My Children are Second

In managing our home, we mothers spend the majority of our hours caring for our children. Our husbands wake early and head off to work most mornings, hopefully kissing us goodbye and returning in time for dinner. That leaves mom and children getting ready in the morning together, doing school together if homeschooling, afternoon homework together if not, running errands together when necessary, and sometimes even doing weekend activities and church without Dad. Needless to say, it frequently happens that the mother and little ones develop a deep bond with shared memories and experiences. This is natural and understandable. We should love our children and love them deeply. However, when the mother/child (or father/child) relationship begins to take priority over the husband/wife relationship, the damage is extensive.

This is a difficult topic to write about simply because I know that many people will disagree with me. "But the child came from me and is a part of me," many women will retort. I would respond by saying that when a man and woman marry, they become one. "I would never choose a man over my child," others may argue. But hear me out. I am not saying that you are to love your children any less. Single mothers, I am not telling you that any Joe-Schmoe off the street is suddenly supposed to become your #1. What I am saying is that when the husband/wife relationship is healthy and made the central relationship in the home, this creates the healthiest home environment for raising children.

When our relationships with our children are given priority, our marriages will inevitably suffer. Practically speaking, we raise our children to leave the home. So what happens when we've invested most of our time, energy, and emotions into our children, to the neglect of our marriage? We say goodbye to them when they are grown and then turn to face a stranger. Then our children go on to marry and most likely repeat the cycle. They don't know how to make their spouse a priority because they did not see it modeled. This can cause all sorts of conflicts between empty nest spouses, adult children and their parents, and (surprise, surprise) in-laws. 

Most of my readers already know this, but I am writing as a former single mother. I raised my eldest boy alone for his first five and a half years. We used to call ourselves a team. I regularly told him that he was my #1, my favorite person in the world. When he would pray for a daddy, I would explain to him that if God gave him a daddy, that man would also be my husband. At first, he was confused by this, but I tried to prepare him as much as possible. 

Then it finally happened that both of our prayers were answered. God gave us Jonathan. How on earth did I make my new marriage priority when for so long my child was my only love? I will tell you that it did not happen by my own strength or willpower. God showed me that my boy needed this. He needed to see how a healthy family was supposed to look. I will also add that I would not have allowed this to happen if Jonathan did not love the Lord with all of his heart. I would not have allowed a man to take the head position in my home if he did not love God first, his family second, and himself last. Knowing these things, I knew that Jonathan would make a good husband, father, and leader for my boy and me. 

Now, date nights are important and we are openly affectionate in front of our children, referring to each other as best friends. Interrupting mom/dad conversations is not acceptable and Heaven help the child that opens our bedroom door when it is closed. We try our best to back one another to the children, especially trying to avoid disagreeing about parenting decisions in front of them. Further, Jonathan and I make it clear that we do not keep secrets from one another, but that our boys can fully trust us both.

What about those of you that are in a relationship with a man that doesn't know Jesus, doesn't make you his priority, or doesn't love your children as you feel he should? First of all, I would encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the Word and what it has to say about your position as wife and mother. How can you expect him to change, if he sees you making your children a priority over him? Further, waiting on him to make the first move and make you priority is both unbiblical and useless. As I said in my last post, I am currently studying Titus 2, and I think that's a great place to start. Regardless of your husband's behavior, you are still given commands. You are still to be obedient to God's call in your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that in Christ, it is possible. 

Now I'm speaking to you, single parents. In considering a spouse, you will do well to only consider someone if you know they love the Lord. If they love Jesus and seek to honor and follow Him, then they will love you and your children the way they should. I did not always follow this rule myself but I wish I would've. It would have saved my child and me a lot of heartache. 

Finally, if you are in a relationship with a man that abuses or neglects you or your children, you must protect yourself and your little ones. Seek help from a pastor, counselor, or loved one. Again speaking from experience, no child should ever have to experience abuse and neither should you. 

Lessons Learned in Homemaking: The Desire to Learn

"[Older women] are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus 2:3-5

I have been aching to write about this for months! In my short four and a half months as a full-time homemaker, I have already learned so much about my job, my family, my faith, and myself. So much in fact, that it only makes sense to write a series of posts. And honestly, I have no idea how many posts will make up this series as of yet. I just know I've learned a lot, and in talking with a few of you, I'm thinking that what I've learned may be helpful to someone else.

