Forgive me, friends, for so many angst-filled posts. I'll try to bring something lighthearted to the blog soon. In the meantime, this is where I am.
It's 4:39 in the morning. I've been awake since about 2:00, woken up by a little voice in the night. "Momma.....Momma!" I went into the boys' room to find Isaac sitting up on the end of his bed. He kept saying, "Hold you," though it sounds more like "ho-hu." I told him it was still night night time and asked him if he wanted some water. He nodded. I grabbed a cup of water, gave him a drink, tucked him back in, and kissed his forehead. Then I headed back to bed.
That's when I noticed a new text message on my phone. A message from one of my closest friends sharing some difficult news. That's all I can say about that right now. I spent the next couple of hours in prayer and drifting in and out of sleep.
I've been looking back at life over the past several months, maybe even the past couple of years. I don't know if it's adulthood, if the brokenness of the world really is just getting worse, or both. Sometimes, while I know for certain that God is sovereign and is still on His throne, it is so difficult to make sense of His plans.
Lately, I can't understand it when things in life seem to make sense and fit so perfectly until those plans are changed and life is no longer as simple. Sometimes, I can't wrap my mind around a young mother being taken too soon by cancer. Other times, I can't understand brothers and sisters across the globe being imprisoned and murdered by extremists. I have a hard time accepting news of another broken family. It is difficult for me to fathom the loss of a little one and how any good could ever come from that. It just doesn't make sense to me when someone longs to be a parent and the Lord doesn't provide the way that we feel He should. I can't begin to find the logic in the image of a two-year-old boy washed up on shore, the story of another hate-filled shooting, or news of another precious one that has not been valued as the image-bearer of the Creator that they are. My heart is breaking this morning.
So I pray. I journal. I blog. I worship. I try to find some rest. I am reminded of words that were shared at a recent church retreat:
I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out
without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints.
You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, "Let me remember my song in
the night;
let me meditate in my heart."
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
"Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all
time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his
compassion?"
Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the
Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of
old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might
among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your
people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.
When waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were
afraid;
indeed the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the
whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Psalm 77
When life just doesn't make sense, all I have to do is look back over my life, over the course of history, and through the pages of Scripture to see God's unending faithfulness. God will make all of this right. He will get the glory. He already won when Jesus died on the cross and conquered death. That is the hope I cling to. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)
Please, please come quickly, Lord Jesus.
When we were told that we had to move to New York, I guess you can say that we were less than thrilled. But we quickly decided that we were going to make the most of it and make it an adventure. We made a list of things that we knew we had to accomplish during our two year stay in the Northeast. I've decided to share the list with you. I think I'll update this post as we go, maybe add pictures and stories at each stop. If you have any ideas of things we must do, let me know! In no particular order, here's the list: