turn out perfect. Sometimes my biscuits are too dense or my tortillas are too tough, but they are not inedible. We never throw them out, but discuss ways to do better next time. 


Making things homemade is also fun for the kids. Malachi loves to bring his stool in the kitchen, measure and mix ingredients, and enjoy his finished product. He not only learns math, science, and social skills, but he also learns to appreciate the gift of food. 

When seeking out recipes, I usually just Google search what I'm looking for, choose a link with five stars, and read the reviews before preparing. If I like the recipe, I save it on Pinterest and write it in a recipe journal that we have at home. 

Some things, like pasta or delicate pastry, are just too difficult for me to make at home with the tools I currently have. I don't sweat it when I have to purchase prepared items, I just avoid it whenever reasonably possible.

4. Become a Part-Time Vegetarian

Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans as a Meal

Our family initially became part-time vegetarian for my health concerns. I determined that the worst things for my health, or really anyone's health, are too much meat and too many simple carbs. What does that leave? Fruits, vegetables, eggs, fish, nuts, and beans. When we made this change, we saw how expensive meat really is and how it was killing our budget to have it every single day, sometimes three times a day. For those that say, "But you need protein and iron," I completely agree! That's why we regularly eat fish, eggs, beans, and nuts! We now have four to five vegetarian meals for dinner every week on average. My health has improved, our children are being taught better eating habits, and we are saving money. Triple win!

We also buy all of our produce either through Community Helpings Co-Op, which happens to have several area pick-up locations, or Aldi Supermarket. Occasionally will we need one or two ingredients that cannot be found through these resources, so we'll go to Schnucks. I will add that we also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Trader Joe's, but only go there once every other month or so just for fun. 

5. Buy and Prepare in Bulk

Oh if we had a deep freeze or storage pantry, I would have a second home at Costco. I would also participate in a cow-share! But alas, our bulk-buying power is limited by our small living quarters. We can only do what we can do with the resources God has given us. When Shop 'n Save has their meat sale, and my freezer space allows, I stock up. 

We will also make soups and sauces in large amounts and freeze them for convenient, cheap meals later in the month. If you look on my meal plan listed above, you will see veggie soup written three times. That's because I made this amazing, hearty, vegetable bean soup in a giant pot and had enough for three meals. 

6. Change Your Definition of a Meal

Stuffed Mushrooms, Fruit, Veggies

Growing up, my dinner plate usually had a meat, a veggie, and a starch or grain. For example, a typical meal may have been pork chop, peas, and mashed potatoes. This can get expensive and unhealthy quick. Instead, we might have beans and rice for dinner and that's it. We make an effort to stop eating when we are satisfied, as overeating is a form of wastefulness, selfishness, and indulgence (gluttony) and can lead to health problems, so there is no need to load our plates up with more food than necessary. Also on my meal plan, you will see a couple days that just say "snack". That's because we love to cut up cheese, toast some bread or get out crackers, cut up fruit, get out some nuts and just munch.  Easy. Cheap. Fun. 

7. Buy Off Brand When You Can

You have to pick and choose what you're willing to sacrifice or spend with this one. I cannot get my husband to waiver from name brand Cheez-Its (I WILL learn to make some good ones homemade). But we have learned that off-brand baby formula is the same as name brand. Some of you may say, "Wait, you buy name brand crackers but not baby formula?! What's the deal with that??" Yeah.....have you seen the price of baby formula? It costs $30-$35 for the cheapest bulk package that I can buy, or I can spend $15 for more of the same stuff with the same amount of each nutrient. That's a savings of up to $80 a month! That's almost a quarter of my grocery budget. And the wee one is still growing and developing with the best of 'em. Additionally, if I could nurse successfully (and I did try), I would. Nursing creates a huge savings, not to mention the health benefits it provides, if that works for you. 

Making Meal-Time Enjoyable

Mealtime should be enjoyable. It should be a time to come together, pray together, talk about the day, and unwind together. As moms, we want to set mealtime up to be enjoyable for the whole family whenever possible.