Let me start with some background...

I did not grow up with a stay-at-home mom. Most of my friends did not have stay-at-home parents. I met a bunch of stay-at-home moms when I was working throughout college. Most of them had nannies and housekeepers. That is just not an option for us and I truly prefer it this way. I did like what I saw on Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie, but I'm not naive enough to think that I could actually pull that off. So I really had no idea how this new role was supposed to look in my life. When I became a teacher, I spent hours upon hours sitting in the back of a classroom just watching the teacher teach. Then I had the opportunity to teach under the observation and support of the teacher. The same thing happened when I earned my counseling degree. Unfortunately, the opportunity to do the same with my new position was just not available. I had to figure it out on my own. I had a picture in my head of how my home and my family was to look. And it was my job to make it happen. Jonathan and I discussed his expectations of having me in the home full time. His mom was a stay-at-home mom for several years, so he had a relatively realistic idea of what should be done. He wanted the boys well cared for first and foremost. He wanted our lives to be less chaotic than when I was working outside of the home. He also wanted the house cleaned throughout the week if possible. However, his definition of clean is very different from my definition. My expectations for the home were much higher than his.

I mostly rested for the first six weeks after Isaac was born. Jonathan and his mother picked up the slack and helped me get back to work slowly. As far as I was concerned, week seven was back-to-full-time-work week. In my mind, I had to make sure that the house was sparkling, the children were obedient and smiling, dinner was on the table at 5:30, and my husband was relaxed. I needed an apron. A cute one. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought one. Seriously.

I created a weekly calendar that had our meal plan and family plans, as well as my daily responsibilities listed. I had it set up so that the entire house was deep cleaned over the course of a week, all laundry was cleaned and put away by Friday, family Bible studies were scheduled (at my husband's direction), and daily exercise was planned. I worked hard to hit the ground running by 5:30 in the morning when Jonathan got up. I made his coffee and kissed him as he walked out the door. I took Malachi to school and went walking at the park with Isaac. I went home and started checking items off my list one by one....until Isaac started crying. Then I had to tend to him. Then he pooped all over himself and me. Wait, the diaper pail was full. I had to wash more diapers......Gah! Isaac spit up all over the floor. So I picked him up...and he spit up all over my new cute apron. It was time to go get Malachi from school. Malachi, why do you have homework? It's the first day of school. I don't have time to help you with homework. Time to get dinner on the table. Why is it already 5:30?! The door is unlocking....great. I'm pretty sure that I was less than welcoming to Jonathan when he walked in the door. And that was only Monday. I tried again each day after that only to have the same end result. I was failing.

I am a firm believer in the Father's provision at the exact moment of our need, whether or not we recognize the need. Enter Phoebe Davis.

I took Malachi swimming at the park the weekend after that disastrous first week. I checked into the Crystal City Pool on Facebook. Phoebe, a college friend, commented on my check-in that she and her family lived right down the road from the pool and mentioned that we should get together soon. The following Wednesday, we scheduled to meet up at the park, but it was raining, so we went to Phoebe's house instead. When Malachi, Isaac, and I got to the Davis', we were greeted by Julian (9), Claira (6), Owen (3...and crazy), and Lydia (newborn). Four kids. Wow. Phoebe is a year younger than me, but she seemed to be an old pro. Phoebe is not only a full-time homemaker, but homeschools the children as well--something I plan to start doing next year. Kyle, Phoebe's husband, is a middle school teacher and was home on summer break at the time. Phoebe and Kyle both seemed to have their wits about them, as the kids ran around and played loudly, excited to have a new friend over. There were toys strewn about the floor, a few dishes in the sink, and Phoebe was proudly sporting her comfy exercise clothes that she wears everyday. The children were happy and the house was not the least bit dirty. Julian frequently interrupted as Phoebe and I talked. Phoebe reprimanded her consistently while indicating to me that her daughter was pushing her patience. Lydia needed to nurse frequently while Owen needed correction...again. Phoebe talked openly about how God has worked in her life over the past ten years since I last saw her and how He provides her with the grace she needs to do her job well.

