From Grief to Obsession

At 30-years-old, I am lucky to have a lot of grandparents still living. But earlier this year, I lost one of them. My Grandma died after a long battle with cancer. But before she died, my son and I took many opportunities to spend days or weekends at her house. We made lots of great memories with her and Grandpa. When she died, I was heartbroken.

A couple months after my Grandma died, my family lost someone else. For simplicity purposes, we'll call her my sister-in-law (she's not really, but that explanation is for another time). It was devastating to see Anna, so young, get diagnosed with a terminal cancer, fight that cancer through painful and exhausting procedures, be given hope through a cancer-free diagnosis,  and have the cancer come back and take her life a short time later. I watched as her health and physique quickly deteriorated. I spent time with her weekly and was very aware of her declining mental state. I watched as my loved ones ached at her passing.

I think that the most crushing part of the whole ordeal for me (and for most), was watching her three children lose their Momma. I have to pause to choke back tears at just the memory of it. At her funeral, I saw her 9-year-old son lean into the casket and kiss her cheek. At that moment, I silently fell apart in my husband's arms. I couldn't stop thinking (maybe selfishly).....What if that was me? What if that was my boy? God, please don't let that happen to us.....I can't....I WON'T let that happen to us. The funeral passed and, as it does, life went on...

A few months later, I got a phone call from a college friend. Other than through Facebook, I don't hear from this friend often...unless he has news that needs to be shared among our circle. He called to let me know that an old friend had died suddenly, leaving behind his wife and two very small children. I wasn't close to this young man, but I had known him for several years through my old youth group, and then through several mutual friends. He was my husbands age (27, I think) when he died. His wife was his age and his children, as I said before, were very young (about 1 and 3 maybe). A couple days after his death, his wife learned that she was pregnant with their third child. At just the thought of the whole situation, I was shaken to my core. It wasn't surprising that I was soon waking up from nightmares uncontrollably sobbing, grateful to see my husband alive in the bed next to me.

It was shortly after these deaths that I had resolved to fix my health. My health has never been terrible, but given a pretty awful family history, poor habits learned during childhood, and a lifelong weight struggle, I knew the inevitable. I looked at Jonathan and said, "I'm 30-years-old. I had a step-mom die at 49 and my sister-in-law died at 41. If I do not get my health under control, I am sure to be diagnosed with something within the next 10-15 years. I'm convinced of it." To make matters worse, I recently received some not-so-great results from a blood test. Again, it wasn't terrible, but there were definitely areas in need of improvement. I began to spend hours online researching those areas to figure out the causes, the fixes, and the long-term expectations. On one hand, I learned a lot of valuable information that can definitely help. I scheduled a first-time appointment with a family physician and another appointment with a new chiropractor in hopes of sharing my test results and gaining more information. But on the other hand, I had developed an obsession. It was all I could think about or talk about. I was constantly considering and trying different avenues of health improvement. Jonathan became increasingly concerned with my new obsession and pointed it out to me. I hadn't even noticed. I had created an idol of my own health. I was seeking Google instead of God and it was affecting me. I had to stop. I had to repent.

I remembered that surrendering my concerns and my life to God is a daily choice. When we surrender to God, He wants every part of us, including our health and diet concerns. Jonathan pointed out that I could do everything in my power to improve health, and still die tomorrow. Understanding and being aware of my health is not a bad thing, but putting anything before God is idolatry. I am not in control of my life, and that is a good thing (or I'd probably already be dead). I need to seek God daily for guidance and trust in Jesus to be my perfection. I can enjoy the natural resources that I found on Google and through friends, but I must understand that every good and perfect thing comes from God. This is not to say that I can live foolishly indulging in the sin of gluttony and expect God to protect me from cancer or diabetes. I need to make wise choices, trust God to provide a way, and have complete faith in His plan for my life. In Christ, I can have victory over my daily struggles, and only in Him do I find perfect peace and hope.