1. No Negative Comments Allowed

A conflict with Malachi last night is what motivated me to move forward with writing this post in the first place. I worked in the kitchen for two hours making the aforementioned amazing soup. We sat down at the table and started eating. I looked at Malachi and asked excitedly, "Do you like it?" He responded, "Did you make it differently than last time?" and "I mean, it's okay, sort of." Ugh! I lost it. I scolded him all the way to my mom study, walked into Phoebe's house, and just started crying. I know it seems a little bit over the top emotionally, but that conversation is literally a nightly issue. i could take it no longer. Phoebe and I sat down at her table and I hashed out the entire conversation with her. She said, "Okay, this is obviously a problem for you, so what's your game plan? It seems that this will happen again unless you have a plan." She explained that it is completely unnecessary to seek feedback or approval from my children regarding the meal. How they feel about it really doesn't matter. Further, I have been blessed by Malachi's openness when it comes to food given to him. He never looks at a food and says, "No, I can't eat that," "That's gross," or any number of picky phrases. He has never been a picky eater in that sense. The negative usually only comes out if I ask. So, I need to stop asking. Simple enough. Next, Phoebe encouraged me to tell Malachi, and Isaac as he grows, that there will be no negative comments at the table regarding the food. Its not proper or acceptable. If there is a negative comment, the child will have to sit in silence for the rest of the meal. If he still won't comply, then his mealtime ends and bedtime begins. 

Why is it that the simplest of ideas and techniques seem to evade my mind completely? Phoebe reminded me that we all lose it and allow our emotions to trample over our logic. That's why a game plan is necessary. 

 2. Avoid Phones, Video Games, or Television at the Table Whenever Possible

This should not need an explanation. Mealtime is family time. I am speaking specifically of mealtime at home. There are some Friday nights that we might enjoy our "snack" dinner in front of a movie. There are times that we go out to a restaurant and allow Malachi to play on his game system while we visit with friends. This, like with all of my suggestions, has to be made to work for you. Just have some sort of structure and expectation with this. I know that wasn't as direct as my other suggestions, but in today's technology-driven world, it's not easy to outline in black and white.

3. Try to Keep the Mood Light

Moms, as we tend to be the mood-setters, I believe this responsibility mostly falls on us. Jonathan gets home right at dinnertime most nights. I know that he prefers me to be in a good mood when he walks in the door. This goes without saying. So, if I just fought with Malachi over homework, and now the biscuits are burned, I need to figure out a way to put that aside and make things light for when Jonathan walks in the door. Sounds kinda old-fashioned, I know, but that's how we do things. Take it or leave it as you will. 

The best thing that I can do is to control my emotions. I usually have some sort of quiet music playing, maybe a candle burning or essential oils diffusing, and I try not to let things get to me. Let me make myself clear, this is on an ideal day. I FAIL AT THIS ALL THE TIME. If I burned the biscuits, I try to remind myself that we have bread that I can toast. Ultimately, Jonathan doesn't really care. He would prefer that I be in a good mood than have perfectly cooked food any day. If Malachi is arguing with me or making me angry, I just have to end it. This is the hardest for me. It is not unusual for Jonathan to walk in the door to me scolding Malachi, but it needs to get under control. A game plan is in order. I'll work on that. 

Another obvious idea that I have forgotten is that mealtime is not the time to discuss major issues such as disagreements, family conflicts, or frustrating finances. Again, mealtime should be enjoyable. 

Start with Prayer 

This helps us to remember that we are to do everything we do to God's glory. This includes eating, drinking, and talking (see the Christianese term: Fellowship). Let's remember that God designed food to be enjoyed so let's thank Him for that. Also remember that God and God alone provides for our needs. God wants us to enjoy mealtime so that we can further enjoy Him. 

My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you. 

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: The Desire to Learn

"[Older women] are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus 2:3-5

I have been aching to write about this for months! In my short four and a half months as a full-time homemaker, I have already learned so much about my job, my family, my faith, and myself. So much in fact, that it only makes sense to write a series of posts. And honestly, I have no idea how many posts will make up this series as of yet. I just know I've learned a lot, and in talking with a few of you, I'm thinking that what I've learned may be helpful to someone else.

Let me start with some background...

I did not grow up with a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends did not have stay-at-home parents. I met a bunch of stay-at-home moms when I was working throughout college. Most of them had nannies and housekeepers. That is just not an option for us and I truly prefer it this way. I did like what I saw on Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie, but I'm not naive enough to think that I could actually pull that off. So I really had no idea how this new role was supposed to look in my life. When I became a teacher, I spent hours upon hours sitting in the back of a classroom just watching the teacher teach. Then I had the opportunity to teach under the observation and support of the teacher. The same thing happened when I earned my counseling degree. Unfortunately, the opportunity to do the same with my new position was just not available. I had to figure it out on my own. I had a picture in my head of how my home and my family was to look. And it was my job to make it happen. Jonathan and I discussed his expectations of having me in the home full time. His mom was a stay-at-home mom for several years, so he had a relatively realistic idea of what should be done. He wanted the boys well cared for first and foremost. He wanted our lives to be less chaotic than when I was working outside of the home. He also wanted the house cleaned throughout the week if possible. However, his definition of clean is very different from my definition. My expectations for the home were much higher than his.