Before I knew it, I was sitting at Phoebe's kitchen table crying. I felt simply awful that I had not survived one week as the homemaker as I had pictured. I just could not be okay with the fact that I needed Jonathan to help me fold laundry, and on a Saturday at that! Phoebe smiled knowingly and just told me that it was okay. She reminded me that my most important responsibility was to nurture the relationships in my home with Jesus' love and grace. "Relationship before routine," she said. If at the end of the day, my husband and children were cared for and loved well and Jesus was served first, my day was a success. I also want to add that Jonathan agrees wholeheartedly with these ideas.

Phoebe and I decided to start reading and discussing a book, Feminine Appeal, together. The book discusses the commands found in Titus 2. Phoebe had read the book before and felt that it was very helpful. Phoebe and I talked for another couple of hours before the boys and I had to leave. Malachi, Isaac, and I have been at the Davis' home every week since. Jonathan has joined us a couple times for family game nights as well.

I wanted so badly to learn the ropes of my new role. I thought I could figure it all out on my own. I thought I had no choice. I was wrong. Biblically, we are not supposed to figure it out on our own. God saw my need before I was even fully aware of it and he placed the Davis' in our life at just the right time. Much of what I have learned over the past few months has been from Phoebe and our study time together. I believe that the scripture I used to open this post applies to the relationship that Phoebe initiated with me. Though Phoebe is younger than me, her experience in life as well as her relationship with Jesus has given her wisdom that she is commanded to share with younger (or less experienced) women.

And so I dedicate this series of posts to Phoebe Davis, my sister-at-heart.    

Taste and See Conference: My Experience

I was so excited to go to this conference, as if you couldn't tell from my many Facebook posts! I was also honored to be invited by the Designed Healthy Living team to attend the Friday Foodies pre-conference sessions. I would love to share every detail of what I learned during the weekend, but that would take too long and I still wouldn't do it justice. So my goal is to hit some main points and share links to give you more opportunities to further research on your own.

1. A pressure cooker is amazing and every family needs one!

The first session that I chose was about how to use a pressure cooker. Let me just tell you, I have had zero experience ever with one of those things, and I am now confident that I could bring one into my home and pressure cook with the best of them. How cool is it that you can throw meat and potatoes in one pot and veggies in another pot, and dinner is completely done and plated within 20-30 minutes, prep time included?! Sold. 

2. Fermenting foods and beverages is totally doable.

I first came across information about making keifer and fermenting foods and beverages after I received the blood test results about my terrible liver. All searches led to fermentation. If you don't know what keifer is and if the idea of fermenting things creeps you out, rest easy. It is way simpler and yummier than I imagined. Seriously. It is as easy as buying a package of culture starter, pouring it into the to-be-fermented product, letting it sit on your counter for a few days to a couple weeks depending on the product, and voila! Healthy little bacteria anxiously waiting to take over your gut and boost your immune system. A quick online search about fermented drinks or foods, culture starter, or the benefits of probiotics will turn up numerous results for your researching pleasure. You can also click here to read about some benefits of fermenting, as written by Sue Becker of The Bread Beckers. Sue led several sessions during the conference and much of what I learned came from this awesome woman. 

3. Gluten is not the enemy.

Let me try to sum this up as simply as possible. Our bodies need some gluten. But that gluten has to be balanced with the right amount of fiber. The bread or flour that we buy from the store is way out of balance, then we eat way too much of it. This means that our bodies are getting way too much gluten and nowhere near the right amounts of the other good stuff (fiber, protein, vitamins, nutrients). This can lead to all sorts of problems that I can't even begin to list. What's the solution? Should we then follow the Atkins diet or go Paleo (which are essentially the same thing)? These questions were the focus of the majority of the conference, which leads me to my next point.



4. Bread is our friend, but only when we eat the whole grain (and I'm not referring to the label "whole grain" as can be found on any pasta or bread shelf anywhere). 

The answer, as taught throughout the conference, is to mill our own grain. That's right. MILL. YOUR. OWN. GRAIN. Crazy, right?! But after hearing testimony after testimony, and benefit after benefit, I'm thinking they may be onto something. Not only that, but any of the grain that was milled then baked into bread at the conference was incredible. Check out the articles on The Bread Beckers website for a wealth of knowledge on the subject. I will say, however, that anytime someone tries to sell me something as a cure all, I'm a bit skeptical. But from what I gathered, tasted, and tried, I'm pretty much sold. Top of Momma's Christmas list: Grain Mill.

