From the time that my oldest, Malachi, could understand or talk, I made a conscious effort to keep a very open line of communication between the two of us. I was a single mother at the time, and could potentially be one forever as far as I knew. I knew the statistics about fatherless boys. From the get-go, I was going to be available to my boy and the struggles or experiences he may face. I will say up front that I did not always succeed in parenting with so much grace and understanding--I messed up a lot actually and still do. But, only by the grace of God, our communication remains very open today.
I taught Malachi the technical term for body parts, and continue to do so as his maturity level requires new knowledge. When someone hurt him or wronged him, he was taught to emphatically say, "I don't like that!" as opposed to acting out. Lying has never been tolerated and would be followed up with strict discipline, should he not take the opportunity to correct it. I always told him that he may get in trouble for making a bad choice, but that he would most definitely get in double trouble for lying, and that included lying by omission. I tell my children the truth about holiday characters to further support a relationship of trust. With these truths, Malachi learned from very early on that some topics were not okay to discuss outside of the home. But we could openly discuss it in confidence behind closed doors. Looking back, I believe this helped to create a level of deep, safe communication within our family.
Fast forward to present day and Malachi is almost 7-years-old. With the changes of getting a new Dad and a new baby brother, many new topics and questions have come up. Not only with those changes, but also with just getting older and becoming more aware of himself, others, and the world around him, my husband and I regularly listen to Malachi tell us things that leave us speechless, but forced to say something. In one funny instance, during our engagement, Jonathan and I were discussing the possibility of having a baby shortly after we got married. Malachi spoke up, "Wouldn't it be funny if God gave you a baby and it came out white?!" Malachi has always known that he is brown, but now we had to explain why. I was nervous about the conversation, but I wish all discussions were as easy for us to deal with as this one seemed to be (for now).
Though our boy is still several years from puberty, we already find ourselves having to deal with certain behaviors, thoughts, and ideas. And this is where things get tough. Most of the things I am referring to are things that most of society would consider "normal" or "all boy."
But as his parents, we now find ourselves fighting against society's standards to protect our boy's heart and his innocence. Some of my friends on Facebook may find this a bit dramatic, but a simple glance at the lingerie section of mom's department store catalog or a certain burger joint's commercials can snag a boy into a pornography addiction for the rest of his life. I personally know of men that first viewed something that triggered this addiction in the most unassuming of places. And pornography addiction is not something to brush off. It can and will tear marriages, families, and individuals apart. Parents, we have to be prepared to deal with this at an early age. According to Focus on the Family, some research now shows that the average age that children first view pornographic material is 8-years-old [1]. These are babies! And they have no idea what to do with what they've seen or how it made them feel, so they go to peers....and the battle spreads.
The tool we have thus far found most beneficial in our battle is open, safe communication.
Malachi recently told us about something he tried to do (vague, I know). The action would be considered inappropriate, rude, shameful, and embarrassing. Jonathan's first reaction was to ask in a disapproving tone, "Why?! Why would you do that?!" Malachi honestly replied, "I don't know." Though I am all for correcting inappropriate behavior, this was a perfect instance where we were reminded that at that moment, we could either close communication about similar happenings in the future, or we could take the opportunity to give him a voice and someone to talk to. I quietly told Jonathan what I think caused the behavior. "He's just curious," I whispered, "We've got to be available to him when he has questions." So then we talked. We talked about how we all get curious, but if our curiosity is not dealt with appropriately, it will get us into trouble. We instructed him to come to us with the questions he has instead of trying to find the answers on his own. He said he would, and I am confident that he will try. Another communication crisis averted.
If you have not already, consider opening the "awkward" topics of communication. The earlier you start with age-appropriate discussions, the easier it will be later on. Try to remember when you were a child and the experiences you had. If your parents talked with you and it helped, imitate them and seek their counsel. If your parents were not as open, try to communicate the way you would have wanted as a child, and seek counsel from other experienced parents, pastors, counselors, or trusted authors. Listen to your babies and give them a safe place to bring the experiences, questions, and concerns they face. Mostly, I would suggest that you go to God in prayer. Ask Him to give you the words you need to say, protect your little ones when you cannot, and place the right "village" in your life to help support you in your battle for your babies' hearts.
[1] Jackson, R. (2004). When children view pornography. Retrieved from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/when_children_use_pornography.aspx