I mostly rested for the first six weeks after Isaac was born. Jonathan and his mother picked up the slack and helped me get back to work slowly. As far as I was concerned, week seven was back-to-full-time-work week. In my mind, I had to make sure that the house was sparkling, the children were obedient and smiling, dinner was on the table at 5:30, and my husband was relaxed. I needed an apron. A cute one. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought one. Seriously.

I created a weekly calendar that had our meal plan and family plans, as well as my daily responsibilities listed. I had it set up so that the entire house was deep cleaned over the course of a week, all laundry was cleaned and put away by Friday, family Bible studies were scheduled (at my husband's direction), and daily exercise was planned. I worked hard to hit the ground running by 5:30 in the morning when Jonathan got up. I made his coffee and kissed him as he walked out the door. I took Malachi to school and went walking at the park with Isaac. I went home and started checking items off my list one by one....until Isaac started crying. Then I had to tend to him. Then he pooped all over himself and me. Wait, the diaper pail was full. I had to wash more diapers......Gah! Isaac spit up all over the floor. So I picked him up...and he spit up all over my new cute apron. It was time to go get Malachi from school. Malachi, why do you have homework? It's the first day of school. I don't have time to help you with homework. Time to get dinner on the table. Why is it already 5:30?! The door is unlocking....great. I'm pretty sure that I was less than welcoming to Jonathan when he walked in the door. And that was only Monday. I tried again each day after that only to have the same end result. I was failing.

I am a firm believer in the Father's provision at the exact moment of our need, whether or not we recognize the need. Enter Phoebe Davis.

I took Malachi swimming at the park the weekend after that disastrous first week. I checked into the Crystal City Pool on Facebook. Phoebe, a college friend, commented on my check-in that she and her family lived right down the road from the pool and mentioned that we should get together soon. The following Wednesday, we scheduled to meet up at the park, but it was raining, so we went to Phoebe's house instead. When Malachi, Isaac, and I got to the Davis', we were greeted by Julian (9), Claira (6), Owen (3...and crazy), and Lydia (newborn). Four kids. Wow. Phoebe is a year younger than me, but she seemed to be an old pro. Phoebe is not only a full-time homemaker, but homeschools the children as well--something I plan to start doing next year. Kyle, Phoebe's husband, is a middle school teacher and was home on summer break at the time. Phoebe and Kyle both seemed to have their wits about them, as the kids ran around and played loudly, excited to have a new friend over. There were toys strewn about the floor, a few dishes in the sink, and Phoebe was proudly sporting her comfy exercise clothes that she wears everyday. The children were happy and the house was not the least bit dirty. Julian frequently interrupted as Phoebe and I talked. Phoebe reprimanded her consistently while indicating to me that her daughter was pushing her patience. Lydia needed to nurse frequently while Owen needed correction...again. Phoebe talked openly about how God has worked in her life over the past ten years since I last saw her and how He provides her with the grace she needs to do her job well.

Before I knew it, I was sitting at Phoebe's kitchen table crying. I felt simply awful that I had not survived one week as the homemaker as I had pictured. I just could not be okay with the fact that I needed Jonathan to help me fold laundry, and on a Saturday at that! Phoebe smiled knowingly and just told me that it was okay. She reminded me that my most important responsibility was to nurture the relationships in my home with Jesus' love and grace. "Relationship before routine," she said. If at the end of the day, my husband and children were cared for and loved well and Jesus was served first, my day was a success. I also want to add that Jonathan agrees wholeheartedly with these ideas.

Phoebe and I decided to start reading and discussing a book, Feminine Appeal, together. The book discusses the commands found in Titus 2. Phoebe had read the book before and felt that it was very helpful. Phoebe and I talked for another couple of hours before the boys and I had to leave. Malachi, Isaac, and I have been at the Davis' home every week since. Jonathan has joined us a couple times for family game nights as well.

I wanted so badly to learn the ropes of my new role. I thought I could figure it all out on my own. I thought I had no choice. I was wrong. Biblically, we are not supposed to figure it out on our own. God saw my need before I was even fully aware of it and he placed the Davis' in our life at just the right time. Much of what I have learned over the past few months has been from Phoebe and our study time together. I believe that the scripture I used to open this post applies to the relationship that Phoebe initiated with me. Though Phoebe is younger than me, her experience in life as well as her relationship with Jesus has given her wisdom that she is commanded to share with younger (or less experienced) women.

And so I dedicate this series of posts to Phoebe Davis, my sister-at-heart.