5. Annette Reeder and the Designed Healthy Living team have a passion for sharing what they've learned to help others become healthy and worship the Lord with their lives. 

I think I could sit for hours just listening to and picking the brains of Annette and the rest of the conference team. Not only do these ladies have legitimate backgrounds in what they are teaching, but they have the personal experience to back it up. I had such a great time at the conference from the sessions, to the yummy meals, to the worship music led by the talented Linda Graham. If you ever have the opportunity to go to a Taste and See Conference, I recommend it. 

If Momma Ain't Happy...

You've heard the saying, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy." I believe that this phrase is so true. But I think it goes beyond that. I think, at least for our family, it is deeper than that. Recently, I have noticed that, like happiness, sin is also contagious within a family. Biblically, we understand that the Husband/Dad is the spiritual leader of the home. Additionally, I believe that the Wife/Mother is responsible for the general mood or emotional tone of the household, thus the well-known phrase above. Proverbs 25:24 says that it would be more comfortable to live in a corner or on a roof than in a house with a quarrelsome wife. When Dad struggles spiritually (not loving and leading the way Christ loved the church), there will be spiritual struggles within the family. When Mom has a poor attitude, there will be a general poor attitude in the home. Does this mean that each family member is not responsible for his or her own spiritual walk or attitude? Absolutely not. But when the family leaders are not leading well, the entire family will struggle. The irony is that I often come to this realization after we have been continually seeing Malachi be disobedient in a particular area. His disobedience becomes a pattern and we can see the heart issue behind the sin. Then sure enough, we can reflect and see that we too have been living with the same sin.

In the Staley home, I started to really notice this pattern a few months back. Malachi was found to be getting angry so quickly and easily. Then, Jonathan and I figured out that we were struggling with controlling our anger. Jonathan, being the spiritual leader that he is, wrote scripture (James 1:19-20) on a dry erase board for our family to study and meditate on. We also prayed together and independently, asking Jesus to help us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. By the Spirit's work in our family, there has been a noticeable decrease of anger in the home.

More recently, the struggle has been with discontentment. I posted on Facebook about a general attitude of entitlement in our home. Again, we sought the Lord in the matter. We were reminded that every good and perfect thing comes from God and that He is faithful to provide for our needs. If we having nothing else in this life, but have Jesus, we are blessed. Though we have not conquered discontentment by any means, we can see that the Lord is doing work in us.

Over the past month leading up to the present, our most frequent problem with Malachi has been lack of motivation, laziness, and a poor attitude toward work. "Work harder, Malachi," we tell him. "Depend on Jesus to help you through," we lecture. "Work unto the Lord," we demand. After a recent argument between Jonathan and me, Jonathan had determined that, once again, he and I were struggling with the same sin as Malachi. We were working to get approval from the other, and when that didn't happen the claws came out. He went to God, then came to me in repentance, pointing out the sin and how he was going to do things differently. But not me. No, I was still mad at him, and I wanted to stay mad at him. I knew in my heart he was right, but I was choosing to ignore the conviction.

Yesterday, I told Jonathan I that I'm frustrated with the feeling of never completing work in the home as the laundry, dishes, and cleaning are never-ending tasks. Then I feel incompetent, bored, and unmotivated.This morning, I looked around my home and my first thought was, "I really don't want to deal with this today." What has changed for the super motivated Stay-At-Home-Mom that was in my home a few months ago? The workload hasn't changed. The requirements of the job haven't changed. My family needs and my environment haven't changed. My heart has given way to sin. And, as it turns out, I can see that this sin started creeping up in my heart awhile ago. I've been working to please Jonathan. I've been working to serve Malachi and Isaac. Though these things are okay, they will never satisfy. Jonathan will never give me the "Thanks" that I feel I deserve in the way I desire because Jonathan is not perfect. My children will never be as grateful as I would like because they too are imperfect and selfish. I really need to take to heart the Bible's teaching (and the recent encouragement of a dear friend) to work as to the Lord, not to man. So I went to the Lord in prayer. I meditated on the Word. This is not by my power or personal motivation, but the Spirit's work in me. And guess what! It is noon and the house is clean, Isaac is content, and I had time to write this blog post! I now have some time to rest and play with Isaac before picking Malachi up from school, after which time I plan to update our birthday and Christmas gift budget. Even better, if I do not get something done or done perfectly, I can have peace knowing that I served the Lord as well as I could and that He is my perfection. I will also seek forgiveness from God and from my family for putting them before the Lord and ask them to hold me accountable in the matter.

If you find your children or your spouse struggling with a sin, and you find yourself lecturing, nagging, getting angry, or disciplining against the sin, I would encourage you to reflect on your own heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you of any sin in your own life that may be trickling out of your heart and into your home.

A Little Boy's Heartbreak

There are fewer things more difficult in life than seeing your child experience heartbreak. My Malachi tends to have quite a tender heart. A couple of years ago I thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy. Malachi just fell in love with the little guy, but I quickly realized that my decision was a mistake. With just the two of us in the home leading very busy lives, we just did not have the time or attention that the puppy needed. I had to give him away. I had prepped Malachi for this. I explained why we needed to find him a new home and included him in the process of seeking a new owner. He knew it was coming. But at the moment of truth, when the new owner was walking out of the door with the dog, Malachi fell apart. He sat on my lap for a good hour afterward and just sobbed. In another instance, a neighbor and her daughter that we had grown very close to were planning to move. I told Malachi that they found a new home and would be leaving. For a moment, he just stood there staring at me with his big hazel eyes. Then, as if he had finally processed what I was saying, he just lost it. I usually find myself in tears anytime something like this happens. It is awful seeing him experience such pain. Everything in me wants to jump between him and the source of the pain so he does not have to see it. I want to absorb all of the ache so he does not have to feel it. But, as parents, we must do what is best for our children. Oftentimes, what is best for them is not to protect them from the heartbreak, but to walk through it with them. And usually, I'm surprised at his resiliency and ability to cope. I'm usually left with the conclusion that the whole experience was harder for me to watch than for him to come through.

Most recently, I've had to share some news with him that is different than his previous experiences. I think this has been the hardest to watch him go through. I've lost sleep thinking about it.

Malachi has a set of grandparents, Jan and Will, that he has always been especially close to. Oddly enough, these are not biological grandparents, but just a couple that has been very involved in my life for several years. Ever since I had Malachi and became a single mother, Jan and Will were there. They helped anytime I desperately needed a break and watched Malachi when I had a second job or classes to attend. They showed up at every important event in Malachi's life. Will played the father-figure roll to Malachi before he had a Daddy. Will and Malachi have always been especially close. This has been strange to see because Will is not particularly close or attached to anyone, with the exception of Malachi.

Malachi is his buddy. He calls him the "Little Guy" or "Bubby" and always "tickles his belly button" or "gets his chubby neck". These were phrases that Malachi came to expect and enjoy from his Grandpa Will. He knew that he could call Grandpa Will at work and invite him to his sporting events. He always showed up, even if it meant leaving work early and standing in the pouring rain, just to watch Malachi play.

Well unfortunately, Jan and Will recently decided to divorce. For the sake of this story and out of respect for their privacy, the details of their relationship are unimportant. When I heard that this was happening, Jonathan and I talked to Malachi about it for a long time and explained to him that Grandpa would be leaving soon. Not surprisingly, he cried. A couple of weeks ago, before he left, Will showed up at Malachi's soccer practice. Malachi was not expecting him. As he was playing on the field, he glanced over at me and saw someone tall standing next to me. We could see him squinting to try to see who it was and then I could see the realization come across his face. His eyes lit up. He ran over and hugged Will excitedly, then ran back to the field. Last Saturday, Will came to Malachi's soccer game. He stood behind the goal as Malachi played goalie and he coached him along. I knew he would be moving soon. I spoke to Will and asked him to let me know when and where he goes and to try to keep in touch. He told me he would, but I had a feeling that would not be the case. I found out this past Thursday morning that Will would be leaving town that evening. No one knew where he was going and he wanted to keep it that way. I called him at work and told him that Malachi had soccer practice that night. I asked, "Would you like to come, or would you rather talk to him on the phone and tell him goodbye?" He just said, "No, I think it would be best to just let it go." I got off the phone. Part of me expected this, but part of me couldn't believe it. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Malachi could have handled it. He does best when others are forthcoming with him. He would've had some closure. Honestly, I think it was mostly because Will did not want to have to feel the pain of leaving. Malachi really was the person that Will enjoyed most and I think he knew how much it would hurt to say goodbye. Once again, I had news to share with Malachi. "Grandpa Will left. He moved. We don't know where he is going and we will not see him again." He said, "I'm really going to miss him at my games. He really helped me when I was goalie. I wish I wouldn't have argued with him." I assured him that Grandpa Will loves him very much and probably doesn't even remember him arguing. A little while later, he crawled up next to me and started crying. Jonathan and I explained that divorce is awful and it is never God's plan. Divorce always hurts so many and the effects ripple on and on.

