I Hated Myself

We have been listening to sermons by Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church on Sunday mornings while we get ready to head to our home church. Most recently, we've been going through his Recovering Redemption series. This past Sunday, we were listening to a sermon that spoke about the Christian's experience with guilt and shame. While I was searching Isaac's dresser for clothes, Chandler said something; something that just about knocked me over. I felt as if he was describing me--well the old me. The me I could've been forever, if not for redemption. First, I'll share what Pastor Matt said, then I'll tell you about me. 

"If you let your moral, legal code be the Bible, so you're good church folk, you believe the Ten Commandments, and you're going to believe what the Bible says, but your self-ideal has been built around heroes in the world, you have set yourself up for guilt and shame, regardless of where you turn. 

"When you show up at church, you're going to feel guilt because you're in violation of the law of God, but when you show up at work and the party scene, you're going to feel shame for being the goody-goody. So you've set yourself up to be rejected and be miserable at every turn. Guilt and shame will mark your life, because your morals are in Jerusalem and your self-ideals are in Hollywood or, for you businessmen, in Manhattan. When you do that, your life is going to be built on and around guilt and shame. 

"When you walk in guilt and shame, a by-product of that is oftentimes (yet not always) anger. So we feel guilt. We feel shame. We're falling short of our self-ideals. We're in violation of the laws and commands of God, so we feel guilt and shame. That brings about anger in our lives. 

"Now anger first works itself out up and against ourselves. There's a form of self-hate that begins to form in our hearts. Let me flesh out how this works. I'm not speaking now as someone who has read a book on this; I'm speaking now as one who has lived in this environment. I'm not speaking out of ignorance, but I am speaking out of experience. 

"When self-hate exists, you will first abuse yourself. Now how do you abuse yourself? Well, that range is all over the place. I mean, it's everything from cutting yourself, hurting yourself… But more than likely it's just a giving yourself over to shame. It's, "Since I am guilty, since I do feel dirty…" You give yourself over to the shame you feel. 

"At that moment, you're saying, "I have no honor in me; there's nothing good or lovely in me," so then you allow others to abuse you. You allow others to take advantage of you. You handle yourself cheaply as though there is nothing intrinsically valuable about you. You will stop taking care of yourself. It is self-hate. It has its roots in anger, and that anger is derived from guilt and shame." [1]

Chandler goes on to talk about how guilt and shame can also bring about abuse of others and lust. For the sake of my story, I'm going to focus on anger and self-hate.

Before I really dive into my experience, a little side note. At my second appointment with Dr. Eller, she spoke to me about those "strong genes" she previously mentioned I had inherited (see previous post: Health Evaluation). I was excited to talk about that, thinking it would be something positive. She used the practice of iridology, or the study of the irises, to observe my genetics. What she explained is that emotions can be inherited, and apparently, I have inherited very strong anger genes. Excellent. She asked if there is a lot of anger in my family and I confirmed her observations. She did say, however, that given my outlook on life, I seem to be breaking that cycle. I suppose that anger, just like diabetes or obesity, though one may be predisposed to it, one can also avoid it with the right tools and lifestyle. So let's suppose I am predisposed to anger. According to Chandler, if I am carrying guilt and shame, I am likely to support that predisposition.

Moving on. I believe that Jesus rescued me at a very young age. I can look back on my life and see the work of His hand--of that I am certain. However, because of any number of factors, I spent many years in guilt and shame. I could go back to my childhood and the experiences that I faced while growing up. In an effort to avoid blaming any particular person or dramatically playing the victim, let's just say that I did, in fact, have many experiences that did cause an immense amount of guilt and shame in my life. Later as an adult, I made choices that added to the guilt and shame that I carried on my shoulders daily. I have been sinned against, and I have sinned terribly. Because of that guilt and shame weighing on me, I did exactly as Pastor Matt explained above. I gave way to my guilt and I gave myself over to my shame. I allowed others to abuse me and I allowed others to take advantage of me. More times than I'd like to admit, I handled myself cheaply because I believed that there was nothing valuable in me. I felt unaccepted among church acquaintances because of the obvious sin in my life. I was looked at strangely by some family and others because I was deemed a "goody-goody"....something I never claimed. In fact, when I became pregnant with my first son, one family member bluntly and painfully stated, "Now we know how you really are." I continued being burdened by guilt and shame and continued making choices that supported those burdens, mostly because it was all I knew. It was comfortable, albeit painful. Because of the rejection I felt by so many, I desperately sought acceptance and love in all the wrong ways and places from people that would continue to abuse and take advantage of me...and the shame cycle continued. 

But that was not the end of the story. The Father never forsakes His children. During the summer of 2011, I was stopped in my tracks. I realized that I was everything I hated. I was becoming exactly what I swore I would never be. I tried, and failed miserably, to live a righteous life by my own power. Jesus brought me to the understanding that the only way I can be free of my sin and truly live a life of a victory was to seek first His Kingdom, His Righteousness, and His Glory. I do not have to be ashamed of the sin in my life because Jesus became shame on my behalf. I've been justified. Am I without sin? No. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. It means that I'm redeemed.

Even after this realization, however, I still doubted that I would ever find someone on this earth that would love me. I no longer feared being single, but trusted that God would shape my life in the way that would bring Him the most glory. Even if it meant a life of singleness, I wanted what God wanted. Then I met him--the man that would become my husband. I was certain that once Jonathan knew all the details of my past, he too would reject me. We sat on my couch talking late one evening, as we often did in those early days. I said to him, "There are things about me and my past that you need to know about, and they're not good." He leaned in close and sincerely responded, "Gina, I know you have a past. I know you want to tell me about it, and I will listen. But if you are truly repentant, then I have no choice but to see you as Jesus sees you--and that is blameless." Needless to say, I cried. I cried out of humility. I cried out of gratitude. 

In Chandler's sermon, he spoke of people having a hard time accepting love from others because of the shame they feel. Jonathan pointed out that he sees that in me sometimes. Sometimes, when I am not feeling very lovable, I have a hard time looking Jonathan in the eyes because I just can't understand how he can accept me and love me so willingly. Conversely, there have been times that Jonathan has wronged me and all he wanted to do was hide his face from me. It reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve in the garden attempting in vain to hide from their Maker. 

Friends, we do not have to hide anymore. We do not have to be ashamed or carry guilt. Jesus became shame. He became guilt. He became dishonor and sin and everything we hate. Then he rose up out of all of that so that we can live freely and victoriously. 



[1 ]Chandler, M. (Writer) (2013). The perfect storm [Web series episode]. In Chandler, M. (Executive Producer), Recovering Redemption. Flower Mound, Texas: The Village Church. Retrieved from http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/the-perfect-storm/