What sets this experience apart from the others, even the recent deaths that Malachi dealt with, is that someone he loves so much is choosing to leave him. Of course we know that the divorce is not about him, but that's not how it feels to him. We told Malachi that seeing the effects of sin (pain, death, illness, etc.) causes us to hate sin and see why we desperately need a Savior. We explained that no person is perfect and that other people, even those we love the most, will always disappoint us if we look to them for our perfect joy. In Jesus, we can forgive and we can have the hope of a better eternity. Jesus will never disappoint us and will always love us perfectly. We reminded him that we can allow pain to push us away from Jesus if we don't trust Him, or we can allow it to help us to lean more on Jesus and get closer to Him. Jonathan and I also promised Malachi that we would never divorce; that we are sure because God joined us together and is able to keep us together, even when we mess up. We also showed Him how God was already preparing our family to be able to deal with this pain before we even knew that it was going to happen. God provided Malachi with a Daddy and a new set of grandparents that love him so much. Fortunately, Malachi spent a lot less time with Will after Jonathan and I got married because I just didn't need the help as much anymore. We reminded Malachi of the other grandparents and people in his life that love him. No one will ever replace Grandpa Will in Malachi's heart. But by the grace of Jesus, Malachi will move on and heal. As his Momma, I pray he heals quickly...

Full Body Health Evaluation--Surprising Results!

After my most recent post, I decided to continue sharing what I am learning about my personal health concerns and new information learned about health management. I am especially excited to share my experiences at the upcoming Designed Healthy Living Taste and See Conference one week from today! Keep checking back for updates throughout the pre-conference, Fabulous Foodie Friday, as well as the main conference Friday evening and all day Saturday.

With all that said, let me start by sharing about yesterday's appointment with a new chiropractor, Dr. Aletha Eller of Innovative Health Partners. First of all, I just really enjoyed this woman! She has one of those personalities that make you want to be around her. You know the kind I'm talking about; the kind of person that when you meet them, you feel like you're old friends. She started out by asking why I was there. I told her about my recent blood tests and my concerns about my health. I told her of my struggle to lose weight. She also asked about my family relationships; marriage, children, siblings, parents, etc. She asked about my upbringing, my faith, and my work. It was sort of a mini intake session for counseling. She explained the difference between what she does, what other chiropractors do, and what medical doctors do. Basically, she studies and practices Chinese medicine. She looks at the whole person and how everything is connected. She works to keep a person healthy in order to prevent them from needing medical care. She did mention that medical doctors are awesome at what they do, but ideally it would be nice to manage our health before we become "diseased" and in need of medicine.

We discussed my medical tests a little more. My blood pressure has always been excellent. My blood sugar is great. My cholesterol is normal, albeit on the high end of normal. Most areas tested fell within normal ranges. However, a couple of areas indicated poor liver health and inflammation (an indicator of infection) somewhere in my body. She said that she frequently sees patients with high liver enzymes. She said that it is so common that most doctors will brush it off until it gets too high. At that point, they will prescribe medication to manage the levels. But again, we want to prevent that from happening. Interestingly, she asked more about strained relationships within my family. She asked if I have unresolved anger. I told her that I don't believe I do. I explained that though I do not communicate with some people, I don't feel angry towards them. I believe that anger, bitterness, and resentment are more harmful to the one feeling those things and that Jesus calls us to forgive, as He has forgiven. I don't believe that means we have to reconcile necessarily, because sometimes that is just not possible. But I don't harbor resentment. She explained that unresolved emotions can target different organs. Oftentimes, anger targets the liver. She also stated, however, that poor liver health can just be the result of toxic living. I believe this is the case for me. She pointed out that my tests happened just one month postpartum and that could have had a negative impact on those specific areas as well. We'll test again to find out if there have been improvements. 

Dr. Eller went on to do a full body examination. She explained to me how our bodies can tell us so much more about ourselves than we realize. She tested the strength or health of different parts of my body by having me resist her pushing my arm down while she used her other hand to focus on an area of my body. If she targeted a specific area and I was able to resist her, that area of my body was well. She did find good health throughout my body. She specifically pointed out that my hormones are good and strong, which is so important for good health. This also makes natural family planning very easy. I am grateful for this! 

On the other hand, if she targeted a certain area and it was unwell, my arm completely collapsed at her push. She found sinus problems that I was aware of, but have learned to live with. She also found the liver problems that my tests indicated when my body displayed weakness during that part of the evaluation and when I told her how much it hurt for her to touch it. I did not even know where my liver was, but I think I should have known. Then she pressed a little lower and I just about screamed at her. This, she informed me, was my gallbladder. Based on the inflammation of my gallbladder, she said it is unlikely that my body is digesting any fats that I take in and I am on the verge of a serious gallbladder attack. This is the inflammation that my blood tests indicated. Additionally, guess what storing fats can lead to. That's right, an unhealthy liver. I told her that I felt very severe pain in that spot throughout both of my pregnancies. When I mentioned the pain to my OB, he told me several times that the baby was just pressing against my ribs. When I still felt the pain there after each pregnancy, I just assumed that my ribs were bruised. This was not the case! I have had a terrible gallbladder for at least the past seven years! This is the pain that made sitting at my desk at work, or sitting in the car completely unbearable. When I did further reading at home about gallbladder problems, I discovered that the pain that I felt throughout my pregnancies, pain that started just under my right ribs and radiated up my chest, over my shoulder, down my back and around my ribs, indicated that I was having gallbladder attacks. This is the kind of severity that causes women have their gallbladders removed. I had no idea. Furthermore, gallbladder concerns are common among women, especially pregnant women, and the elderly. Why, I wondered, did my OB never check this area? As common as these concerns are among pregnant woman, and after I indicated stabbing pain in that area, this should have been evaluated. Perhaps it wasn't evaluated because insurance only pays for fifteen minutes for each prenatal or general medical appointment...I'll leave that statement where it is before I get on a soapbox. Dr. Eller provided me with a supplement to take a few times daily to support my gallbladder until we review the entire evaluation next week. She indicated that I will probably be put on a gallbladder cleanse. I also read that extra Vitamin C and fiber can help the gallbladder. So for lunch today, I am eating a whole red pepper and drinking a Naked Juice with fiber added. A low fat, low cholesterol (good cholesterol is okay), high fiber diet is the way for me to eat. I am glad that through previously researching about my test results, we already started eating mostly vegetarian meals throughout our week (vegetarian is also cheaper!). The Community Helpings Co-op has proven to be a very helpful resource! We get cheap fruits and veggies, including some items that we normally wouldn't buy at the store. It's been fun to experiment with new foods and create new yummy dishes! Mainly, I want to avoid surgery and medication. I want to be healthy the natural way. This is the goal if at all possible.

Dr. Eller went on to complete the evaluation. She mentioned that I have been gifted with very strong genes from both parents. She said that we would discuss this more next week. I like discussing the good things! She also said that my stress level is very low and that I seem to be very well emotionally and spiritually right now. I told her that I am in a very good place in life right now, my stress level is the lowest it has probably ever been, and my enjoyment in life is probably the highest it has ever been. I believe that this is mainly due to God changing my heart during the summer of 2011 and showing me that my joy does not come from my life circumstances; that my hope is not based on the present. I want what God wants. I want to bring glory to Jesus. This is not my doing, but the Holy Spirit living in me. I also believe that God has provided a way for me to do the one thing I have ever really hoped to do: Stay home and take care of my husband and children. This has given me such fulfillment and enjoyment in life! 

Next Thursday, I will go in to see Dr. Eller again. At that time, we will discuss all of the "pieces of my puzzle" as she puts it. An action plan will be put into place to make me well. Then on Friday and Saturday, I hope to find some valuable tools and resources to help me stay healthy for God's glory. I can't wait!    

From Grief to Obsession

At 30-years-old, I am lucky to have a lot of grandparents still living. But earlier this year, I lost one of them. My Grandma died after a long battle with cancer. But before she died, my son and I took many opportunities to spend days or weekends at her house. We made lots of great memories with her and Grandpa. When she died, I was heartbroken.

A couple months after my Grandma died, my family lost someone else. For simplicity purposes, we'll call her my sister-in-law (she's not really, but that explanation is for another time). It was devastating to see Anna, so young, get diagnosed with a terminal cancer, fight that cancer through painful and exhausting procedures, be given hope through a cancer-free diagnosis,  and have the cancer come back and take her life a short time later. I watched as her health and physique quickly deteriorated. I spent time with her weekly and was very aware of her declining mental state. I watched as my loved ones ached at her passing.

I think that the most crushing part of the whole ordeal for me (and for most), was watching her three children lose their Momma. I have to pause to choke back tears at just the memory of it. At her funeral, I saw her 9-year-old son lean into the casket and kiss her cheek. At that moment, I silently fell apart in my husband's arms. I couldn't stop thinking (maybe selfishly).....What if that was me? What if that was my boy? God, please don't let that happen to us.....I can't....I WON'T let that happen to us. The funeral passed and, as it does, life went on...

A few months later, I got a phone call from a college friend. Other than through Facebook, I don't hear from this friend often...unless he has news that needs to be shared among our circle. He called to let me know that an old friend had died suddenly, leaving behind his wife and two very small children. I wasn't close to this young man, but I had known him for several years through my old youth group, and then through several mutual friends. He was my husbands age (27, I think) when he died. His wife was his age and his children, as I said before, were very young (about 1 and 3 maybe). A couple days after his death, his wife learned that she was pregnant with their third child. At just the thought of the whole situation, I was shaken to my core. It wasn't surprising that I was soon waking up from nightmares uncontrollably sobbing, grateful to see my husband alive in the bed next to me.

It was shortly after these deaths that I had resolved to fix my health. My health has never been terrible, but given a pretty awful family history, poor habits learned during childhood, and a lifelong weight struggle, I knew the inevitable. I looked at Jonathan and said, "I'm 30-years-old. I had a step-mom die at 49 and my sister-in-law died at 41. If I do not get my health under control, I am sure to be diagnosed with something within the next 10-15 years. I'm convinced of it." To make matters worse, I recently received some not-so-great results from a blood test. Again, it wasn't terrible, but there were definitely areas in need of improvement. I began to spend hours online researching those areas to figure out the causes, the fixes, and the long-term expectations. On one hand, I learned a lot of valuable information that can definitely help. I scheduled a first-time appointment with a family physician and another appointment with a new chiropractor in hopes of sharing my test results and gaining more information. But on the other hand, I had developed an obsession. It was all I could think about or talk about. I was constantly considering and trying different avenues of health improvement. Jonathan became increasingly concerned with my new obsession and pointed it out to me. I hadn't even noticed. I had created an idol of my own health. I was seeking Google instead of God and it was affecting me. I had to stop. I had to repent.

I remembered that surrendering my concerns and my life to God is a daily choice. When we surrender to God, He wants every part of us, including our health and diet concerns. Jonathan pointed out that I could do everything in my power to improve health, and still die tomorrow. Understanding and being aware of my health is not a bad thing, but putting anything before God is idolatry. I am not in control of my life, and that is a good thing (or I'd probably already be dead). I need to seek God daily for guidance and trust in Jesus to be my perfection. I can enjoy the natural resources that I found on Google and through friends, but I must understand that every good and perfect thing comes from God. This is not to say that I can live foolishly indulging in the sin of gluttony and expect God to protect me from cancer or diabetes. I need to make wise choices, trust God to provide a way, and have complete faith in His plan for my life. In Christ, I can have victory over my daily struggles, and only in Him do I find perfect peace and hope.